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Monday, October 18, 2010

Chapter Fifteen

Ella


In a chemically induced calm I entered my first class. Last night had been brutal, I tried to free myself of the built up anxiety with my scissors, but ended up giving in and taking my meds. I usually didn't like the way the medicine made me feel, but now I actually welcomed the numbing and zombie like state.

I had taken one pill last night, and then again this morning. My dad had seemed to be comforted by this, but as I walked into the classroom, one look at Jace told me that he was not pleased.

I took my seat beside him, and tried to ignore the burning sensation of his glare on my face. I lowered my head until my hair shielded me. I didn't even want to look at him, after I hung up on him last night he had tried to call me back numerous times. I knew I should have answered to at least let him know that I was okay, but I hadn't wanted to hear the disappointment in his voice again.

I had made my decision about everything with Brad, and when I told Jace, he didn't like it one bit. He had chided me for giving up, and really I just wanted to scream at him. He didn't know anything about it, who was he to tell me what I should do?

"So, you're just going to ignore me now?" He whispered angrily from beside me.

I flinched, keeping my eyes trained on the table, his voice was full of hostility.

"Fine." He growled.

I sat through Mr. Plant's lecture in a foggy haze, and tried to ignore the feeling of the fissure in my heart growing wider. When the class ended I stayed in my seat, and waited for everyone to leave before moving to get up. I was surprised that Jace hadn't stayed behind and tried to talk to me. I was also some what relieved because honestly, I didn't have it in me to talk about all of it here.

I walked down the hall with my head down, and almost screamed when a hand grabbed my arm, pulling me into the girl's bathroom. I slowly looked up at my attacker, and felt my heart drop at the sight of Jace leaning against the door, arms crossed and frowning.

"You want to tell me, why you couldn't answer my calls?" He asked.

I pulled my arms around my torso, and stared at the ground.

"No?" He snarled, causing me to flinch. "Well, you know what? Fuck this, and fuck you too." He spat.

I could feel my lip starting to quiver, so I bit it as hard as I could with out drawing blood.

"Do you have any idea, any fucking clue, how worried I was?" He sounded really upset, and I just wanted to curl up and die.

"I told you from the begining not to worry about me, that you can't fix me." My voice was shaky, as it echoed around us in the empty bathroom.

His jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened. "I don't need this." He shook his head, and let out a dark chuckle. "From now on just leave me alone, we'll act as if we never met, things will be how they should have been from the start."

I averted my gaze, and nodded as the last suture holding my heart together snapped. "Okay." I whispered.

***



The rest of the morning passed in a blur. I had tried to keep up and pay attention to my classes, but failed miserably. It was now lunch time, and I found myself walking toward the cafeteria, feeling a sickening sense of loss. My meds were wearing off, and I could feel the full effects of what happened between Jace and me.

I had to find him.

I walked into the cafeteria, searching hastily for the shock of unruly hair, and when I found him I noticed he wasn't alone.

Rachel.

I sucked in a deep breath and marched over to where he was seated. When I reached the table, Rachel stoppped talking and Jace just continued staring forward, avoiding my gaze.

"Um, can we talk?" I asked.

He wouldn't even look at me, and I could feel myself growing more and more nervous by the second. "Please?" I whispered.

Rachel looked at me instead, and smiled. "Maybe you should take a hint, and just go?"

"Jace." I tried again.

When he finally spoke, his voice was dull and indifferent. "Ella, I'm only going to say this nicely one more time- Leave me alone."

I didn't even respond, I just turned and ran. I ran from Jace, from Rachel, and the whole stupid school, but the one person I  really wanted to escape I couldn't.

Myself.

***



I spent the remainder of the lunch period in the girls bathroom. I sat with my knees under my chin, in the last stall. I couldn't handle this, I was so over all of it, and I really just wanted a way out.

I opened my backpack, digging past the scissors to the bottle of pills. Maybe if I took two, I would feel even less, because even just one had a bit of a numbing effect. I opened the bottle and shook out two of the small white pills.

***



It was last period, and I was completely comatose. Maybe taking two of my pills was not such a great idea. I had had to fight to stay awake in each of my classes, but at least I was feeling no pain. I was compleley anxiety free, and the emptiness in my chest was easy to ignore.

I plopped down in my usual desk next to Jace, and felt his eyes all over me, as he studied me.

What-fucking-ever.

He could go to hell, I wasn't going to give him the time of day. I really just wanted to put my head down, just for a minute- I would only rest for a minute. I let my eyes flutter shut, and felt as my whole world started to spin.

"You like that Ella?" Brad's voice taunted from above me.


I laid completely still, in fear of being hit again.


"I said, do you like that Ella?" He tightened his grip on my bicep and pushed himself into me violently.


I suppressed a whimper, and nodded as tears streamed down my cheeks.


When he finally finished he released me and laughed. "God, Ella you're such a good fuck."


My whole body shook as I sobbed, and I felt as strong arms lifted me up.

I fell back into reality, and realized that I was actually in Jace's arms, and he was carrying me out of the room. I wanted to yell at him, and tell him to put me down. I wanted to tell him that he was an asshole, but instead I just rested my cheek on his shoulder and breathed in his familiar smell.

***







Jace

I was still pretty fucking upset with her, but I couldn't just sit there and ignore the sounds of her whimpering. I had to get her out of there, not to mention I had a hunch that she had taken her meds. She had seemed very hazy this morning, even when we had our fucked up argument.

She looked up at me, with an equal mix of anger and gratitude, as I carried her out of the room. Mrs. Peterson had yelled something after me, in which I responded by telling her to fuck off.

"I'm getting you out of here angel." I whispered, as she nuzzled her face into my neck.

Her breathing was slow and lazy, and I was so preoccupied with getting her out of the school, that I almost missed what she said. "I'm in love with you." She slurred.

I stopped walking and looked down at her, she had her eyes closed, and a slight smile on her face. Did she just say that she was in love with me? I shook my head and snorted. "You must be stoned out of your mind."

Her eyes popped open, and she stared at me, and one hundred percent serious said. "I am."

"I know you are, what the fuck are you on?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

"No." She said shaking her head.

"What?" I was confused, she wasn't making sense.

"I mean, I am in love with you."

I put her down, on the ground carefully, making sure she could stand on her own before letting go of her. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked harshly, because seriously I couldn't handle this constant roller coaster we were on.

"I didn't realize- I didn't realize what, I just- I'm confused." She stumbled over her words, and pulled her arms around her waist as if she could fold into herself, and completely disappear.

"Don't." I growled.

She jumped at the sound of my voice, and breathed in sharply. "Sorry." She mumbled in a pained voice.

I watched as she fidgeted with her sleeves a bunch, and I just lost it. Maybe I'm the most fucked up bastard in the world, but I couldn't help myself. I pulled her hard against me, and brought her face up to mine, kissing her hungrily. My mouth crushed against hers, and my tongue moving of it's own accord. Every emotion we were feeling was flowing through this one fucking kiss- the want, the need, even the anger- and when I pulled away, we were both left panting.

I felt as she tried to pull me back to her.

"We need to talk." I said, my voice sounding a little too rough for my liking. I felt charged, and on the verge of making a big fucking mistake, so I took a step back from her, putting distance between us.

She looked down and nodded. "Okay."

***



We got to the apartment, and I realized that today, was probably the day that would decide everything. I was pretty fucking nervous, and to be quite honest, horny as hell. I wanted to be with Ella in every sense of the word.

She walked over to the couch and sat down, chewing on her lip, looking nervous and fucking cute as hell. How I could be thinking about how cute she was, when there was some pretty fucked up shit going on was beyond me. I was still a little wary too, because she really looked as if she were stoned.

I took a seat at the counter that separated the kitchen and living-room "What did you take to get like this Ella?" I asked her from across the room, wanting to keep as much distance between us as possible. I was afraid my horny bastard side would come out and I would do something fucking stupid.

"TwoValium." She muttered the words quickly, ducking her head and avoiding my stare.

I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face roughly. What the fuck was she thinking? "Are you trying to kill yourself?"

She looked up at me slowly, and the pain that I saw there was immense, as if she really were trying. "Jesus Christ, that's not fucking funny Ella."

"I'm not laughing." She shrugged and stared at the ground again.

I stood up, and marched over to her. She wouldn't look at me, so I just stood over her like a creepy fucker until she met my gaze. "Look, I- I think I'm in love with you." I started, feeling more than a little self conscious about the whole thing. "I don't know how it happened exactly, but I'm feeling shit I didn't even think I was capable of feeling."

She looked at me unblinkingly.

"So don't fuck around with me." I growled at her, trying and failing to keep the harshness out of my voice.

She didn't even wait a second after the words left my mouth. She threw herself full force at me, and for such a small and fragile looking person she was pretty fucking strong. I caught her, and held her to me as she trailed light kisses up my neck to my ear. I shivered, because that shit felt fucking amazing, and even though I didn't deserve any of it, I basked in the feeling.

She brushed her lips against my ear, and I could feel her warm breath tickling me, I was instantly hard. "I love you, and I want to show you." She whispered.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I wanted to take take take, but that was not an option. I was more than a little afraid of upsetting her. I didn't know how far I should go with her, and that was dangerous because I also didn't know if I could stop if we started this shit. My head was fucking spinning and I wanted to just pull her to me, and let her show me that she loved me, like she said.

I groaned, and took a step back.

"Hold on angel, we've still got a lot of shit to talk about." I said as lightly as possible.

She nodded in agreement and sat back down on the couch.

I took a seat on the other end, and stared at her pointedly.

I had an idea, a sort of deal that I was hoping she would agree to. I was going to tell her that I would be with her in any way she wanted, if she would start going to see a therapist again, because quite frankly this fucking suicidal behavior was scaring the shit out of me.

It may be an asshole move on my part, to use a relationship as collateral for her going to therapy, but I couldn't stand worrying every fucking night if she would be alive in the morning. I didn't want her to fuck me over, and leave me here alone, I couldn't handle a world with out her in it. I couldn't go back to how it was before.

I looked at her and smiled. "Let's make a deal..."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chapter Fourteen

Ella


Everything.

Jace's answer was still ringing in my head as I sat beside him in silence. We were almost to my house, and I hadn't said a word to him since we got in the car,  well besides a brief instruction on how to get to my house.

