Chapter Fifteen

Ella


In a chemically induced calm I entered my first class. Last night had been brutal, I tried to free myself of the built up anxiety with my scissors, but ended up giving in and taking my meds. I usually didn't like the way the medicine made me feel, but now I actually welcomed the numbing and zombie like state.

I had taken one pill last night, and then again this morning. My dad had seemed to be comforted by this, but as I walked into the classroom, one look at Jace told me that he was not pleased.

I took my seat beside him, and tried to ignore the burning sensation of his glare on my face. I lowered my head until my hair shielded me. I didn't even want to look at him, after I hung up on him last night he had tried to call me back numerous times. I knew I should have answered to at least let him know that I was okay, but I hadn't wanted to hear the disappointment in his voice again.

I had made my decision about everything with Brad, and when I told Jace, he didn't like it one bit. He had chided me for giving up, and really I just wanted to scream at him. He didn't know anything about it, who was he to tell me what I should do?

"So, you're just going to ignore me now?" He whispered angrily from beside me.

I flinched, keeping my eyes trained on the table, his voice was full of hostility.

"Fine." He growled.

I sat through Mr. Plant's lecture in a foggy haze, and tried to ignore the feeling of the fissure in my heart growing wider. When the class ended I stayed in my seat, and waited for everyone to leave before moving to get up. I was surprised that Jace hadn't stayed behind and tried to talk to me. I was also some what relieved because honestly, I didn't have it in me to talk about all of it here.

I walked down the hall with my head down, and almost screamed when a hand grabbed my arm, pulling me into the girl's bathroom. I slowly looked up at my attacker, and felt my heart drop at the sight of Jace leaning against the door, arms crossed and frowning.

"You want to tell me, why you couldn't answer my calls?" He asked.

I pulled my arms around my torso, and stared at the ground.

"No?" He snarled, causing me to flinch. "Well, you know what? Fuck this, and fuck you too." He spat.

I could feel my lip starting to quiver, so I bit it as hard as I could with out drawing blood.

"Do you have any idea, any fucking clue, how worried I was?" He sounded really upset, and I just wanted to curl up and die.

"I told you from the begining not to worry about me, that you can't fix me." My voice was shaky, as it echoed around us in the empty bathroom.

His jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened. "I don't need this." He shook his head, and let out a dark chuckle. "From now on just leave me alone, we'll act as if we never met, things will be how they should have been from the start."

I averted my gaze, and nodded as the last suture holding my heart together snapped. "Okay." I whispered.

***



The rest of the morning passed in a blur. I had tried to keep up and pay attention to my classes, but failed miserably. It was now lunch time, and I found myself walking toward the cafeteria, feeling a sickening sense of loss. My meds were wearing off, and I could feel the full effects of what happened between Jace and me.

I had to find him.

I walked into the cafeteria, searching hastily for the shock of unruly hair, and when I found him I noticed he wasn't alone.

Rachel.

I sucked in a deep breath and marched over to where he was seated. When I reached the table, Rachel stoppped talking and Jace just continued staring forward, avoiding my gaze.

"Um, can we talk?" I asked.

He wouldn't even look at me, and I could feel myself growing more and more nervous by the second. "Please?" I whispered.

Rachel looked at me instead, and smiled. "Maybe you should take a hint, and just go?"

"Jace." I tried again.

When he finally spoke, his voice was dull and indifferent. "Ella, I'm only going to say this nicely one more time- Leave me alone."

I didn't even respond, I just turned and ran. I ran from Jace, from Rachel, and the whole stupid school, but the one person I  really wanted to escape I couldn't.

Myself.

***



I spent the remainder of the lunch period in the girls bathroom. I sat with my knees under my chin, in the last stall. I couldn't handle this, I was so over all of it, and I really just wanted a way out.

I opened my backpack, digging past the scissors to the bottle of pills. Maybe if I took two, I would feel even less, because even just one had a bit of a numbing effect. I opened the bottle and shook out two of the small white pills.

***



It was last period, and I was completely comatose. Maybe taking two of my pills was not such a great idea. I had had to fight to stay awake in each of my classes, but at least I was feeling no pain. I was compleley anxiety free, and the emptiness in my chest was easy to ignore.

I plopped down in my usual desk next to Jace, and felt his eyes all over me, as he studied me.

What-fucking-ever.

He could go to hell, I wasn't going to give him the time of day. I really just wanted to put my head down, just for a minute- I would only rest for a minute. I let my eyes flutter shut, and felt as my whole world started to spin.

"You like that Ella?" Brad's voice taunted from above me.


I laid completely still, in fear of being hit again.


