Chapter Twelve

Ella


I knew today would be different, I had done something ridiculously out of character, thoroughly proving that it is never a good thing to step out of your comfort zone.
***



It all started earlier that morning. I hadn't had time to shower, because yet again my alarm had sounded too early for my liking, therefore I ignored it. My dad yelled at me to get up, and when I realized how late it was I ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to get myself together before he killed me. I picked up whatever articles of clothing I could find, and tugged them on hasitly before rushing out the door. I was upset that I didn't get to clean up really before school, but at least I had bandaged most of my cuts from the night before. I really shouldn't have blamed it all on waking up late, because none of it would have mattered if I had just stuck to my normal appearance for school. That's right it wasn't just the missed shower that would make me miserable.

It was the fact that I had worn my hair up.

I know, I know, what's the big deal right? In my haste I had forgotten that my hair was still in a messy, crazy knot at the base of my skull. I had tied it up last night before bed. Wearing my hair up is something I rarely do, because I can't hide behind anything, my face being so openly exposed. Anyways, I hadn't had time to mess around with it this morning, so up it was. I didn't think anything of it really, I mean who would even notice, right?

Wrong.

***



I was making my way to chemistry, late pass in hand, and I could feel my heart sinking with each step. I would have to see Jace, and after yesterday I really just wanted to stay as far away from him as I could.

I opened the door to the class, and was instantly greeted with the stares of all my peers. It felt so much like my first day here that I wanted to turn and run. I took a deep breath and pushed forward grudgingly, making sure not to look in Jace's direction.

"Ms. Smith." Mr. Plant nodded at me while taking the late slip from my hand.

I scurried over to the table with my head down, and plopped heavily into my seat, keeping my eyes glued to the table I tried to relax, but I could feel his eyes on me. My face was on fire, and I longed for my long locks to hide behind.

I'm never wearing my hair up again.

I tried to find solace in the discomfort my right arm was giving me. I had a thick sweatshirt on today, and the fuzzy texture of my sleeve was sticking to the cuts that didn't have bandages on them. I had really done a number on myself last night. I could feel my face forming a grimace as I scribbled aimlessly on the corner of my notebook. I could still feel him staring at me, and it took everything I had to remain indifferent and not look up.

I got tired of trying to pay attention to Mr. Plant, and not pay attention to Jace, so I put my head down on the table, and closed my eyes. It felt good to just rest them, I could just lay like this for a few minutes, and then-

"It's gonna be fun baby." Brad was whispering in my ear as he pushed me down on the couch roughly. He had already ripped my pants down to my knees.


"Please, don't do this.." I was begging.


"Just shut the fuck up and stay still, don't make me hurt you Ella." He was sneering at me.


"You disgust me." I said with out thinking


That's when he hauled back and slapped me.


"We can do this the easy way- or we can do this the hard way." He was staring down at me like I was something he wanted to devour. "Now, you're gonna stay still."

-"El." A voice I recognized was calling me, such a beautiful voice.

"EL!" The voice was louder and closer, causing me to jump this time.

"Wha-" I looked around at my surroundings. I was in school, not with Brad. I was okay. Except, everbody was staring at me, even Mr. Plant looked horrified. I looked over at Jace for the first time today.

"I fell asleep?" I asked, knowing the answer already.

He nodded in response, looking at me with a pained expression.

"I was talking." I stated this more than asked.

He cleared his throat, looking around awkwardly, before nodding again.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." I groaned, resting my head back on the table, and burying my face in my arms.

"Ms. Smith?" Mr. Plant started in on me right away, causing me to groan louder, before burying my face further.

Jace spoke then, surprising me. "Mr. Plant, may I take Ella to the nurse? I don't think she's feeling too well."

***



We were walking down the hall, in silence. I didn't want to even look at him, but he had done me such a favor back there, yet again I found myself owing him. I was tallying off all the times he had helped me, and found myself feeling kind of guilty. I would never be able to repay him for his help, because he wouldn't even let me in. I still had no idea what had happened to him to make him the way he is now.

After a few more moments of thinking, I realized he was staring at me again.

"You didnt have to do that." I said numbly, the effects of the dream still causing my nerves to stand on end.