I felt extremely nervous, but not in my usual way. No, this was completely different. I found myself wanting to climb over to Jace's side of the car as he drove. The close proximity of our bodies was driving me crazy, and I was hyper aware of even the slightest movements he made. I could honestly say I've never felt such a strong attraction to anyone in my life. There really was just something about him that pulled me in, and I was finding that the more time we spent together, the harder it was not to grow attached.

To grow feelings.

It was as if he were this giant magnet, and I was a tiny paperclip. The pull was intense, and quite frankly I was tired of fighting against it.

"What are you thinking about?" Jace's voice cut through my last thought, causing me to jump a little.

"Um, I was just thinking about- us." I said cautiously, I didn't want to say the wrong thing and have him push me away again. If he didn't want more than friendship from me, that was just fine. I would take whatever I could get.

"What about us?" He asked, as he pulled up in front of my house.

Shit.

I bit my lip and looked over at him from the corner of my eye. "I just was wondering what we are exactly." I prattled off quickly, reaching for the door handle to make a quick escape once this blew up in my face.

"Oh." He said as he gripped the steering wheel, and stared straight ahead.

"You don't have to say anything." I tried to laugh, but only succeeded in sounding like a dying cat.

Once I stopped making the horrid strangled sound, I gripped on to the door handle tightly, and pushed the door open with more force than necessary. I was such an idiot, I just ruined everything, yet again. He finally opened up to me today, and now I just pushed it too far. I was so pissed at myself.

"Well, goodnight Jace." I tried to keep my voice light, but it fell flat, I wasn't fooling anyone.

Stupid stupid stupid.

"Good night Ella." He said softly, still staring straight ahead, out the windshield.

***



"Bye dad!" I yelled over the roar of the truck.

As I turned to head into the school, I almost walked right into Jace. I inhaled sharply, taking in his scent, and studied his face. His eyes looked tired and haunted, much like my own. I kept staring, letting my gaze wander down his face and rest on his lips, and I found myself licking my own.

"Fuck." Jace swore as he looked away, scratching at the back of his neck and clenching his jaw.

"Good morning to you too." I laughed, feeling beyond happy that he seemed to still be speaking to me, even if it was in the form of expletives. I was so afraid that he was going to block me out, or lash out, like the last time I pushed him too much.

"What did your dad say last night, did he want to know exactly where you were?" Jace asked looking mildly worried.

I couldn't stop staring at him, and it took me a moment to realize that he had asked me a question.

"Hmm?" I asked, tugging on the bottom of my shirt nervously. I suddenly felt like I didn't fit in my skin, much less my clothes.

He rolled his eyes at me and waved his hand in front of my face. "Earth to Ella?!"

"What?- Uhm no.- I mean-he didn't ask specifics." I shrugged, thinking back to last night. My dad had been so happy that I seemed to have made a friend. He was glad that someone offered to be my partner for the fabricated school project, so glad that he didn't even bother to ask who I was 'working' with.

Thankfully.

I had felt bad for lying to him, but there was no way he would have been okay with me hanging out with Jace. He thought Jace was nothing but trouble.

"Good." He stated, looking a little less tense.

He stared down at me for what seemed like forever, and I found myself pulling my arms around my torso protectively. I felt so exposed, like I was standing there naked, with the way he was looking at me.

"Well, we should probably get to class." I stated, trying to break the weird tension.

"Sure Ella." He said quietly.

Then what he did next took me completely by surprise, he reached out and took my hand in his. I gasped and looked up at him wide-eyed.

He was definitely acting weird today.

"Is this okay?" He asked, holding our clasped hands up between us.

"Um, yeah- I mean- yes, yes its okay." I stumbled over my words like an idiot, causing him to smirk at me.

"Okay then." He nodded, still smirking.

***



Chemistry was ridiculous, the whole period I tried to ignore the fluttering in my chest and concentrate, but it was no use. Jace had taken up residence in my mind, completely consuming my thoughts.

The worst part was, I could literally feel an energy between us as we sat next to each other, and it was actually sort of painful to be so close to him, as if my soul would rip through my skin and bones to get to him. The pull was seriously that intense, I wanted to touch him, hug him, hold him, kiss him, and I knew I could do nothing of the sort.

Most of all I wanted him to want me, as much as I wanted him.

For the first time since Brad, I was actually feeling things, scary things that I shouldn't even be feeling yet. Maybe it was just some sort of emotional problem I had because of what I had been through, or maybe I was just insane.

What else would explain the fact that I was somehow falling in love with Jace Parker?

I looked over at him, with this new realization.

He was staring down at his notebook, which was void of any notes. I let my eyes travel over his profile.

"You're staring again." He pointed out, the corner of his mouth lifting.

I felt my face heat up, and let out a huff of air as I focused my attention on the board.

I watched from the corner of my eye as he shifted his whole body so that he was facing me. I had to force myself to stay in place.

"Do you find me attractive, Ella?" He whispered questioningly, causing me to blush even more.

"I-I-" I stopped and looked at him, why was he doing this now?

"Can we talk about this later?" I asked.

"Sure, whatever you want." He shrugged indifferently.

Seriously, what was up with him today?

"Are you drunk or something?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He rolled his eyes and turned away from me as Mr. Plant glared at us in warning.

God, I was such a dumbass!

"It's just, you're acting weird..." I trailed off, keeping my voice lower this time.

He clenched his jaw, obviously annoyed with my accusation.

The bell finally sounded releasing us from chemistry, Jace had yet to say anything since I asked about his state of sobriety. He got up and grabbed his stuff, looking a little- hurt? It seemed unfair for him to be upset with me. It's not like he had the best track record when it came to drinking, he had drank at school before.

"Hey." I said lamely.

He turned and stared at me, he even looked different today, more intense if that were even possible.

I suddenly felt very nervous, what if he regretted telling me everything? I don't know why, but I knew that would just kill me. I was so happy that he had trusted me enough to tell me about his past. I felt privileged that he finally wanted to let me in.

I also knew I wanted something way more than friendship, and I was pretty certain friendship was all I was getting from Jace. I was driving myself crazy, I was walking a thin line here. If I pushed too hard, he would surely pull away, and once he saw how quickly I was falling, he would run as fast as he could. I was pretty much screwed, because like it or not I had feelings for him.

"Hey." He said in return, his voice was rough and caused me to shiver.

He stared at me for a moment with a look that I couldn't decipher, as he pulled on the straps of his backpack,

"What?" I asked, feeling confused and slightly self-conscious.

"Nothing." He shook his head, as if to clear it.

"Um-" I started, not certain what to say.

"Look, I'll see you at lunch?" He asked, looking nervous for the first time since I met him.

I nodded once, feeling my heart flutter as if it had wings and could fly right out of my chest.

***



I walked to the cafeteria, with my head down and my hands in my pockets. I swerved around the crowds of people as I rushed to get to Jace. I hadn't seen him since first period, and the rest of my morning had sucked big time.

During second period Rachel Reynold's had kept kicking at my chair, and chomping on her gum like the disgusting cow she was. I tried to ignore her, and I was doing a pretty damn good job at it, until she started talking to the equally fake looking girl next to her about how "Some girls were just attention seekers."

I had rolled my eyes at her obviousness.

She had continued on nice and loud, saying that "Some girls liked to pretend to be sad to make guys feel bad for them." Her nasally voice had gotten right under my skin as she whined about "How unfair it was to the more deserving and 'normal' girls, when there were so few attractive men left at our school."

I had been extremely annoyed by the end of the class, and it hadn't helped when I ran into her again in the girl's bathroom. She had been with a pack of her stupid plastic friends, and they all started whispering when I walked in, and then they laughed as I turned right back around and walked out.

Needless to say I was in a pretty pissy mood, because honestly it's not like Rachel had any reason to dislike me, and contrary to what she believed, I hadn't won Jace's affections. We were just friends, and I hadn't purposely sought out for his attention. In fact, it had been the last thing I wanted, it was just recently that I actually craved his presence. She seemed almost jealous of my weird friendship with Jace, and that didn't make any sense, because I thought she was with Ryan Weber.

I darted around another group of people, and slid into the cafeteria.

***









Jace

I don't know why I had acted like such a fucking retard this morning. I was annoyed with myself for being so forward and pushy with her, but I couldn't fucking help it. It was obvious that she found me attractive, there was no need for me to ask. I had caught her staring at me numerous times, and to be perfectly honest it was because I found myself staring at her more than I'd like to admit. I mean, I was a guy. Obviously I knew when a girl was nice to look at, but it was much more than that with Ella. When ever I was near her, it was like every cell in my body buzzed in anticipation. I had never felt that sort of attraction before, and to be perfectly fucking honest it scared the shit out of me.

I looked up from the table I always sat at, and watched as she walked nervously- she always looked so damn timid- into the cafeteria. She spotted me and smiled shyly, and fuck me if she wasn't the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

FUCK.

I was completely losing it, turning into some sort of love-sick pussy.

Whoa, love-sick? Was I-

"Hey." Her small voice interrupted my very scary train of thought- my train wreck of a thought.

I nodded at her, and tried to smile. I was seriously scared shitless of what was happening here. I watched in a strange state of awe as she sat down next to me, she was so very close to me now. I could smell her cinnamon and spice scent. I stared at her profile, and that's when I noticed the strained look she was wearing. Her brow was furrowed, and her mouth was taught.

"What's wrong?" I asked, ready to fuck up who ever caused her to look like that, and praying to fucking god that it wasn't me.

She slumped in her seat and let out a gust of air. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." I pressed on.

"Just drop it okay?" She said weakly, her eyes begging.

"Hey." I placed my hand under her chin and turned her face toward me, fighting the urge to just kiss her. "No need for secrets." I said pointedly, because really- we knew more about each other than anyone else.

She was breathing quick and shallow, and I could feel as her warm breath brushed across my face. I watched as she started to bite on her lip, and I stopped her with my own mouth before she could. I brushed my lips lightly against hers, and then trailed slowly across her cheek to her ear.

"Tell me." I whispered causing her to shiver.

When I pulled away she looked at me in a way that made me want to just take her away from here, and keep her to myself. I couldn't help but feel protective of her.

"Just bitchy Rachel Reynolds." She sighed, looking sort of distracted, which was pretty fucking understandable. I was feeling the same exact way, being this close to her right now.