"I said, do you like that Ella?" He tightened his grip on my bicep and pushed himself into me violently.


I suppressed a whimper, and nodded as tears streamed down my cheeks.


When he finally finished he released me and laughed. "God, Ella you're such a good fuck."


My whole body shook as I sobbed, and I felt as strong arms lifted me up.

I fell back into reality, and realized that I was actually in Jace's arms, and he was carrying me out of the room. I wanted to yell at him, and tell him to put me down. I wanted to tell him that he was an asshole, but instead I just rested my cheek on his shoulder and breathed in his familiar smell.

***







Jace

I was still pretty fucking upset with her, but I couldn't just sit there and ignore the sounds of her whimpering. I had to get her out of there, not to mention I had a hunch that she had taken her meds. She had seemed very hazy this morning, even when we had our fucked up argument.

She looked up at me, with an equal mix of anger and gratitude, as I carried her out of the room. Mrs. Peterson had yelled something after me, in which I responded by telling her to fuck off.

"I'm getting you out of here angel." I whispered, as she nuzzled her face into my neck.

Her breathing was slow and lazy, and I was so preoccupied with getting her out of the school, that I almost missed what she said. "I'm in love with you." She slurred.

I stopped walking and looked down at her, she had her eyes closed, and a slight smile on her face. Did she just say that she was in love with me? I shook my head and snorted. "You must be stoned out of your mind."

Her eyes popped open, and she stared at me, and one hundred percent serious said. "I am."

"I know you are, what the fuck are you on?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

"No." She said shaking her head.

"What?" I was confused, she wasn't making sense.

"I mean, I am in love with you."

I put her down, on the ground carefully, making sure she could stand on her own before letting go of her. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked harshly, because seriously I couldn't handle this constant roller coaster we were on.

"I didn't realize- I didn't realize what, I just- I'm confused." She stumbled over her words, and pulled her arms around her waist as if she could fold into herself, and completely disappear.

"Don't." I growled.

She jumped at the sound of my voice, and breathed in sharply. "Sorry." She mumbled in a pained voice.

I watched as she fidgeted with her sleeves a bunch, and I just lost it. Maybe I'm the most fucked up bastard in the world, but I couldn't help myself. I pulled her hard against me, and brought her face up to mine, kissing her hungrily. My mouth crushed against hers, and my tongue moving of it's own accord. Every emotion we were feeling was flowing through this one fucking kiss- the want, the need, even the anger- and when I pulled away, we were both left panting.

I felt as she tried to pull me back to her.

"We need to talk." I said, my voice sounding a little too rough for my liking. I felt charged, and on the verge of making a big fucking mistake, so I took a step back from her, putting distance between us.

She looked down and nodded. "Okay."

***



We got to the apartment, and I realized that today, was probably the day that would decide everything. I was pretty fucking nervous, and to be quite honest, horny as hell. I wanted to be with Ella in every sense of the word.

She walked over to the couch and sat down, chewing on her lip, looking nervous and fucking cute as hell. How I could be thinking about how cute she was, when there was some pretty fucked up shit going on was beyond me. I was still a little wary too, because she really looked as if she were stoned.

I took a seat at the counter that separated the kitchen and living-room "What did you take to get like this Ella?" I asked her from across the room, wanting to keep as much distance between us as possible. I was afraid my horny bastard side would come out and I would do something fucking stupid.

"TwoValium." She muttered the words quickly, ducking her head and avoiding my stare.

I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face roughly. What the fuck was she thinking? "Are you trying to kill yourself?"

She looked up at me slowly, and the pain that I saw there was immense, as if she really were trying. "Jesus Christ, that's not fucking funny Ella."

"I'm not laughing." She shrugged and stared at the ground again.

I stood up, and marched over to her. She wouldn't look at me, so I just stood over her like a creepy fucker until she met my gaze. "Look, I- I think I'm in love with you." I started, feeling more than a little self conscious about the whole thing. "I don't know how it happened exactly, but I'm feeling shit I didn't even think I was capable of feeling."

She looked at me unblinkingly.

"So don't fuck around with me." I growled at her, trying and failing to keep the harshness out of my voice.

She didn't even wait a second after the words left my mouth. She threw herself full force at me, and for such a small and fragile looking person she was pretty fucking strong. I caught her, and held her to me as she trailed light kisses up my neck to my ear. I shivered, because that shit felt fucking amazing, and even though I didn't deserve any of it, I basked in the feeling.

She brushed her lips against my ear, and I could feel her warm breath tickling me, I was instantly hard. "I love you, and I want to show you." She whispered.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I wanted to take take take, but that was not an option. I was more than a little afraid of upsetting her. I didn't know how far I should go with her, and that was dangerous because I also didn't know if I could stop if we started this shit. My head was fucking spinning and I wanted to just pull her to me, and let her show me that she loved me, like she said.

