In a chemically induced calm I entered my first class. Last night had been brutal, I tried to free myself of the built up anxiety with my scissors, but ended up giving in and taking my meds. I usually didn't like the way the medicine made me feel, but now I actually welcomed the numbing and zombie like state.
I had taken one pill last night, and then again this morning. My dad had seemed to be comforted by this, but as I walked into the classroom, one look at Jace told me that he was not pleased.
I took my seat beside him, and tried to ignore the burning sensation of his glare on my face. I lowered my head until my hair shielded me. I didn't even want to look at him, after I hung up on him last night he had tried to call me back numerous times. I knew I should have answered to at least let him know that I was okay, but I hadn't wanted to hear the disappointment in his voice again.
I had made my decision about everything with Brad, and when I told Jace, he didn't like it one bit. He had chided me for giving up, and really I just wanted to scream at him. He didn't know anything about it, who was he to tell me what I should do?
"So, you're just going to ignore me now?" He whispered angrily from beside me.
I flinched, keeping my eyes trained on the table, his voice was full of hostility.
"Fine." He growled.
I sat through Mr. Plant's lecture in a foggy haze, and tried to ignore the feeling of the fissure in my heart growing wider. When the class ended I stayed in my seat, and waited for everyone to leave before moving to get up. I was surprised that Jace hadn't stayed behind and tried to talk to me. I was also some what relieved because honestly, I didn't have it in me to talk about all of it here.
I walked down the hall with my head down, and almost screamed when a hand grabbed my arm, pulling me into the girl's bathroom. I slowly looked up at my attacker, and felt my heart drop at the sight of Jace leaning against the door, arms crossed and frowning.
"You want to tell me, why you couldn't answer my calls?" He asked.
I pulled my arms around my torso, and stared at the ground.
"No?" He snarled, causing me to flinch. "Well, you know what? Fuck this, and fuck you too." He spat.
I could feel my lip starting to quiver, so I bit it as hard as I could with out drawing blood.
"Do you have any idea, any fucking clue, how worried I was?" He sounded really upset, and I just wanted to curl up and die.
"I told you from the begining not to worry about me, that you can't fix me." My voice was shaky, as it echoed around us in the empty bathroom.
His jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened. "I don't need this." He shook his head, and let out a dark chuckle. "From now on just leave me alone, we'll act as if we never met, things will be how they should have been from the start."
I averted my gaze, and nodded as the last suture holding my heart together snapped. "Okay." I whispered.
The rest of the morning passed in a blur. I had tried to keep up and pay attention to my classes, but failed miserably. It was now lunch time, and I found myself walking toward the cafeteria, feeling a sickening sense of loss. My meds were wearing off, and I could feel the full effects of what happened between Jace and me.
I had to find him.
I walked into the cafeteria, searching hastily for the shock of unruly hair, and when I found him I noticed he wasn't alone.
I sucked in a deep breath and marched over to where he was seated. When I reached the table, Rachel stoppped talking and Jace just continued staring forward, avoiding my gaze.
"Um, can we talk?" I asked.
He wouldn't even look at me, and I could feel myself growing more and more nervous by the second. "Please?" I whispered.
Rachel looked at me instead, and smiled. "Maybe you should take a hint, and just go?"
"Jace." I tried again.
When he finally spoke, his voice was dull and indifferent. "Ella, I'm only going to say this nicely one more time- Leave me alone."
I didn't even respond, I just turned and ran. I ran from Jace, from Rachel, and the whole stupid school, but the one person I really wanted to escape I couldn't.
I spent the remainder of the lunch period in the girls bathroom. I sat with my knees under my chin, in the last stall. I couldn't handle this, I was so over all of it, and I really just wanted a way out.
I opened my backpack, digging past the scissors to the bottle of pills. Maybe if I took two, I would feel even less, because even just one had a bit of a numbing effect. I opened the bottle and shook out two of the small white pills.
It was last period, and I was completely comatose. Maybe taking two of my pills was not such a great idea. I had had to fight to stay awake in each of my classes, but at least I was feeling no pain. I was compleley anxiety free, and the emptiness in my chest was easy to ignore.
I plopped down in my usual desk next to Jace, and felt his eyes all over me, as he studied me.
He could go to hell, I wasn't going to give him the time of day. I really just wanted to put my head down, just for a minute- I would only rest for a minute. I let my eyes flutter shut, and felt as my whole world started to spin.
"You like that Ella?" Brad's voice taunted from above me.
I laid completely still, in fear of being hit again.
"I said, do you like that Ella?" He tightened his grip on my bicep and pushed himself into me violently.
I suppressed a whimper, and nodded as tears streamed down my cheeks.
When he finally finished he released me and laughed. "God, Ella you're such a good fuck."
My whole body shook as I sobbed, and I felt as strong arms lifted me up.
I fell back into reality, and realized that I was actually in Jace's arms, and he was carrying me out of the room. I wanted to yell at him, and tell him to put me down. I wanted to tell him that he was an asshole, but instead I just rested my cheek on his shoulder and breathed in his familiar smell.