I shook my head out to clear it, what the fuck did that whore do now? "Did she say something to you?"

I watched as she tugged on her sleeves, and realized that this was a definite nervous habit of hers, along with the lip chewing. "She didn't say anything to me directly."

"Fuck her." I grunted, feeling more than a little pissy that Rachel was constantly bothering her.

She darted her eyes around, looking everywhere but at me when she spoke. "I don't want you to feel bad for me, or like you have to be nice to me." She blurted, confusing the shit out of me.

"What?" I growled, knowing this had to have something to do with what ever Rachel had said.

She just stared down at her hands in her lap and bounced her leg up and down.

"Look El, I'm kind of a fucking asshole if you haven't noticed." I started, hoping to at least make her smile, but she just kept her head low, with her hair acting as a curtain between us. I couldn't fucking stand her hiding from me like that, so I moved her hair over her shoulder and forced her to look at me before continuing. "I don't feel like I have to be nice to anyone, hell- half of the time I'm not even nice to you." I snorted.

She tried to look away, but I continued holding her face. "What I'm trying to say angel, is that I don't do anything I don't want to do, so whatever the fuck this is-" I paused gesturing between us. "It's what I want."

Her eyes widened and I could feel her pulse racing where my hand was still resting on her neck. Had I really just called her angel? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I was right to call her that though, she did look fucking heavenly.

"Jace- I-" She started to speak, and either from fear of what she would say, or just teenage hormones, I leaned in and kissed her, effectively stealing her words from her mouth.

When I pulled away from her, I noticed how quiet the cafeteria had grown. I looked around, and every fucking moron in that school was openly gaping at us. I shook my head and laughed at how fucking stupid these people were, what the fuck did they care if the two school rejects were kissing?

I looked at Ella, and noticed her cheeks were pink and she was smiling as if she had won a prize. I wondered then, what else I could do to make her smile.

***



When I got home I was in a ridiculously good mood. I went into my room and pulled up a playlist on my laptop. As I thought about Ella, the sounds of "A walk through Hell" by Say Anything filled my room. While listening to the vocals, I sat with what should have been a somewhat horrifying realization, that I quite possibly had fallen completely for this girl.

Instead of feeling freaked out, my heart felt kind of light.

I had to call her, I had to hear her voice.

I bounded down the hall, and picked up the cordless phone. Punching in Ella's number, I walked back to my bedroom. I realized that my heart was beating in anticipation.

"Hello?" Her voice answered, but it sounded different. Empty, almost like she were hollowed out.

"El?" I asked nervously, feeling my heart drop into my stomach.

I tried to recall everything that had happened after lunch, she had seemed fine, happy even. I suddenly wished I had payed more attention to her during english, but Mrs. Peterson had practically been up my fucking ass.

"Now's not a good time Jace." She whispered, sounding as if she were in pain.

"What's going on? " I asked, panicking.

"We'll talk tomorrow okay?"

"NO.- Fuck, talk to me." I pleaded

She was really quiet on the other end, and then I heard a tiny whimper.

"Angel?" I pleaded, not even feel like the fucking tool that I should for using my newly decided nick-name for her.

"I'm calling off the trial." She said through wracking sobs.

I sat in a stunned silence, studying chewed up skin around my fingernails. I didn't want to freak the fuck out and tell her that she couldn't let that asshole get away with what he did. She already sounded so upset, so I waited patiently for her to explain herself instead.

"I'm just going to hurt myself more in the long run, there's no evidence of what he did. He already denied it openly, and he has been telling everyone that I'm insane." She let out a long shaky breath before continuing. "Between my stay in the looney bin, and failed therapy, it's pretty obvious who was in the right state of mind. Who's word are they more likely to believe?"

I sat open mouthed, and fuming at her reasoning. The only reason she had had to go through therapy and all that fucking shit was because of that fucking douche. I snapped my mouth back shut and clenched the phone a bit tighter than necessary.

"Ella, the judge is going to see how much he has ruined your life. You had to go through all of that because of what happened to you." I felt myself getting really fucking angry. "You can't let him continue to ruin your life, you can't just lay down and give up."

"But isn't that what I did in the first place?" She asked quietly before hanging up.

***



I didn't sleep all night, I had tried calling Ella about eighty-three times, but she never answered. I was more than a little freaked out, and I just needed to know that she was okay. Every time I had shut my eyes, I pictured her cutting herself too deep and bleeding out all alone.

I felt my heart clench at the thought of never seeing her again, never hearing her soft voice, or smelling her spicy scent.

I walked out of my bedroom, and I must have looked pretty fucking shaken up, because Ian came around the kitchen counter to stand next to me.
"Nightmares?" He asked, looking really worried at the sight of me.

"Yeah." I lied, trying to shrug it off.

"Want me to drive you to school?"

"Nah man, I could use the walk." I said lowly, and I really fucking hoped that it would expel some of my nerves.

"Okay Jace." He nodded in understanding. "Call me if you need anything." He yelled after me as I walked out the door.

The whole walking thing would have been a great way to burn off the nervous energy, except now I was alone with my paranoid and panicky thoughts. By the time I got to the school I was a nervous fucking wreck.

***

I walked into chemistry and took my seat, trying to calm myself when I noticed the seat next to mine was still vacant. She could just be late I reasoned with myself. I watched impatiently, as numerous bodies with faces I could give two shits about walked into the room. I was growing more and more tense as the seconds ticked by murderously slow. The last bell sounded, and she was still nowhere in sight.

I was just about to get up and fucking bolt out of the room when she walked in.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Chapter Thirteen

Ella


Jace muttered something, but it was lost as the door to the apartment flew open. I had to blink hard, and fight the urge to rub at my eyes, because there in the doorway stood an older version of Jace.

"Ian." Jace regarded him icily.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ian asked, pointing at the empty beer can in Jace's hand.

"Having tea with the fucking queen- "

"Jace." Ian warned.

"What, your ears too sensitive for that shit now too? Norah's really done a number on you." He snarked in return.

I couldn't believe he was talking to his brother like that.

"You have company." The older boy seemed to just notice me, it was amazing how much they looked alike.

"Damn, I wasn't sure if she was just a figment of my imagination." Jace shook his head and laughed with out humor. "Well, now that that's all cleared up- Ian, this is Ella."

"Hi." I whispered nodding at Ian.

"Hello, you're Mr. Smith's daughter right?" He asked, while glaring at Jace.

"Um-" I wanted to lie, but something told me that I should be truthful. I just nodded slowly, and chewed on my lip.

Ian walked around the counter, and into the kitchen, eyeing Jace the whole way.

"No more stealing my beers Jace."

"Sorry." He grumbled in response. "I only took one."

"Damn it, you're not even old enough to drink Jace. It's not okay, even just one." Ian threw his hands up in the air, clearly exasperated.

"Look, I said I was sorry Ian! Fuck, what do you want from me?"

"Nothing, its not you." Ian sighed in frustration. "I'm just not good at taking care of you."

I could feel Jace's whole body stiffen in the seat next to me. I wanted to disappear, this was obviously not a conversation meant for my ears.

"Nobody asked you to fucking take care of me, I can take care of myself." Jace snapped at him.

"But I want to take care of you- Jesus, it's about time somebody does."

"I should get going." I whispered to Jace, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, wanting to relieve some of the pressure.

Ian spoke up, surprising me. "Nonsense, you're the first guest Jace has had over- ever." He smiled at me sadly. "You should stay for dinner, I insist."

"Oh, um, my dad will be at the school to pick me up soon." I tugged on my sleeves anxiously.

"Give him a call, tell him you're having dinner with some friends." Jace said with indifference, but when I looked up at him his eyes were pleading with me to stay.

"Okay." I nodded, and when his face broke out into the most glorious smile, I found myself smiling too.

***



"Hi, dad?- its me." I talked nervously into the phone.

"El? Whats wrong?" His voice sounded truly concerned, and I felt my heart sink at how easily I worried him.

"Um, nothing- nothing's wrong. I just wanted you to know that I'm going to be doing a project with a classmate after school, so I don't need you to pick me up today." I was sitting on the couch in Jace's living room, and watching as Ian and him spoke quietly in the kitchen.

"Oh, okay. Let me know if you need me to pick you up later." He sounded relieved that there wasn't an emergency causing the unexpected phone call.

"I think I have a ride home, but thank you."

"Okay." He said, sounding a little wary about this.

"Alright, bye dad."

"Hey El?" He stopped me before I could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you kiddo."

"I love you too." I choked out, feeling bad for lying to him. I hated that he was always so concerned for me, that he had to constantly worry that I would fall completely apart again.

I sighed and rose from the couch to hang up the phone.

"What did he say?" Jace asked.

"He said it was fine- to call him if I need a ride home later." I shrugged.

Jace nodded, and looked over at Ian. "Oh, can I borrow your car to take Ella home tonight?"

"Sure, sure." Ian nodded and smiled at me again.

"Wanna listen to music or something?" Jace asked from the other side of the counter.

"Um, yeah sure." I said softly, pulling at my sleeves again.

***



My arm was throbbing still from last night, and I was trying to focus on the pain as I followed him down the small hallway, to his bedroom. I was nervous, I knew he wouldn't do anything to me, I knew he wasn't Brad, but I was still extremely anxious.

I was also scared about him seeing the cuts that were scattered across the skin on my right arm. I had gone a little over board last night, and I was more than a little ashamed of myself. I made myself physically ill, I was so messed up.

He looked at me as he opened the door. "You sure you're comfortable with this?" He asked.

***









Jace

I could practically feel how tense she was behind me as I led her to my room. I wanted to be alone with her, so I could ask her if she had cut herself the night before. I was really hoping she didn't.

I fucking knew she did though.

I hadn't been able to talk to her about any of that shit yet. I knew I fucked up with her yesterday. I also knew that she had been upset after, and when she was upset she would cut.

"You sure you're comfortable with this?" I asked her as I opened the door to my bedroom.

"Yes." She whispered.

"Well, this is my room." I gestured toward the small and messy space that I called my own.

She laughed nervously and edged her way along the wall, and over to my desk. I watched her from the doorway as she pulled my shitty chair out, and sat down.

"I have a million songs on the laptop, if you want to play any music." I scratched at the back of my neck nervously and looked anywhere but at her.