I groaned, and took a step back.

"Hold on angel, we've still got a lot of shit to talk about." I said as lightly as possible.

She nodded in agreement and sat back down on the couch.

I took a seat on the other end, and stared at her pointedly.

I had an idea, a sort of deal that I was hoping she would agree to. I was going to tell her that I would be with her in any way she wanted, if she would start going to see a therapist again, because quite frankly this fucking suicidal behavior was scaring the shit out of me.

It may be an asshole move on my part, to use a relationship as collateral for her going to therapy, but I couldn't stand worrying every fucking night if she would be alive in the morning. I didn't want her to fuck me over, and leave me here alone, I couldn't handle a world with out her in it. I couldn't go back to how it was before.

I looked at her and smiled. "Let's make a deal..."

Chapter Fourteen

Ella


Everything.

Jace's answer was still ringing in my head as I sat beside him in silence. We were almost to my house, and I hadn't said a word to him since we got in the car,  well besides a brief instruction on how to get to my house.

I felt extremely nervous, but not in my usual way. No, this was completely different. I found myself wanting to climb over to Jace's side of the car as he drove. The close proximity of our bodies was driving me crazy, and I was hyper aware of even the slightest movements he made. I could honestly say I've never felt such a strong attraction to anyone in my life. There really was just something about him that pulled me in, and I was finding that the more time we spent together, the harder it was not to grow attached.

To grow feelings.

It was as if he were this giant magnet, and I was a tiny paperclip. The pull was intense, and quite frankly I was tired of fighting against it.

"What are you thinking about?" Jace's voice cut through my last thought, causing me to jump a little.

"Um, I was just thinking about- us." I said cautiously, I didn't want to say the wrong thing and have him push me away again. If he didn't want more than friendship from me, that was just fine. I would take whatever I could get.

"What about us?" He asked, as he pulled up in front of my house.

Shit.

I bit my lip and looked over at him from the corner of my eye. "I just was wondering what we are exactly." I prattled off quickly, reaching for the door handle to make a quick escape once this blew up in my face.

"Oh." He said as he gripped the steering wheel, and stared straight ahead.

"You don't have to say anything." I tried to laugh, but only succeeded in sounding like a dying cat.

Once I stopped making the horrid strangled sound, I gripped on to the door handle tightly, and pushed the door open with more force than necessary. I was such an idiot, I just ruined everything, yet again. He finally opened up to me today, and now I just pushed it too far. I was so pissed at myself.

"Well, goodnight Jace." I tried to keep my voice light, but it fell flat, I wasn't fooling anyone.

Stupid stupid stupid.

"Good night Ella." He said softly, still staring straight ahead, out the windshield.

***



"Bye dad!" I yelled over the roar of the truck.

As I turned to head into the school, I almost walked right into Jace. I inhaled sharply, taking in his scent, and studied his face. His eyes looked tired and haunted, much like my own. I kept staring, letting my gaze wander down his face and rest on his lips, and I found myself licking my own.

"Fuck." Jace swore as he looked away, scratching at the back of his neck and clenching his jaw.

"Good morning to you too." I laughed, feeling beyond happy that he seemed to still be speaking to me, even if it was in the form of expletives. I was so afraid that he was going to block me out, or lash out, like the last time I pushed him too much.

"What did your dad say last night, did he want to know exactly where you were?" Jace asked looking mildly worried.

I couldn't stop staring at him, and it took me a moment to realize that he had asked me a question.

"Hmm?" I asked, tugging on the bottom of my shirt nervously. I suddenly felt like I didn't fit in my skin, much less my clothes.

He rolled his eyes at me and waved his hand in front of my face. "Earth to Ella?!"

"What?- Uhm no.- I mean-he didn't ask specifics." I shrugged, thinking back to last night. My dad had been so happy that I seemed to have made a friend. He was glad that someone offered to be my partner for the fabricated school project, so glad that he didn't even bother to ask who I was 'working' with.

Thankfully.

I had felt bad for lying to him, but there was no way he would have been okay with me hanging out with Jace. He thought Jace was nothing but trouble.

"Good." He stated, looking a little less tense.

He stared down at me for what seemed like forever, and I found myself pulling my arms around my torso protectively. I felt so exposed, like I was standing there naked, with the way he was looking at me.

"Well, we should probably get to class." I stated, trying to break the weird tension.

"Sure Ella." He said quietly.

Then what he did next took me completely by surprise, he reached out and took my hand in his. I gasped and looked up at him wide-eyed.