I was still pretty fucking upset with her, but I couldn't just sit there and ignore the sounds of her whimpering. I had to get her out of there, not to mention I had a hunch that she had taken her meds. She had seemed very hazy this morning, even when we had our fucked up argument.
She looked up at me, with an equal mix of anger and gratitude, as I carried her out of the room. Mrs. Peterson had yelled something after me, in which I responded by telling her to fuck off.
"I'm getting you out of here angel." I whispered, as she nuzzled her face into my neck.
Her breathing was slow and lazy, and I was so preoccupied with getting her out of the school, that I almost missed what she said. "I'm in love with you." She slurred.
I stopped walking and looked down at her, she had her eyes closed, and a slight smile on her face. Did she just say that she was in love with me? I shook my head and snorted. "You must be stoned out of your mind."
Her eyes popped open, and she stared at me, and one hundred percent serious said. "I am."
"I know you are, what the fuck are you on?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.
"No." She said shaking her head.
"What?" I was confused, she wasn't making sense.
"I mean, I am in love with you."
I put her down, on the ground carefully, making sure she could stand on her own before letting go of her. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked harshly, because seriously I couldn't handle this constant roller coaster we were on.
"I didn't realize- I didn't realize what, I just- I'm confused." She stumbled over her words, and pulled her arms around her waist as if she could fold into herself, and completely disappear.
"Don't." I growled.
She jumped at the sound of my voice, and breathed in sharply. "Sorry." She mumbled in a pained voice.
I watched as she fidgeted with her sleeves a bunch, and I just lost it. Maybe I'm the most fucked up bastard in the world, but I couldn't help myself. I pulled her hard against me, and brought her face up to mine, kissing her hungrily. My mouth crushed against hers, and my tongue moving of it's own accord. Every emotion we were feeling was flowing through this one fucking kiss- the want, the need, even the anger- and when I pulled away, we were both left panting.
I felt as she tried to pull me back to her.
"We need to talk." I said, my voice sounding a little too rough for my liking. I felt charged, and on the verge of making a big fucking mistake, so I took a step back from her, putting distance between us.
She looked down and nodded. "Okay."
We got to the apartment, and I realized that today, was probably the day that would decide everything. I was pretty fucking nervous, and to be quite honest, horny as hell. I wanted to be with Ella in every sense of the word.
She walked over to the couch and sat down, chewing on her lip, looking nervous and fucking cute as hell. How I could be thinking about how cute she was, when there was some pretty fucked up shit going on was beyond me. I was still a little wary too, because she really looked as if she were stoned.
I took a seat at the counter that separated the kitchen and living-room "What did you take to get like this Ella?" I asked her from across the room, wanting to keep as much distance between us as possible. I was afraid my horny bastard side would come out and I would do something fucking stupid.
"TwoValium." She muttered the words quickly, ducking her head and avoiding my stare.
I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face roughly. What the fuck was she thinking? "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
She looked up at me slowly, and the pain that I saw there was immense, as if she really were trying. "Jesus Christ, that's not fucking funny Ella."
"I'm not laughing." She shrugged and stared at the ground again.
I stood up, and marched over to her. She wouldn't look at me, so I just stood over her like a creepy fucker until she met my gaze. "Look, I- I think I'm in love with you." I started, feeling more than a little self conscious about the whole thing. "I don't know how it happened exactly, but I'm feeling shit I didn't even think I was capable of feeling."
She looked at me unblinkingly.
"So don't fuck around with me." I growled at her, trying and failing to keep the harshness out of my voice.
She didn't even wait a second after the words left my mouth. She threw herself full force at me, and for such a small and fragile looking person she was pretty fucking strong. I caught her, and held her to me as she trailed light kisses up my neck to my ear. I shivered, because that shit felt fucking amazing, and even though I didn't deserve any of it, I basked in the feeling.
She brushed her lips against my ear, and I could feel her warm breath tickling me, I was instantly hard. "I love you, and I want to show you." She whispered.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I wanted to take take take, but that was not an option. I was more than a little afraid of upsetting her. I didn't know how far I should go with her, and that was dangerous because I also didn't know if I could stop if we started this shit. My head was fucking spinning and I wanted to just pull her to me, and let her show me that she loved me, like she said.
I groaned, and took a step back.
"Hold on angel, we've still got a lot of shit to talk about." I said as lightly as possible.
She nodded in agreement and sat back down on the couch.
I took a seat on the other end, and stared at her pointedly.
I had an idea, a sort of deal that I was hoping she would agree to. I was going to tell her that I would be with her in any way she wanted, if she would start going to see a therapist again, because quite frankly this fucking suicidal behavior was scaring the shit out of me.
It may be an asshole move on my part, to use a relationship as collateral for her going to therapy, but I couldn't stand worrying every fucking night if she would be alive in the morning. I didn't want her to fuck me over, and leave me here alone, I couldn't handle a world with out her in it. I couldn't go back to how it was before.
I looked at her and smiled. "Let's make a deal..."