She just stared at me for a moment, and then focused her attention on my laptop. I found myself extremely curious as to what kind of music she liked. I moved to sit on my bed as Nirvana's "Oh, me" filled my bedroom.

"Nice." I said appreciatively, and watched as she fucking blushed. "So-" I started but she cut me off right away.

"I know what you're going to ask, and yes I did." She spat out and turned around, so her back was to me.

"Okay, so how bad is it?" I asked feeling my heart drop, because for some fucking reason this girl could effect me like that.

"Just stop Jace." She whispered, her back still to me.

I don't know what came over me then, but I moved over to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She jumped at my touch, but as I rubbed her shoulders I could feel as she relaxed. I continued massaging her for a moment before speaking again.

"You can't keep it from me, I told you everything about me. I want to know everything about you." I said softly.

I felt as he shoulders sagged under my touch. "I know." She whispered, with her head down low.

"What's up?" I asked, nudging her softly.

She just sighed and turned her body so she was facing me.

I waited patiently as she rolled up her sleeve, and I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling at her. Her right arm was covered, and I mean fucking COVERED in slices, and some of them were pretty fucking deep too. I grabbed her hand with both of my own, and studied the damage closely, getting more and more angry by the second, until I couldn't fucking hold my tongue any longer.

"Fuck Ella. You're killing me here." I shook my head as I released her hand from my grasp. I was having a hard time swallowing past the lump that was forming in my throat.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and then looked down at her sneakers, as she chewed on her lip anxiously. She looked like a remorseful child, who had just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Don't fucking do that." I said through gritted teeth, I was furious that she was trying to apologize to me, for hurting herself. I was upset that she could hate herself so much, and be so self-destructive. I didn't even have the right to be mad really, because wasn't I the same exact way? Self-loathing, and self-destructive. So, why was I so fucking upset then? Why did I care so much?

"I told you-" She started, but I cut her off.

"No, don't apologize for that shit." I said, as I flopped down on my bed forcefully. I rubbed my hands over my face roughly and let out a sigh.

I stayed like that for a bit, with my hands covering my face, when I realized how eerily quiet it was. I pulled my hands from my eyes and lifted my head slowly. She was staring at my torso, I looked down and realized that my shirt had rode up, revealing a couple inches of bare skin. I looked back up at her and she turned away quickly, her face an impossible shade of red.

What the fuck? Was she just checking me out?

"Were you just checking me out?" I asked like the fucking moron I am, apparently I had no filter when it came to her.

Her face darkened to an even more ridiculous hue, causing me to smirk.

"No." She said sternly.

"I think you were." I laughed, receiving a death glare from her in return.

"Whatever." She grumbled, and pulled at her sleeves.

So we sat like that, her at my desk, and me on my bed. We listened to music in a comfortable silence, as the smell of something cooking filled the air.

"Smells like-"

"Lasagna." She finished my sentence.

"I was going to say fucking heaven, but yeah I guess you're right." I said with a shrug.

I didn't realized that anything was wrong, until I heard the most heart wrenching sob escape her lips. I looked at her in shock, she was fucking shaking and she seemed to be a million miles away.

"Ella?" I moved closer to her.

"Don't, don't come any closer." She sobbed.

"What? Did I do something?" I was really fucking confused at this point, and more than a little worried.

"Just don't touch me." She was bordering on hysterical.

"Okay, okay!" I lifted my hands in the air, and backed away from her slowly.

After she rode out whatever breakdown she was having, her breathing returned to normal, and she finally looked at me. She was still shaking a bit, but she seemed less distraught.

"What was that?" I asked nervously.

"The night-" She started and then stopped to compose herself, only to start again. "The night that Brad- that he did that to me, there was a lasagna in the oven at his house."

"Oh." I sat down on the edge of my bed again, still keeping a good space between us. I didn't know what to say.

"The smell." She said shaking her head, as she raked her trembling fingers through her hair.

I suddenly wanted to fucking deck Ian for heating up the god damn lasagna.

"I'm sorry." I said lamely.

***





I heard Norah enter the apartment, and a couple minutes later Ian called us to come and eat. I stood up again and stretched slowly, watching as Ella dragged herself out of the chair. She looked drained..

"We don't have to eat, if you don't want to." I said to her.

"Aren't you hungry?" She asked.

"Yeah, but I could take you home and eat later. I don't want you to have to sit through that." I shrugged as if I weren't ridiculously concerned for her.

"Okay." She said timidly.

We walked down the hall and into the living room. The smell of the lasagna was fucking intoxicating, but I watched as Ella's eyes darted around the room, and she pulled on her sleeves nervously.

"Listen, I'm gonna take Ella home before I eat. She's not feeling well." I said to Ian, as he pulled plates out.

"Oh, I hope you're okay." Norah said from her seat across the counter, with a look of concern.

"I am, I just want to go home and lay down. Thank you though." She addressed Norah politely.

"Here." Ian pulled his set of keys from his back pocket, and tossed them to me.

"Thanks man, I'll be back soon." I said with a nod.

"Thank you for inviting me to have dinner with you, and I'm sorry I couldn't stay." Her voice sounded so weak and tired.

"Not a problem, honestly I'm intrested to see what's so special about you." Ian smiled at her and I found myself wanting to tell him to shut the fuck up.

"Jace doesn't ever bring people home." Norah piped in.

I glared at them, and after saying good bye we left the warm, and delicious smelling apartment. Once we were alone in the hallway, I really studied her, she looked so panicky still.

"Stairs?" I asked her softly.

She nodded, then she spoke. "What is so special about me?" She asked looking truly curious.

I stared at her long and hard before answering.

"Everything." I said with a shrug as we entered the stairwell. I let my answer sink in as we walked down the three flights of stairs.

Yup, I was fucking in way over my head.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Chapter Twelve

Ella


I knew today would be different, I had done something ridiculously out of character, thoroughly proving that it is never a good thing to step out of your comfort zone.
***



It all started earlier that morning. I hadn't had time to shower, because yet again my alarm had sounded too early for my liking, therefore I ignored it. My dad yelled at me to get up, and when I realized how late it was I ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to get myself together before he killed me. I picked up whatever articles of clothing I could find, and tugged them on hasitly before rushing out the door. I was upset that I didn't get to clean up really before school, but at least I had bandaged most of my cuts from the night before. I really shouldn't have blamed it all on waking up late, because none of it would have mattered if I had just stuck to my normal appearance for school. That's right it wasn't just the missed shower that would make me miserable.

It was the fact that I had worn my hair up.

I know, I know, what's the big deal right? In my haste I had forgotten that my hair was still in a messy, crazy knot at the base of my skull. I had tied it up last night before bed. Wearing my hair up is something I rarely do, because I can't hide behind anything, my face being so openly exposed. Anyways, I hadn't had time to mess around with it this morning, so up it was. I didn't think anything of it really, I mean who would even notice, right?

Wrong.

***



I was making my way to chemistry, late pass in hand, and I could feel my heart sinking with each step. I would have to see Jace, and after yesterday I really just wanted to stay as far away from him as I could.

I opened the door to the class, and was instantly greeted with the stares of all my peers. It felt so much like my first day here that I wanted to turn and run. I took a deep breath and pushed forward grudgingly, making sure not to look in Jace's direction.

"Ms. Smith." Mr. Plant nodded at me while taking the late slip from my hand.

I scurried over to the table with my head down, and plopped heavily into my seat, keeping my eyes glued to the table I tried to relax, but I could feel his eyes on me. My face was on fire, and I longed for my long locks to hide behind.

I'm never wearing my hair up again.

I tried to find solace in the discomfort my right arm was giving me. I had a thick sweatshirt on today, and the fuzzy texture of my sleeve was sticking to the cuts that didn't have bandages on them. I had really done a number on myself last night. I could feel my face forming a grimace as I scribbled aimlessly on the corner of my notebook. I could still feel him staring at me, and it took everything I had to remain indifferent and not look up.

I got tired of trying to pay attention to Mr. Plant, and not pay attention to Jace, so I put my head down on the table, and closed my eyes. It felt good to just rest them, I could just lay like this for a few minutes, and then-

"It's gonna be fun baby." Brad was whispering in my ear as he pushed me down on the couch roughly. He had already ripped my pants down to my knees.


"Please, don't do this.." I was begging.


"Just shut the fuck up and stay still, don't make me hurt you Ella." He was sneering at me.


"You disgust me." I said with out thinking


That's when he hauled back and slapped me.


"We can do this the easy way- or we can do this the hard way." He was staring down at me like I was something he wanted to devour. "Now, you're gonna stay still."

-"El." A voice I recognized was calling me, such a beautiful voice.

"EL!" The voice was louder and closer, causing me to jump this time.

"Wha-" I looked around at my surroundings. I was in school, not with Brad. I was okay. Except, everbody was staring at me, even Mr. Plant looked horrified. I looked over at Jace for the first time today.

"I fell asleep?" I asked, knowing the answer already.

He nodded in response, looking at me with a pained expression.

"I was talking." I stated this more than asked.

He cleared his throat, looking around awkwardly, before nodding again.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." I groaned, resting my head back on the table, and burying my face in my arms.

"Ms. Smith?" Mr. Plant started in on me right away, causing me to groan louder, before burying my face further.

Jace spoke then, surprising me. "Mr. Plant, may I take Ella to the nurse? I don't think she's feeling too well."

***



We were walking down the hall, in silence. I didn't want to even look at him, but he had done me such a favor back there, yet again I found myself owing him. I was tallying off all the times he had helped me, and found myself feeling kind of guilty. I would never be able to repay him for his help, because he wouldn't even let me in. I still had no idea what had happened to him to make him the way he is now.

After a few more moments of thinking, I realized he was staring at me again.

"You didnt have to do that." I said numbly, the effects of the dream still causing my nerves to stand on end.

"I know." He stated simply.

I had to find a way to get away from him, I had to do something to relieve myself. This was just all too much, and being near him wasn't helping. I had such conflicting feelings about him, and right now I found myself wanting to just wrap my arms around him, which would not be a good idea.

"I really do feel sick though, you know?" I peeked at him now, he was giving me a look that said 'quit the bullshit', but I continued babbling anyway. "No really, I think I am going to go to the nurse." I offered with a shrug.

"That's fine, I said I'd take you, and I will." He said pointedly.