He was definitely acting weird today.

"Is this okay?" He asked, holding our clasped hands up between us.

"Um, yeah- I mean- yes, yes its okay." I stumbled over my words like an idiot, causing him to smirk at me.

"Okay then." He nodded, still smirking.

***



Chemistry was ridiculous, the whole period I tried to ignore the fluttering in my chest and concentrate, but it was no use. Jace had taken up residence in my mind, completely consuming my thoughts.

The worst part was, I could literally feel an energy between us as we sat next to each other, and it was actually sort of painful to be so close to him, as if my soul would rip through my skin and bones to get to him. The pull was seriously that intense, I wanted to touch him, hug him, hold him, kiss him, and I knew I could do nothing of the sort.

Most of all I wanted him to want me, as much as I wanted him.

For the first time since Brad, I was actually feeling things, scary things that I shouldn't even be feeling yet. Maybe it was just some sort of emotional problem I had because of what I had been through, or maybe I was just insane.

What else would explain the fact that I was somehow falling in love with Jace Parker?

I looked over at him, with this new realization.

He was staring down at his notebook, which was void of any notes. I let my eyes travel over his profile.

"You're staring again." He pointed out, the corner of his mouth lifting.

I felt my face heat up, and let out a huff of air as I focused my attention on the board.

I watched from the corner of my eye as he shifted his whole body so that he was facing me. I had to force myself to stay in place.

"Do you find me attractive, Ella?" He whispered questioningly, causing me to blush even more.

"I-I-" I stopped and looked at him, why was he doing this now?

"Can we talk about this later?" I asked.

"Sure, whatever you want." He shrugged indifferently.

Seriously, what was up with him today?

"Are you drunk or something?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He rolled his eyes and turned away from me as Mr. Plant glared at us in warning.

God, I was such a dumbass!

"It's just, you're acting weird..." I trailed off, keeping my voice lower this time.

He clenched his jaw, obviously annoyed with my accusation.

The bell finally sounded releasing us from chemistry, Jace had yet to say anything since I asked about his state of sobriety. He got up and grabbed his stuff, looking a little- hurt? It seemed unfair for him to be upset with me. It's not like he had the best track record when it came to drinking, he had drank at school before.

"Hey." I said lamely.

He turned and stared at me, he even looked different today, more intense if that were even possible.

I suddenly felt very nervous, what if he regretted telling me everything? I don't know why, but I knew that would just kill me. I was so happy that he had trusted me enough to tell me about his past. I felt privileged that he finally wanted to let me in.

I also knew I wanted something way more than friendship, and I was pretty certain friendship was all I was getting from Jace. I was driving myself crazy, I was walking a thin line here. If I pushed too hard, he would surely pull away, and once he saw how quickly I was falling, he would run as fast as he could. I was pretty much screwed, because like it or not I had feelings for him.

"Hey." He said in return, his voice was rough and caused me to shiver.

He stared at me for a moment with a look that I couldn't decipher, as he pulled on the straps of his backpack,

"What?" I asked, feeling confused and slightly self-conscious.

"Nothing." He shook his head, as if to clear it.

"Um-" I started, not certain what to say.

"Look, I'll see you at lunch?" He asked, looking nervous for the first time since I met him.

I nodded once, feeling my heart flutter as if it had wings and could fly right out of my chest.

***



I walked to the cafeteria, with my head down and my hands in my pockets. I swerved around the crowds of people as I rushed to get to Jace. I hadn't seen him since first period, and the rest of my morning had sucked big time.

During second period Rachel Reynold's had kept kicking at my chair, and chomping on her gum like the disgusting cow she was. I tried to ignore her, and I was doing a pretty damn good job at it, until she started talking to the equally fake looking girl next to her about how "Some girls were just attention seekers."

I had rolled my eyes at her obviousness.

She had continued on nice and loud, saying that "Some girls liked to pretend to be sad to make guys feel bad for them." Her nasally voice had gotten right under my skin as she whined about "How unfair it was to the more deserving and 'normal' girls, when there were so few attractive men left at our school."

I had been extremely annoyed by the end of the class, and it hadn't helped when I ran into her again in the girl's bathroom. She had been with a pack of her stupid plastic friends, and they all started whispering when I walked in, and then they laughed as I turned right back around and walked out.

Needless to say I was in a pretty pissy mood, because honestly it's not like Rachel had any reason to dislike me, and contrary to what she believed, I hadn't won Jace's affections. We were just friends, and I hadn't purposely sought out for his attention. In fact, it had been the last thing I wanted, it was just recently that I actually craved his presence. She seemed almost jealous of my weird friendship with Jace, and that didn't make any sense, because I thought she was with Ryan Weber.

I darted around another group of people, and slid into the cafeteria.

***









Jace

I don't know why I had acted like such a fucking retard this morning. I was annoyed with myself for being so forward and pushy with her, but I couldn't fucking help it. It was obvious that she found me attractive, there was no need for me to ask. I had caught her staring at me numerous times, and to be perfectly honest it was because I found myself staring at her more than I'd like to admit. I mean, I was a guy. Obviously I knew when a girl was nice to look at, but it was much more than that with Ella. When ever I was near her, it was like every cell in my body buzzed in anticipation. I had never felt that sort of attraction before, and to be perfectly fucking honest it scared the shit out of me.

I looked up from the table I always sat at, and watched as she walked nervously- she always looked so damn timid- into the cafeteria. She spotted me and smiled shyly, and fuck me if she wasn't the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

FUCK.

I was completely losing it, turning into some sort of love-sick pussy.

Whoa, love-sick? Was I-

"Hey." Her small voice interrupted my very scary train of thought- my train wreck of a thought.

I nodded at her, and tried to smile. I was seriously scared shitless of what was happening here. I watched in a strange state of awe as she sat down next to me, she was so very close to me now. I could smell her cinnamon and spice scent. I stared at her profile, and that's when I noticed the strained look she was wearing. Her brow was furrowed, and her mouth was taught.

"What's wrong?" I asked, ready to fuck up who ever caused her to look like that, and praying to fucking god that it wasn't me.

She slumped in her seat and let out a gust of air. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." I pressed on.

"Just drop it okay?" She said weakly, her eyes begging.

"Hey." I placed my hand under her chin and turned her face toward me, fighting the urge to just kiss her. "No need for secrets." I said pointedly, because really- we knew more about each other than anyone else.

She was breathing quick and shallow, and I could feel as her warm breath brushed across my face. I watched as she started to bite on her lip, and I stopped her with my own mouth before she could. I brushed my lips lightly against hers, and then trailed slowly across her cheek to her ear.

"Tell me." I whispered causing her to shiver.

When I pulled away she looked at me in a way that made me want to just take her away from here, and keep her to myself. I couldn't help but feel protective of her.

"Just bitchy Rachel Reynolds." She sighed, looking sort of distracted, which was pretty fucking understandable. I was feeling the same exact way, being this close to her right now.

I shook my head out to clear it, what the fuck did that whore do now? "Did she say something to you?"

I watched as she tugged on her sleeves, and realized that this was a definite nervous habit of hers, along with the lip chewing. "She didn't say anything to me directly."

"Fuck her." I grunted, feeling more than a little pissy that Rachel was constantly bothering her.

She darted her eyes around, looking everywhere but at me when she spoke. "I don't want you to feel bad for me, or like you have to be nice to me." She blurted, confusing the shit out of me.

"What?" I growled, knowing this had to have something to do with what ever Rachel had said.

She just stared down at her hands in her lap and bounced her leg up and down.

"Look El, I'm kind of a fucking asshole if you haven't noticed." I started, hoping to at least make her smile, but she just kept her head low, with her hair acting as a curtain between us. I couldn't fucking stand her hiding from me like that, so I moved her hair over her shoulder and forced her to look at me before continuing. "I don't feel like I have to be nice to anyone, hell- half of the time I'm not even nice to you." I snorted.

She tried to look away, but I continued holding her face. "What I'm trying to say angel, is that I don't do anything I don't want to do, so whatever the fuck this is-" I paused gesturing between us. "It's what I want."

Her eyes widened and I could feel her pulse racing where my hand was still resting on her neck. Had I really just called her angel? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I was right to call her that though, she did look fucking heavenly.

"Jace- I-" She started to speak, and either from fear of what she would say, or just teenage hormones, I leaned in and kissed her, effectively stealing her words from her mouth.

When I pulled away from her, I noticed how quiet the cafeteria had grown. I looked around, and every fucking moron in that school was openly gaping at us. I shook my head and laughed at how fucking stupid these people were, what the fuck did they care if the two school rejects were kissing?

I looked at Ella, and noticed her cheeks were pink and she was smiling as if she had won a prize. I wondered then, what else I could do to make her smile.

***



When I got home I was in a ridiculously good mood. I went into my room and pulled up a playlist on my laptop. As I thought about Ella, the sounds of "A walk through Hell" by Say Anything filled my room. While listening to the vocals, I sat with what should have been a somewhat horrifying realization, that I quite possibly had fallen completely for this girl.

Instead of feeling freaked out, my heart felt kind of light.

I had to call her, I had to hear her voice.