"You can stop pretending to care, just forget we ever met, really its fine." I said as coldly as I could.

"Fuck, Ella." He shook his head at me. "If only it were so easy to forget you."

His voice, full of sadness, caused me to stop in my tracks and look at him. It was so out of character to hear that much emotion in his words, unless it was anger. He was staring at me with such intensity, his eyes kept darting from my eyes to my neck, and down to my collar bone. He swallowed hard, and I found myself wanting to pull my hair out of the elastic once and for all.

"What are you-"

"Look, do you want to know what happened or not?" He asked, looking a bit panic-stricken.

I stared into his eyes then, they were wide and lost, I'm sure my own were as big as saucers when they met his. "Yes." I whispered breathily.

***





Jace

I had led her out of chemistry, and all I could think as we walked along was what the fuck is so exciting about this girl's neck?

Seriously, I couldn't take my eyes off of the curve of it, and the edge of her collar bone. You would think she was walking around fucking shirtless. At least If she had been walking around with out a shirt it would explain my issue, but no, just show me some neck and I'm fucking hard as a rock. It really had been too fucking long since I let myself really look at a girl, because why else would the fact that this girl had worn her hair up completely undo me?

I was fucking gone.

She said some bullshit about really feeling sick, and told me to just forget about her. Like I could ever fucking forget this girl, she didn't even realize how she effected me, I think I may have even told her something like that. Then I studied her fucking neck some more, practically salivating on myself, and causing her to squirm a little.

I was such a fucking creep.

Then what I said next, almost surprised me as much as it did her, but somehow I knew I had to do it. "Look, do you want to know what happened or not?"

She looked at me with her huge hazel eyes. "Yes." She whispered.

"Let's get out of here then." I said.

She just bit her bottom lip nervously and nodded.

***



We walked, and walked, past the book store, and all the shops in the center, until we came up to my street. I led the way in silence, not ready to speak to her until we were fully alone. I was still sort of surprised that she had agreed to leave school, and didn't even ask where we were headed once.

The aparment building was right in front of us now, and I stopped abruptly, causing her to slam into the back of me.

She sucked in air sharply. "Sorry." She squeaked.

I didn't respond, just took her hand and led her up the stairs of the building.

When we got inside, we jumped in the shitty elevator and headed up to the third floor. I studied her as she bounced up amd down in place, staring at the ground as if it would fall out from beneath her at any given moment. My curiousity at this got the better of me.

"You don't like elevators?" I asked, speaking for the first time.

She jumped at the sound of my voice, wrapping her arms around her torso protectively. "I just don't like to feel confined, or constricted." She said nervously.

"Mmm." I nodded in understanding.

When the doors opened, releasing us, she practically sprinted out. I would have to remember to take the stairs next time she came over, if there was a next time. God, I fucking hoped there was a next time, even if I didn't deserve it.

Once I unlocked the door to the apartment, she started to look really nervous. I kicked myself mentally, I didn't even think about how uncomfortable this would probably make her.

Fuck.

"Uh." I scratched at the back of my neck anxiously. "We can talk somewhere else if you want?"

"N-No, this is fine." She stuttered, shaking her head.

"Shit, don't lie to me Ella." I crossed my arms, staring at her pointedly. "I just wanted to talk somewhere private, it's kind of crazy shit to just chat about while out to lunch." I snorted, with out humor.

"Really, I'm fine." She said, looking more curious than nervous now.

"Okay." I nodded, pursing my lips together.

***



We sat at the counter between the kitchen and the living room, I figured my bedroom was not a fucking good idea. Ian and Norah were both at work, so we were alone anyways.

"You want anything to drink?" I asked her, as I headed to the fridge.

"Um, a bottle of water?" She asked quietly.

"Sure, sure." I nodded grabbing her a water, and stealing one of Ian's beers for myself. He wouldn't notice anyway.

When I handed her the water she took it nervously, and studied the beer in my hand.

"It's a little early to be drinking, isn't it?" She asked timidly.

I cracked the can open, and the sound seemed to echo off the walls of the apartment.

"Nope." I said, popping the 'p' at the end of the word, and smirking at her as I took a sip.

She just frowned at me, and twisted the cap off of her water.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, or are you just going to get shitfaced?" She asked, shocking the hell out of me with her forwardness.

I choked on my sip, sputtering.

"Okay, okay." I said while wiping the excess beer from my lips.

She sat up attentively, trying to look patient, and failing miserably.

"You're sure you want to know?" I asked raising an eyebrow at her.

She nodded so hard, I thought her head might fucking roll off her neck- and that fucking neck was causing so many crazy thoughts to run through my mind. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Shit.

I had to shake my head to clear it before begining.

I didn't know where to start, so I just dove right the fuck in. "I'm a murderer."

Now it was her time to choke on her drink. "Excuse me?" She coughed, looking confused.

"I killed my father." I stated numbly, trying to keep the emotion inside of me, tucked deeply away.

"You're lying." She said shaking her head.

"No, I'm not." I said shaking my head back at her. "I fucking killed him, Ella."

Then she surprised me for the second time today, reacting completely opposite of how I thought she would. "What did he do to you? Tell me everything." She whispered.

"You don't want to leave, to run away from me? I fucking killed someone." I spoke harshly, but she didn't even flinch.

"No, I know you're a good person." She was staring at her water, and picking at the label on the bottle.

"Good people, don't kill other people Ella." I rubbed my hand over my face roughly.

"What did he do to you?" She asked, looking really sad now.

I just fucking cracked then.

"He used to beat on me. Every fucking day I would go home, and have to deal with that alcoholic bastard." I could feel myself giving in to the memory, my eyes tearing.

She just sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. Giving me the time I needed to gather myself before continuing.

"I had been out drinking with my friends the night it happened." I paused holding up my beer and laughing humorlessly.

"Maybe if I had been home, he would have attacked me instead of her, but no, I had to sneak out and be a little shit, I should have been home." I was just trying to keep my breathing steady at this point.

"He fucking killed my mom, right in front of me Ella, I just fucking lost it and lunged at him." I felt myself falling into the memory. "When the cops got there, they pulled me off of him. He had long been dead, but I was still stabbing him." I knew I was completely unhinging, bordering on hysterical. "So much blood." I whispered.

She moved to comfort me, but I pushed her away, and fought off my emotions. "Don't you see? It's all my fault." I picked up the can of beer with a shaky hand, and took a long sip.

"And now, Ian has to fucking deal with me, after both of our parents are dead because of me." I felt my heart growing impossibly tight with guilt, like it would just give out at any moment.

"You can't blame yourself." She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"I wish he had killed me instead of her." I said the words out loud for the first time, feeling as my protective shell fell back into place.

She shook her head slowly, tears falling down her cheeks. "Don't say that." She whispered, her voice hitching.

"Everyone would be better off." I shrugged, as the last of my hysteria faded. "He would be in jail, my mom would be alive, and Ian and Norah would be happy alone together."

"I wouldn't be." She mumbled, looking down as if she were embarassed, and using her sleeve to wipe the last of the tears from her face.

"What are you talking about? I'm a fucking asshole to you half of the time." I shook my head dissapprovingly at her.

"I don't care." She shrugged.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked rudely. "You like being treated like shit or something?"

"No, I just know that it's not the real you when you act like that." She looked me in the eye, a challenge.

"You're right." I nodded. "The real me is much nicer, and cuddlier than that. A fucking murderer."

"Just stop it." She yelled, causing me to jump, because she hardly ever raised her voice. "You can't make me not l- like you, okay?"

"I can try." I grunted, just as the apartment door opened.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Chapter Eleven

Ella


My heart was pounding so hard against my ribs, that I was certain they would fracture under the pressure. I was anxious, yes, but this was a completely different type of anxiety. After the kiss I hadn't been able to bring my heart back down to a normal speed. It was now last period and I was still all worked up over it. Everytime Jace so much as shifted his weight in the desk next to mine, I felt my heart try to leap from my chest in crazy unhealthy jolts. I was really kind of confused by my intense reaction to him, you would think that I wouldn't want anything to do with another guy after what happened with Brad, and I hadn't.

Until Jace.

I looked over at him, any girl could see that he was the most beautiful guy at this school hands down (Even though Ryan Weber would beg to differ), but that wasn't it. There was just something about Jace Parker that effected me in a way that no other guy ever had.

At first sight, you would think trouble. He just looks the part of the troubled teen boy, a badass if you will, but there was something pushed so deep inside of him, that came out at the strangest moments. It was like you could catch a glimpse of the real Jace, if you just got past all the swearing and the hard exterior. I thought back to when he had first seen my cuts, the look on his face, it was more than just shock or horror, and then it was gone. I wanted to know who that person was deep inside of him, the one he worked so hard to keep buried. I wanted to know what had made him how he was now.

I had to know.

"Pst." Jace signaled, looking at me from the corner of his eye, I leaned forward expectantly. He gestured toward the front of the room with the hand that had just been covering his mouth. What the hell? Was he telling me to pay attention? I was fighting the urge to snort at him when-

"Ms. Smith?" I jumped at the sound of my name and turned to face Mrs. Peterson, our english teacher. Every eyeball in the class was glued to me, well except for Jace's. He was just shaking his head seemingly amused by me.

"Yes, Mrs. Peterson?" I asked timidly, my voice cracking from either embarassment or lack of use.

"Please try to focus your attention up here." She said pointedly, while glancing over at Jace.

I wish everyone would stop looking at me.

"Sorry." I whispered, flushing insanely as I pushed myself even lower in my seat, gripping at my desk until my knuckles turned white.

After what seemed like an eternity the class had come to an end. As everyone got up around me I stayed slouched in my seat, exhausted by the events of the day. I was chewing on a particularly painful hang nail and letting my thoughts run rampid when I realized that Jace was staring at me from the doorway, waiting for me to get up.

Oh crap.

For some reason I found myself ridiculously nervous to approach him. I pulled myself out of my seat reluctantly, grabbing my backpack off the floor. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked slowly over to him, dragging my feet and chewing on my lip the whole way.

"What the hell was that about?" He asked.

I wasn't sure if he meant my slow approach, or the fact that I had been caught staring at him for half the class. I was pretty sure it was the latter though. I balled my hands into tight fists inside my pockets. If I hadn't picked up the habbit of biting my nails down to tiny stubs, I was sure my palms would have had little crescent shaped marks in them.