I bounded down the hall, and picked up the cordless phone. Punching in Ella's number, I walked back to my bedroom. I realized that my heart was beating in anticipation.

"Hello?" Her voice answered, but it sounded different. Empty, almost like she were hollowed out.

"El?" I asked nervously, feeling my heart drop into my stomach.

I tried to recall everything that had happened after lunch, she had seemed fine, happy even. I suddenly wished I had payed more attention to her during english, but Mrs. Peterson had practically been up my fucking ass.

"Now's not a good time Jace." She whispered, sounding as if she were in pain.

"What's going on? " I asked, panicking.

"We'll talk tomorrow okay?"

"NO.- Fuck, talk to me." I pleaded

She was really quiet on the other end, and then I heard a tiny whimper.

"Angel?" I pleaded, not even feel like the fucking tool that I should for using my newly decided nick-name for her.

"I'm calling off the trial." She said through wracking sobs.

I sat in a stunned silence, studying chewed up skin around my fingernails. I didn't want to freak the fuck out and tell her that she couldn't let that asshole get away with what he did. She already sounded so upset, so I waited patiently for her to explain herself instead.

"I'm just going to hurt myself more in the long run, there's no evidence of what he did. He already denied it openly, and he has been telling everyone that I'm insane." She let out a long shaky breath before continuing. "Between my stay in the looney bin, and failed therapy, it's pretty obvious who was in the right state of mind. Who's word are they more likely to believe?"

I sat open mouthed, and fuming at her reasoning. The only reason she had had to go through therapy and all that fucking shit was because of that fucking douche. I snapped my mouth back shut and clenched the phone a bit tighter than necessary.

"Ella, the judge is going to see how much he has ruined your life. You had to go through all of that because of what happened to you." I felt myself getting really fucking angry. "You can't let him continue to ruin your life, you can't just lay down and give up."

"But isn't that what I did in the first place?" She asked quietly before hanging up.

***



I didn't sleep all night, I had tried calling Ella about eighty-three times, but she never answered. I was more than a little freaked out, and I just needed to know that she was okay. Every time I had shut my eyes, I pictured her cutting herself too deep and bleeding out all alone.

I felt my heart clench at the thought of never seeing her again, never hearing her soft voice, or smelling her spicy scent.

I walked out of my bedroom, and I must have looked pretty fucking shaken up, because Ian came around the kitchen counter to stand next to me.
"Nightmares?" He asked, looking really worried at the sight of me.

"Yeah." I lied, trying to shrug it off.

"Want me to drive you to school?"

"Nah man, I could use the walk." I said lowly, and I really fucking hoped that it would expel some of my nerves.

"Okay Jace." He nodded in understanding. "Call me if you need anything." He yelled after me as I walked out the door.

The whole walking thing would have been a great way to burn off the nervous energy, except now I was alone with my paranoid and panicky thoughts. By the time I got to the school I was a nervous fucking wreck.

***

I walked into chemistry and took my seat, trying to calm myself when I noticed the seat next to mine was still vacant. She could just be late I reasoned with myself. I watched impatiently, as numerous bodies with faces I could give two shits about walked into the room. I was growing more and more tense as the seconds ticked by murderously slow. The last bell sounded, and she was still nowhere in sight.

I was just about to get up and fucking bolt out of the room when she walked in.

Chapter Thirteen

Ella


Jace muttered something, but it was lost as the door to the apartment flew open. I had to blink hard, and fight the urge to rub at my eyes, because there in the doorway stood an older version of Jace.

"Ian." Jace regarded him icily.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ian asked, pointing at the empty beer can in Jace's hand.

"Having tea with the fucking queen- "

"Jace." Ian warned.

"What, your ears too sensitive for that shit now too? Norah's really done a number on you." He snarked in return.

I couldn't believe he was talking to his brother like that.

"You have company." The older boy seemed to just notice me, it was amazing how much they looked alike.

"Damn, I wasn't sure if she was just a figment of my imagination." Jace shook his head and laughed with out humor. "Well, now that that's all cleared up- Ian, this is Ella."

"Hi." I whispered nodding at Ian.

"Hello, you're Mr. Smith's daughter right?" He asked, while glaring at Jace.

"Um-" I wanted to lie, but something told me that I should be truthful. I just nodded slowly, and chewed on my lip.

Ian walked around the counter, and into the kitchen, eyeing Jace the whole way.

"No more stealing my beers Jace."

"Sorry." He grumbled in response. "I only took one."

"Damn it, you're not even old enough to drink Jace. It's not okay, even just one." Ian threw his hands up in the air, clearly exasperated.

"Look, I said I was sorry Ian! Fuck, what do you want from me?"

"Nothing, its not you." Ian sighed in frustration. "I'm just not good at taking care of you."

I could feel Jace's whole body stiffen in the seat next to me. I wanted to disappear, this was obviously not a conversation meant for my ears.

"Nobody asked you to fucking take care of me, I can take care of myself." Jace snapped at him.

"But I want to take care of you- Jesus, it's about time somebody does."

"I should get going." I whispered to Jace, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, wanting to relieve some of the pressure.

Ian spoke up, surprising me. "Nonsense, you're the first guest Jace has had over- ever." He smiled at me sadly. "You should stay for dinner, I insist."

"Oh, um, my dad will be at the school to pick me up soon." I tugged on my sleeves anxiously.

"Give him a call, tell him you're having dinner with some friends." Jace said with indifference, but when I looked up at him his eyes were pleading with me to stay.

"Okay." I nodded, and when his face broke out into the most glorious smile, I found myself smiling too.

***



"Hi, dad?- its me." I talked nervously into the phone.

"El? Whats wrong?" His voice sounded truly concerned, and I felt my heart sink at how easily I worried him.

"Um, nothing- nothing's wrong. I just wanted you to know that I'm going to be doing a project with a classmate after school, so I don't need you to pick me up today." I was sitting on the couch in Jace's living room, and watching as Ian and him spoke quietly in the kitchen.

"Oh, okay. Let me know if you need me to pick you up later." He sounded relieved that there wasn't an emergency causing the unexpected phone call.

"I think I have a ride home, but thank you."

"Okay." He said, sounding a little wary about this.

"Alright, bye dad."

"Hey El?" He stopped me before I could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you kiddo."

"I love you too." I choked out, feeling bad for lying to him. I hated that he was always so concerned for me, that he had to constantly worry that I would fall completely apart again.

I sighed and rose from the couch to hang up the phone.

"What did he say?" Jace asked.

"He said it was fine- to call him if I need a ride home later." I shrugged.

Jace nodded, and looked over at Ian. "Oh, can I borrow your car to take Ella home tonight?"

"Sure, sure." Ian nodded and smiled at me again.

"Wanna listen to music or something?" Jace asked from the other side of the counter.

"Um, yeah sure." I said softly, pulling at my sleeves again.

***



My arm was throbbing still from last night, and I was trying to focus on the pain as I followed him down the small hallway, to his bedroom. I was nervous, I knew he wouldn't do anything to me, I knew he wasn't Brad, but I was still extremely anxious.

I was also scared about him seeing the cuts that were scattered across the skin on my right arm. I had gone a little over board last night, and I was more than a little ashamed of myself. I made myself physically ill, I was so messed up.

He looked at me as he opened the door. "You sure you're comfortable with this?" He asked.

***









Jace

I could practically feel how tense she was behind me as I led her to my room. I wanted to be alone with her, so I could ask her if she had cut herself the night before. I was really hoping she didn't.

I fucking knew she did though.

I hadn't been able to talk to her about any of that shit yet. I knew I fucked up with her yesterday. I also knew that she had been upset after, and when she was upset she would cut.

"You sure you're comfortable with this?" I asked her as I opened the door to my bedroom.

"Yes." She whispered.

"Well, this is my room." I gestured toward the small and messy space that I called my own.

She laughed nervously and edged her way along the wall, and over to my desk. I watched her from the doorway as she pulled my shitty chair out, and sat down.

"I have a million songs on the laptop, if you want to play any music." I scratched at the back of my neck nervously and looked anywhere but at her.

She just stared at me for a moment, and then focused her attention on my laptop. I found myself extremely curious as to what kind of music she liked. I moved to sit on my bed as Nirvana's "Oh, me" filled my bedroom.

"Nice." I said appreciatively, and watched as she fucking blushed. "So-" I started but she cut me off right away.

"I know what you're going to ask, and yes I did." She spat out and turned around, so her back was to me.

"Okay, so how bad is it?" I asked feeling my heart drop, because for some fucking reason this girl could effect me like that.

"Just stop Jace." She whispered, her back still to me.

I don't know what came over me then, but I moved over to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She jumped at my touch, but as I rubbed her shoulders I could feel as she relaxed. I continued massaging her for a moment before speaking again.

"You can't keep it from me, I told you everything about me. I want to know everything about you." I said softly.

I felt as he shoulders sagged under my touch. "I know." She whispered, with her head down low.

"What's up?" I asked, nudging her softly.

She just sighed and turned her body so she was facing me.

I waited patiently as she rolled up her sleeve, and I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling at her. Her right arm was covered, and I mean fucking COVERED in slices, and some of them were pretty fucking deep too. I grabbed her hand with both of my own, and studied the damage closely, getting more and more angry by the second, until I couldn't fucking hold my tongue any longer.