"Hey." He said, tugging on one of my sleeves as if to make me release my hands and answer him.

We were still standing in the doorway of the classroom, people pushing past us. "I want you to tell me something about yourself." I blurted out dumbly.

He looked at me quizically and shook his head as if to clear it. "What?"

I let my eyes dart around, and when I decided no one was paying attention I started. "It's just that you know everything about me, and I don't know the first thing about you."

He clenched his jaw. "You know everything you need to."

"What- nothing?" I said feeling a little angry now. He really knew some of the deepest darkest secrets I had, and I knew nothing about him. Well, except that he drank and swore like a sailor, and that he lived with his brother.

"Look Ella." He said my name with so much venom, it reminded me of the way he had acted the first day I met him. "I don't know if you realize this, but we are not in a relationship. I owe nothing to you, and quite frankly I don't give a fuck that you find it unfair that I know about all of your shit. That's your own damn fault." He lashed out at me, his voice full of anger.

I felt my eyes starting to sting, and I clenched my hands even tighter to will them away. "Fine." I said numbly, shrugging him off.

"Good." He snapped back. If I wasn't so upset, it would have been kind of comical, but instead of laughing I turned and ran away from him.

***



I locked myself up in my room as soon as I got home, telling my dad that I had a ton of homework. I had so many conflicting emotions. Mostly I wanted to cry, and scream, but I also found myself wanting to laugh. I couldn't believe how stupid I was for thinking that Jace and I could have any type of relationship, I obviously wasn't stable enough to even be friends. I could feel myself building up to a certain level of hysteria, and I decided one thing. I was never going to let another guy into my life again.

I don't need anyone. I though to myself as I dug frantically through my backpack for my weapon of choice.

***



After I made my first cut, it was like I couldn't stop, nothing else mattered at that point. I made fluid quick swipes with the blade of the scissors across my right arm. I usually never cut this arm, considering I was right handed and I found myself to be sloppy and unprecise when I used my left hand to cut. I didn't care at that moment, I was too far gone.

I don't know how much time had gone by when I finally felt what I was looking for, but I stared down at my arm where there were a variety of different sized wounds. Some were just welted angry scratches, while others were actually bleeding slices.

I smiled in satisfaction.







Jace

I sat at the counter that seperated the kitchen from the living room with my head in my hands. I had been sitting like that, with the phone laying on the counter top in between my elbows, just waiting since I had gotten home. I was hoping she would call, the weak part of me was anyway, the smaller stronger part of me was saying that this was for the best. I couldn't- no- I wouldn't let this girl get close enough to know me. I was not capable, or worthy of someone else's affection. Not to mention that this girl was so fragile, and I could barely keep myself from breaking. It didn't matter anyway, if she found out the truth about me then she would probably just write me off anyway. I was a murderer, and a horribly twisted person, but for some reason I just didn't want her to think so low of me.

"FUCK." I yelled slamming my fists on the table. Too bad Norah wasn't here to hear that one. Ian and her had gone out to dinner and a movie, so I had the house to myself.

Fucking lucky bastards.

I snatched the phone from the counter, and made my way down the hallway to my room. I went right for the new bottle of liquour, I had obtained it through a rather miserable man. I always knew how to find the people that would be happy enough for some extra cash, to buy alcohol for a minor. I pulled the full glass bottle from under my bed, this time I had gotten myself a nice bottle of Jack. I opened it and took a swig, feeling the burn as the firey liquid made its way down my throat and settled in my chest. With a slight smile on my face I walked over to my computer and brought up a playlist. Rage Against The Machine "Killing in the name" blared through the speakers, matching my mood perfecly.

***



I had already made a pretty good dent in the bottle of Jack, and I was feeling pretty fucking lousy about myself. I couldn't stop thinking about Ella, and how much of a fucking asshole I had been to her. She had been right to a point, I knew everything about her, and offered nothing about myself in return. Not to mention I kept fucking up, telling her I just wanted to be friends one minute, and kissing her the next.

I was sitting in the shitty chair that matched my shitty desk, and leaning back with my feet propped up on said desk. I had one arm over my face, while my other arm held the bottle of liquor in my lap. I thought about how nice it would be to just fucking hear her voice, and dropped my feet on the floor. The wheels of the chair protested, they were all wobbly and fucking retarded as I propelled myself closer to the desk clumsily, sloshing whiskey everywhere.

"Oops." I shrugged sucking some of the liquour off of my hand, and reaching for the phone.

I stared at the phone hesitantly, and then figured why the fuck not? I punched in her number and waited for her voice, and waited, and-

"Hello?" A man's voice answered me instead, her fucking dad.

"Wrong number." I grunted before hanging up.

I was such a fucking moron, what was I going to say if she had answered anyway? I let my head fall down on the desk rather roughly, I felt as though my thoughts were whirring around in my skull, the feeling was sickening. I was so drunk, and so fucking tired, I just needed to close my eyes.

***



I awoke screaming and thrashing. Why the fuck was I on the floor? The remnants of the dream still lingering on the edges of my mind, I had to force myself to remember that I was safe, that I was in Ian's apartment. I looked around me, shaking like a God damn leaf, and pulled myself up off the ground. Even though I knew I was fine, I still couldn't shake the image of my dad's bloody face from my mind. Sometimes I swore it was his way of coming back to fucking haunt me. I wondered if Ian and Norah were home yet, and just how fucking loud I was screaming, when Ian's voice rang out answering both of my questions.

"Woah, woah, what the hell's going on?" he flung my door open taking in the sight of me with a look of shock. I probably looked like a raging lunatic.

"Nightmare." I shrugged. Ian knew I sometimes had nightmares about that night.

"I thought they were getting better." He said in a quiet and pained voice, the thing about Ian is he was always putting people's feelings before his own. I mean the fact that he had taken me in after our parents died was nice enough in itself, especially when he had wanted Norah to move in so they could start their life together- as in alone. Add to that the fact that I was the monster that killed our father, he was just completely selfless. I mean, it's not like Ian was ever very fond of our father either, but he never despised him as much as I did. You see good ol' dad had always had a special place in his heart for me, beating on me day after day. Ian never knew how bad it had really been for me, because he had gotten the fuck out of there as soon as he could.

"Guess not." I shrugged trying to remain indifferent, but the truth was I was still pretty fucking shaken up.

"Have you been taking your meds?" He asked, sounding a little uncomfortable with the whole situation.

I just shrugged again hoping he would just fucking drop it. He stared at me a long time before saying anything, and when he finally spoke he surprised the shit out of me. "You're the only one who blames you, you have to forgive yourself." and then he patted me on the shoulder and left me sitting there alone, feeling even shittier than before.

Fucking Ian, always so damn selfless.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Chapter Ten

Ella


I awoke to the dreadful sound of my alarm clock, Monday morning had come too soon. I lay in bed and thought about the weekend, I had spent most of Saturday with Jace, and even though we had agreed to just be friends I felt my heart warm at the thought of him. Sunday on the other hand, was not quite as warm and fuzzy to recall, and all because my mother had called to 'check on me'. I hadn't heard from her since I moved, so it should have been nice to hear from her, but instead her call just solicited a horrible attack on my nerves.

She had kept asking me about what I was going to say at the hearing. I told her I didn't know yet, and this obviously was not the answer she was looking for. She then proceeded to tell me that Brad was telling everyone that I had made up everything about that night, her words causing me to tailspin out of control. In fact I had spiraled into such a panicked frenzy at this point that my dad actually took the phone from my hands, asking my mom not to call again unless she had something sensible to say. Needless to say, I had spent the rest of Sunday in a medicated fog.

"El?" My dad's voice came from outside my bedroom door, wiping away the last thoughts of my mother.

"Don't worry, I'm up." I answered throwing the blankets off of me and walking to the door. When I opened it I was greeted with his worried face.

"How are you feeling?" He asked uneasily, and I automatically felt guilty.

Yesterday when he had tried to get me to take my medication I had tweaked out. I had screamed at him like a nut case until I finally succumbed, snatching the bottle from his hand. I had taken the white pill, refusing the water he offered me to swallow it down, chewing on it viciously instead.

"I'm okay." I shrugged timidly, keeping my head down.

"Hey, chin up kiddo." He said pushing my chin up with his hand. "You're gonna get through this." He was staring at me with such confidence that I almost believed him. Almost.

I forced a smile and nodded once.

"Alright, hurry up and get ready." He looked at me sternly before adding. "We don't need you being late for school, especially where you left early Friday."

***



It felt damp in the cab of my dad's truck, damp and cold like my lingering mood. I stared down at my lap as he drove along. I found myself thinking about Jace, and I couldn't help the sudden pang of excitement I felt because I would be able to see him in just a few moments. Then I felt nervous, remembering how yesterday I had been too sedated to even call him, I had promised Saturday before leaving him that I would. I wondered if he was worried or angry with me.

When my dad finally came to a stop, parking in front of the school, I flung my door open hastily and jumped out. I spotted Jace immeadiately, he was leaning against the building with his eyes glued to the ground, I had to force myself not to call out to him. As I picked my backpack up off the floor of the truck, I caught my dad staring at me quizically.

"Don't want to be late." I laughed nervously, the sound of it was thin and crazed even to my ears. I flung my backpack over my shoulder and smiled at him shutting the door and waving goodbye. I forced myself to stay rooted in my spot until he was out of sight.

"Did you forget how to use a phone?" His voice cause me to jump, I hadn't heard him approaching, and he was now right behind me.

"Sorry." I said biting my lip. "I had a rough day yesterday." I shuddered involuntarily, and forced myself to look up at him.

"You had a rough day?" He asked sarcastically. "I paced around my room wondering if you fucking severed an artery or something." His harsh words caused me to cringe, his face automatically softened. "You're alright then?" He asked looking genuinely relieved.

"In a sense, yes." I said before thinking.

"What happened?" He asked reaching out for my arm, and dropping his hand before he even touched me.

"Nothing really, my mom called." I shrugged, hoping he would just let me leave it at that. I really didn't feel like relaying the information my mom gave me about Brad to him, nor did I think I could with out falling apart again.

He just nodded as if this explained everything, and then he was frowning. "You didn't-" He stopped and looked around before looking back at me with a pained expression.