"Fuck Ella. You're killing me here." I shook my head as I released her hand from my grasp. I was having a hard time swallowing past the lump that was forming in my throat.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and then looked down at her sneakers, as she chewed on her lip anxiously. She looked like a remorseful child, who had just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Don't fucking do that." I said through gritted teeth, I was furious that she was trying to apologize to me, for hurting herself. I was upset that she could hate herself so much, and be so self-destructive. I didn't even have the right to be mad really, because wasn't I the same exact way? Self-loathing, and self-destructive. So, why was I so fucking upset then? Why did I care so much?

"I told you-" She started, but I cut her off.

"No, don't apologize for that shit." I said, as I flopped down on my bed forcefully. I rubbed my hands over my face roughly and let out a sigh.

I stayed like that for a bit, with my hands covering my face, when I realized how eerily quiet it was. I pulled my hands from my eyes and lifted my head slowly. She was staring at my torso, I looked down and realized that my shirt had rode up, revealing a couple inches of bare skin. I looked back up at her and she turned away quickly, her face an impossible shade of red.

What the fuck? Was she just checking me out?

"Were you just checking me out?" I asked like the fucking moron I am, apparently I had no filter when it came to her.

Her face darkened to an even more ridiculous hue, causing me to smirk.

"No." She said sternly.

"I think you were." I laughed, receiving a death glare from her in return.

"Whatever." She grumbled, and pulled at her sleeves.

So we sat like that, her at my desk, and me on my bed. We listened to music in a comfortable silence, as the smell of something cooking filled the air.

"Smells like-"

"Lasagna." She finished my sentence.

"I was going to say fucking heaven, but yeah I guess you're right." I said with a shrug.

I didn't realized that anything was wrong, until I heard the most heart wrenching sob escape her lips. I looked at her in shock, she was fucking shaking and she seemed to be a million miles away.

"Ella?" I moved closer to her.

"Don't, don't come any closer." She sobbed.

"What? Did I do something?" I was really fucking confused at this point, and more than a little worried.

"Just don't touch me." She was bordering on hysterical.

"Okay, okay!" I lifted my hands in the air, and backed away from her slowly.

After she rode out whatever breakdown she was having, her breathing returned to normal, and she finally looked at me. She was still shaking a bit, but she seemed less distraught.

"What was that?" I asked nervously.

"The night-" She started and then stopped to compose herself, only to start again. "The night that Brad- that he did that to me, there was a lasagna in the oven at his house."

"Oh." I sat down on the edge of my bed again, still keeping a good space between us. I didn't know what to say.

"The smell." She said shaking her head, as she raked her trembling fingers through her hair.

I suddenly wanted to fucking deck Ian for heating up the god damn lasagna.

"I'm sorry." I said lamely.

***





I heard Norah enter the apartment, and a couple minutes later Ian called us to come and eat. I stood up again and stretched slowly, watching as Ella dragged herself out of the chair. She looked drained..

"We don't have to eat, if you don't want to." I said to her.

"Aren't you hungry?" She asked.

"Yeah, but I could take you home and eat later. I don't want you to have to sit through that." I shrugged as if I weren't ridiculously concerned for her.

"Okay." She said timidly.

We walked down the hall and into the living room. The smell of the lasagna was fucking intoxicating, but I watched as Ella's eyes darted around the room, and she pulled on her sleeves nervously.

"Listen, I'm gonna take Ella home before I eat. She's not feeling well." I said to Ian, as he pulled plates out.

"Oh, I hope you're okay." Norah said from her seat across the counter, with a look of concern.

"I am, I just want to go home and lay down. Thank you though." She addressed Norah politely.

"Here." Ian pulled his set of keys from his back pocket, and tossed them to me.

"Thanks man, I'll be back soon." I said with a nod.

"Thank you for inviting me to have dinner with you, and I'm sorry I couldn't stay." Her voice sounded so weak and tired.

"Not a problem, honestly I'm intrested to see what's so special about you." Ian smiled at her and I found myself wanting to tell him to shut the fuck up.

"Jace doesn't ever bring people home." Norah piped in.

I glared at them, and after saying good bye we left the warm, and delicious smelling apartment. Once we were alone in the hallway, I really studied her, she looked so panicky still.

"Stairs?" I asked her softly.

She nodded, then she spoke. "What is so special about me?" She asked looking truly curious.

I stared at her long and hard before answering.

"Everything." I said with a shrug as we entered the stairwell. I let my answer sink in as we walked down the three flights of stairs.

Yup, I was fucking in way over my head.