"No, I didn't do anything." I said staring down at my sneakers, and feeling embarassed that my habbit was becoming a normal thing for us to discuss, as if we were speaking about the weather.

"Good." He said offering me one of his amazing smiles, he was absolutely gorgeous, I felt my chest pang with a ridiculous amount of want.

"Lets get to class." I tried to keep my voice steady, and void of any of emotion that would portray the want I was experiencing. "My dad will have my head if I'm late." I added.

He just snorted at that.

As we walked through the halls that led to chemistry class everyone stared and whispered. I felt myself starting to tremble, I moved closer to Jace and then he surprised me by putting his arm over my shoulders protectively. He also glared at our audience as he did this, but that didn't surprise me in the least.

"Don't mind them Ella." He squeezed me closer before continuing, the warmth of his body against mine causing me to almost moan out loud. "They're ignorant, they can't help but fucking stare." He was speaking loudly, as if announcing it to everyone instead of just speaking to me. I didn't care what he was saying, or who he was saying it to, because all that existed right now was the weight of his arm as it rested across my shoulders.

When we reached the chemistry lab he removed his arm, causing me to whimper embarassingly when he pulled away. He stared down at me then, and raised one eyebrow. I tried to smile at him and then walked in to the classroom.

***







Jace

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, putting my arm around her like that. Now there was a dull aching in my chest as she sat beside me, I felt a wanting so strong that it hurt. I could still smell the lingering scent of her on my sweatshirt, she smelled like fall, all apples and cinnamon.

Fuck.

I looked over at her but she was just staring at her hands where they rested on the table, and bouncing her leg up and down like she did so often during class. I studied her for a bit, taking in her features, because fuck was she beautiful. The fullness of her lips, the shape of her jaw, her delicate neck, the pale creamy skin that stretched softly across her collar bones, against the stark contrast of her black shirt.

"Fuck." I said out loud this time before I could stop myself.

She jumped and looked at me. "What is it?"

"Nothing." I said lamely, and stared at Mr. Plant waiting for him to start today's lesson. Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking loathed chemistry?

***



I was just fucking glaring at the clock. Fucking move I urged the second hand. There were exactly thirty seconds until lunch,  until I could see Ella again. God, I was fucking pathetic counting down the seconds like this, but I hadn't seen her since first period this morning, not even a peek in the halls. I looked around impatiently, bouncing my leg up and down in anticipation.

-Fifteen seconds.

Chemistry had been a lot of silent groaning and stolen glances on my part. I watched as Ella wrote down notes, noticing how she would bite the end of her pen while she waited for the next bit of important information to be dispersed. It was as if she knew just how to drive me fucking crazy.

-Riiiiiing

Thank fucking God! I was up and out of my seat so fast, I was sure that everyone in the class thought I was completely out of my mind. Either that or really fucking hungry, but I'm betting on the prior assesment. I continued weaving quickly around people in the hall with only one thing on my mind. That's when I crashed into something, or shall I say someone solid.

Fucking Ryan Weber.

Will this douche never fail to fucking piss me off? I grunted from the impact and clenched my jaw as I pushed past him, not really in the mood for a conflict today. Ryan, of course didn't feel the same.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" He asked in a taunting voice. I decided to just fucking ignore him and keep walking, having no such luck as he continued talking. "Did you hear your crazy lunatic bitch had a mental breakdown today in the bathroom?" His words stopped me in my tracks, I swear even my heart stopped.

"What the fuck are you talking about Weber?" I choked on my words trying to remain calm, how could he possibly know that? Better yet, what would cause her to break down? She had told me that her mom called her yesterday, but she seemed okay this morning. I watched as Rachel Reynolds stepped forward, putting her arm around Ryan's waist and sneering at me.

"Rachel said she went into the bathroom after first period, and there that freaky little bitch was, completely throwing a fit." The way Ryan was talking about this so casually made something inside of me snap. I tried to stay calm, really I did, but I just fucking lost it.

"You're gonna keep your fucking mouth shut where Ella is concerned." I hissed grabbing him by the collar of his pansy-ass shirt, slamming him hard against the lockers, and soliciting a startled cry from Rachel. "Both of you." I warned, shooting them each a menacing look

"What Parker? You don't want the whole school to know about your crazy-ass girlfriend?" He paused just to look at me. "News flash, everyone notices something isn't right with her!" He was laughing now, he was lucky I was too worried about Ella at that moment to do anything else but find her.

"I'll deal with you later." I paused to let the words fully sink in. "And that's a fucking promise." I snarled, letting go of his shirt roughly. I took off down the hall in an even more frantic search for Ella than before.

When I got to the cafeteria, I scanned the crowd hastily, until my eyes landed on her. She was sitting at the table I usually occupied, with her head slumped down. I felt as if my heart were being crushed, I walked over to her quickly. She just stared down at the table top for a long time before looking at me.

"What happened?" I asked gently, taking the seat next to her.

"I don't want to talk about it." She was talking so softly that I had to strain to hear her.

"Come on, we're going for a walk." I said, and when she didn't respond immeadiately I held my hand out to her. She looked at my hand as if mulling something over, and then clasped it.

We walked on with me leading the way, I knew exactly where we could go to get away from all the drama. There was a spot outside where I sometimes spent lunch period, especially when I wanted to be alone. I kept walking dragging her along with me, until we were behind a small shed like structure beside the school.

"What is this place?" Ella asked, curiosity getting the best of her, making her sound a bit less distraught.

"I'm guessing it was a custodian shed of some sort." I shrugged. "Nobody ever uses it now."

She nodded biting at her lip and pulling her arms around herself.

"Now, what happened this morning?" I asked, feeling really nervous that I may have caused this breakdown with the whole arm around the shoulders bit. What the fuck was I thinking? I had just told her Saturday that we couldn't be more than friends, but I couldn't control myself when all those people were staring us down. I felt like I had to protect her.

"It's nothing." She shrugged.

"Listen, I need to know if it-" I stopped, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Fuck, I just need to know that I didn't upset you."

"What?" She asked, her eyes widening. "No, its nothing you did Jace." She shook her head looking more upset now.

"What's going on with you then? Tell me, I want to help you Ella." I felt like I would go absolutely crazy if she didn't tell me what had gotten her so upset. I found myself hating her mom again, because I knew it was something she had said to her. Ella had said this morning that she had a rough day because her mom called.

"It's Brad." She blurted and tears formed in her eyes. Wait, now I was confused. Who the fuck was Brad, and why did I feel something that could only be described as jealousy?

"He's denying the whole thing." She sobbed, bringing me back to my senses.

Of course, Brad was her ex-boyfriend. Now the jealousy was gone, and replaced with complete rage. I often thought about finding her ex and beating the shit out of him, now I had a name to go with this little day-dream of mine. I watched as Ella sobbed painfully, I couldn't refrain any longer. I pulled her to me, crushing her against me, and letting her sob into my shirt until she let it all out and fell silent.

She sniffled a few times and then looked up at me. "Sorry." She squeaked.

I stared down at her then, and something happened. It was like I had no fucking control of my body. I leaned forward slowly smelling her cinnamon breath as it hit my face in warm bursts, and feeling her chest rise and fall against mine, I brushed my lips lightly against hers. She whimpered, and I pulled away immeadiately because this was so fucked up, I shouldn't be fucking kissing her.

"Sorry." I grunted, because it was my turn to be apologizing.

"No, I liked it." She looked at me blushing now.

I felt myself starting to smile, but I got a hold of that shit quick. What the fuck is wrong with you Jace? I was screaming at myself mentally, but physically I just wanted to say 'fuck it' , and continue on kissing her.

"It won't be happening again." I said firmly, more to myself than her.

I couldn't risk fucking her up more than she already was, and I knew if I kept this up I would somehow. I knew I could never have a relationship, I wasn't stable or even worthy of such a thing, I was so fucking stupid for kissing her.

She looked down at the ground and kicked at a rock disappointedly.

"We better go, you're going to be late." I said ending the discussion of kissing completely.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Chapter Nine

Ella


The next morning I awoke with the sun, and even though it was really early I decided to hop in the shower. I figured I would just get ready right away and maybe do some of my homework before I met up with Jace.

I stepped out of the shower looking down at my naked form and sighing. I studied the marred skin of my arm, letting my eyes travel down to the vicious scab that was forming on my stomach, and then finally taking in the gash on my calf. There was only one word that came to mind -hideous.

I was disgusting.

I sighed and wrapped myself in a towel, gathering my discarded pajamas and walking into my bedroom with tears in my eyes. Why did I start doing this again? Would I ever be able to stop? No, I didn't think I would be able to, because right now I was seriously contimplating grabbing my scissors to erase the pain of it all. Quite the contradiction.

I hated myself.

After ten more minutes of self-loathing I scraped myself up off the ground and moved to my closet to pick out something to wear. I settled for my usual outfit of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

Once I was dressed I dragged myself over to my mirror and stared at the haunted girl who had become a complete stranger to me. I combed my hair and decided to just let it dry naturally like I always did, and I didn't even own makeup anymore, so basically I looked like my usual glum self, and definitely not good enough to be with Jace Parker.

"Gross." I whispered staring down my reflection with disgust.

***



I made breakfast for my dad and me, and after we finished eating I did the dishes. I wanted to make sure he was extra happy with me this morning, just in case he was having second thoughts about me going into town. Once the dishes were done, and my dad was sitting comfortably in front of the TV, I got started on the gratuitous amount of homework I had. It was about eleven thirty when I finally finished up.

I walked over to where my dad was lounging, and stepped in front of the television blocking his view and stealing his attention. "So, you don't mind me going to the center right?- and I can use your truck?" I asked timidly, praying that he hadn't changed his mind about me going.

"No, not at all." He smiled. "Will you be home for dinner?" He asked looking concerned for some reason.

"Um, I don't know- I could call you." I added the last bit about calling because he looked so worried.

"Just make sure you feed yourself Ella!" I went to say something but before I could get a word out he stopped me. "You barely ate breakfast, and it's almost lunch time" He said sternly and then his voice softened. "You're worrying me, you really can't afford to lose anymore weight."

I just nodded because I really didn't know what to say, and he was right. It's not that I wanted to lose weight, in fact I thought I was starting to look like a walking corpse, but a lot of times I couldn't even stomach the thought of food.

"Here." He got up and pulled his wallet out. "Take this, get yourself some lunch." He said handing me a twenty.

"Dad, I don't need that!" I argued, but he just raised a brow at me. "Well, twenty is way too much, I'm not going to spend this much on lunch." I said crossing my arms.

"Well use the extra for dinner if you're still out doing your- uh- shopping." He shrugged and plopped back down in his spot on the sofa.

"Thank you dad." I said and headed out the door quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. He was always looking out for me, and I was always worrying him with all of my problems.

***



I pulled up in front of the bookstore that I had gone to with Jace yesterday, and parked the truck with a new kind of anxiety brewing inside of me. I had a feeling what (or should I say who) was causing this excitement in me, but I pushed it far into the back of my mind where I kept all the thoughts and feelings I wasn't allowed to have.

I stepped out of the truck, it was absolutely beautiful out. I wished I could roll up my sleeves and feel the cool breeze on my skin, but that was obviously not an option. I walked with my head down and my arms around my waist protectively as I weaved around people. It was extremely crowded here today, nothing like yesterday's empty sidewalk. I had to force myself to remain calm as I felt the stares from the people around me.

Sometimes when I was in a large crowd I would let my thoughts run rampid, and I would start to wonder where Brad was at that very moment. I would wonder if he would ever try to find me, and then I would get all flighty and paranoid, looking over my shoulder every five seconds and quickening my pace as if he were right behind me. I really didn't want to do the whole crazy paranoid girl routine today, so I tried to force all thoughts of Brad from my mind, and kept my pace gruelingly slow. I couldn't let him get to me like this anymore, he already screwed me up beyond repair, I had to stop letting him effect my every move.

I could feel my hands starting to tremble as I thought about the hearing, I would have to face him again soon enough. I pulled my hands instinctively up to my face and leaned against the wall of the bookstore. "I can't do this." I mumbled into my fingertips.

"Can't do what?" The familiar husky voice I had become so fond of interrupted my mini episode.

I don't know what came over me then, but as soon as I made eye-contact with him I threw my arms around him. He froze immeadiately, and I pulled back quickly as if the contact had burned me, shrinking back against the wall feeling more than a little weirded out. What the hell was I doing? I had a feeling I broke some unwritten rule between us, like we weren't supposed to touch- ever, well accept maybe when he was inspecting my wounds.

"Uh, so I figured we could get some lunch or something." He said scratching the back of his neck.

I just stared at him, my face still warm from the embarassment of throwing myself at him.

"Are you hungry?" He asked staring at me in a strange way, I think I really messed up hugging him like that, because he seemed freaked out.

"Um, not really." I whispered looking around us at all the people walking by.

"Fuck Ella." I jumped at his words, crap he was not happy with me.

"Look, I'm sorry I hugged you like that I don't know what came over me." I spoke quickly, my face flaming at this point.

"What?" He asked sounding annoyed at first, and then he chuckled lowly. "No, It's just- why am I not surprised that you're not hungry?" He asked looking unnecessarily upset.

"Oh." I said dumbly, and pulled my arms tightly around my torso.

"You're destroying yourself." He said, his eyes burning into mine with such intensity that I couldn't help but shiver.

"Like you can talk." I whispered still holding his gaze.

He snorted at me, causing me to frown.

"You drank yourself stupid for the past couple of days." I reminded him, as I recalled the sound of smashing glass through the phone last night. "Did you miss the day in health class when they taught everyone about alcoholism? You're destroying yours-"

"DON'T." He snarled causing me to wince.

"I- I'm- " I wanted to apologize immeadiately, and I didn't know why. I just knew that for some reason what I said had offended him horribly.

"It's fine." He cut me off, his jaw clenching as if to contradict that statement.

I bit my lip nervously and stared at my sneakers, I hadn't known that I was going to cry, until I saw my shoelaces as if I were looking at them through a glass of water.

***







Jace

Shit. I watched as a tear ran down her face slowly, and plopped to the ground. "Don't cry, it's fine." I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but I still wasn't quite sure how she would react. I had been so surprised by the physical contact earlier, but I wasn't taking my chances and upsetting her further. Not to mention that just a simple hug from this girl had me hard. I was such a fuck up.

She looked up at me "What happened to you Jace?" She asked quietly.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I just drank a little too much lastnight." I shrugged and smirked at her like the ass I was. I wasn't fucking ready to talk about any of my shit with her, and I didn't know if I would ever really be able to share that piece of my life with anyone.

"No, I mean what happened to you in the past." She corrected timidly.

Damn it. "I knew what you fucking meant." I grunted and looked away from her quickly.

"I'm sorry, I'm just doing everything wrong today." She whispered.

I looked up at her now, and studied her face. She was staring at her damn sneakers again. I hated when she averted her gaze like that, so I figured- fuck it- and grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. "You're not doing anything wrong, I'm the one who's all fucked up today."

She let out a small shaky breath, it smelled like cinnamon when it hit my face. "Fuck." I cursed under my breath keeping my eyes locked on hers. "Ella?" I asked softly.

"Yeah?" She answered breathily, staring at me through half opened eyes.

I moved in closer, hoping that she was okay with what I was about to do. I was mere centimeters from her face when- "Jace?"

"Norah." I groaned pulling away from Ella reluctantly, I swear to God I found myself wanting more and more to just tell Norah to fuck off.

"What are you doing here-" She asked and then turned her attention to Ella, who was blushing like fucking crazy now.

"I have to do some shopping." I said, but the way I said it sounded more like 'mind your own fucking business'

"Oh." She answered lamely and continued just fucking staring at Ella, what the fuck was her problem? Couldn't she see how uncomfortable she was making her? Finally she snapped out of her fucking trance and looked at me pointedly. I knew what she was trying to say with that look -'I thought you weren't involved with the new girl'

Well fuck her, it was none of her fucking business how I spent my free time.

"Well don't be rude Jace." Norah spoke out startling me, I wondered if I had been saying my thoughts out loud, considering the filter between my brain and mouth didn't always work so well, it was definitely possible. She rolled her eyes at my obvious confusion and let out a sigh. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"

I looked over at Ella, who was now staring at me and chewing on her lip to the point I was sure she would draw blood. Norah was standing in front of us with her arms crossed, just smirking at me smugly.

"Norah, this is Ella." I said gesturing to Ella. "And Ella, this is Norah."

"Hi!" Norah chirped perkily, causing Ella to pull her arms tighter around herself. I couldn't help but be a little fucking annoyed with how uncomfortable Norah was making her.

"Yeah, yeah- hi- well, we gotta go." I said cutting her off before she could terrorize Ella any further with her overly cheery demeanor. I mean don't get me fucking wrong, Norah was usually cool, but I had to get the fuck out of there.

"Alright, I'll see you later-" Then she paused as if in thought. "Hey! Why don't you have Ella come over for dinner tonight?"

"Uh-" I didn't know what the fuck to do, for some reason I didn't think this was a good idea. I looked over at Ella for help, but what I saw there was a look of hurt.

"I gotta go." Ella said with out warning. "It was great meeting you." She nodded to Norah and started to walk down the sidewalk.

What the fuck was happening? "What the Fuck?" I hissed, causing Norah to cringe involuntarily.

"Let me ask you something Einstein" She said in a smartass voice that seemed to be reserved for only talking me.

"What?" I snapped not in the mood for her shit right now, I was already losing sight of Ella in the crowd.

"Did you tell Ella I was Ian's girlfriend?" She asked confusing the shit out of me.

"I really don't think she gives a shit that you're Ian's girlfriend." I growled.

"Oh really?" She asked crossing her arms matter of factly.

I glared at her, my patience wearing thin.

"Yeah you're probably right." She nodded before tapping me on the head. "But I bet she cares whether or not I'm your girlfriend."

FUCK.

I didn't even wait to say anything to Norah, I took off down the sidewalk like a mad man. I slammed through people left and right, receiving quite a few dirty looks. One guy in a business suit even stopped as if to say something to me, but when he took in my crazed expression he thought better of it. I finally saw her long brown hair, and I just fucking sprinted to her side grabbing her arm to stop her.

"Get off." She sobbed jumping a mile.

"Sorry-" I leaned forward, resting my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. "Norah- Norah-" I was fucking weezing like an eighty year old chain smoking man. She just squinted her eyes at me and shook her head.

She turned around quickly and started to walk away from me again.

"She's Ian's girlfriend." I finally blurted.

I watched as she slowed her step, coming to a complete stop. I stared at the back of her head, and found my eyes traveling down her back and down to her- Fuck, I had to get a grip on my thoughts.

"I'm not an asshole." I said, breathing a bit easier now that she seemed to be listening. "Well, not a complete asshole anyway." I laughed with out humor, she turned and looked at me quizically. "Okay, okay. I'm a complete asshole!" I shrugged, praying that she wouldn't walk away. Why did I care so much about what this girl fucking thought, or how she felt? I was afraid to answer my own questions.

She spoke after what seemed like forever. "She's your brother's girlfriend?"

I nodded slowly, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"I think we need to talk." She said abruptly, causing me to feel just a little fucking nervous.

"Uh- okay." I shrugged, but I was definitely weirded out. We weren't even in a relationship and she was saying the words 'we need to talk'

"Jace, I- I- " She stuttered before staring at me. "I like you." She said, and before I could interrupt her she continued. "Like, I really like you."

I stared at her then and knew that I was screwed. "I like you too." I whispered.

She smiled so brightly that I wanted to keep it at that. She looked so fucking beautiful when she smiled like that, it was a rare sight, but I couldn't let her believe we could actually go anywhere with this.

"And that's precisely why we can't be anything more than friends." I watched as her smile dimmed slowly and then completely burned out.

Then she tried to force the smile back on her face, forming more of a grimace. "Fine, friends then." She nodded.

"Alright." I said nodding in return, but kicking myself mentally.

We spent the rest of the day going into all the little shops on the strip, and then we stopped to get a late lunch. Ella mostly picked at her food while I ate, and we didn't mention anything more about our conversation from earlier, or our weird encounter before Norah had interrupted us. I watched as she moved her food around the plate with her fork.

God, she was fucking gorgeous.

When exactly had this gone from me being stuck with her problem, to me wanting to be with her? What the fuck was I going to do? Because at the rate things were going I was falling too hard and too fast, and that just wasn't good, for either of us.