"I know." He stated simply.

I had to find a way to get away from him, I had to do something to relieve myself. This was just all too much, and being near him wasn't helping. I had such conflicting feelings about him, and right now I found myself wanting to just wrap my arms around him, which would not be a good idea.

"I really do feel sick though, you know?" I peeked at him now, he was giving me a look that said 'quit the bullshit', but I continued babbling anyway. "No really, I think I am going to go to the nurse." I offered with a shrug.

"That's fine, I said I'd take you, and I will." He said pointedly.

"You can stop pretending to care, just forget we ever met, really its fine." I said as coldly as I could.

"Fuck, Ella." He shook his head at me. "If only it were so easy to forget you."

His voice, full of sadness, caused me to stop in my tracks and look at him. It was so out of character to hear that much emotion in his words, unless it was anger. He was staring at me with such intensity, his eyes kept darting from my eyes to my neck, and down to my collar bone. He swallowed hard, and I found myself wanting to pull my hair out of the elastic once and for all.

"What are you-"

"Look, do you want to know what happened or not?" He asked, looking a bit panic-stricken.

I stared into his eyes then, they were wide and lost, I'm sure my own were as big as saucers when they met his. "Yes." I whispered breathily.

***





Jace

I had led her out of chemistry, and all I could think as we walked along was what the fuck is so exciting about this girl's neck?

Seriously, I couldn't take my eyes off of the curve of it, and the edge of her collar bone. You would think she was walking around fucking shirtless. At least If she had been walking around with out a shirt it would explain my issue, but no, just show me some neck and I'm fucking hard as a rock. It really had been too fucking long since I let myself really look at a girl, because why else would the fact that this girl had worn her hair up completely undo me?

I was fucking gone.

She said some bullshit about really feeling sick, and told me to just forget about her. Like I could ever fucking forget this girl, she didn't even realize how she effected me, I think I may have even told her something like that. Then I studied her fucking neck some more, practically salivating on myself, and causing her to squirm a little.

I was such a fucking creep.

Then what I said next, almost surprised me as much as it did her, but somehow I knew I had to do it. "Look, do you want to know what happened or not?"

She looked at me with her huge hazel eyes. "Yes." She whispered.

"Let's get out of here then." I said.

She just bit her bottom lip nervously and nodded.

***



We walked, and walked, past the book store, and all the shops in the center, until we came up to my street. I led the way in silence, not ready to speak to her until we were fully alone. I was still sort of surprised that she had agreed to leave school, and didn't even ask where we were headed once.

The aparment building was right in front of us now, and I stopped abruptly, causing her to slam into the back of me.

She sucked in air sharply. "Sorry." She squeaked.

I didn't respond, just took her hand and led her up the stairs of the building.

When we got inside, we jumped in the shitty elevator and headed up to the third floor. I studied her as she bounced up amd down in place, staring at the ground as if it would fall out from beneath her at any given moment. My curiousity at this got the better of me.

"You don't like elevators?" I asked, speaking for the first time.

She jumped at the sound of my voice, wrapping her arms around her torso protectively. "I just don't like to feel confined, or constricted." She said nervously.

"Mmm." I nodded in understanding.

When the doors opened, releasing us, she practically sprinted out. I would have to remember to take the stairs next time she came over, if there was a next time. God, I fucking hoped there was a next time, even if I didn't deserve it.

Once I unlocked the door to the apartment, she started to look really nervous. I kicked myself mentally, I didn't even think about how uncomfortable this would probably make her.

Fuck.

"Uh." I scratched at the back of my neck anxiously. "We can talk somewhere else if you want?"

"N-No, this is fine." She stuttered, shaking her head.

"Shit, don't lie to me Ella." I crossed my arms, staring at her pointedly. "I just wanted to talk somewhere private, it's kind of crazy shit to just chat about while out to lunch." I snorted, with out humor.

"Really, I'm fine." She said, looking more curious than nervous now.

"Okay." I nodded, pursing my lips together.

***



We sat at the counter between the kitchen and the living room, I figured my bedroom was not a fucking good idea. Ian and Norah were both at work, so we were alone anyways.

"You want anything to drink?" I asked her, as I headed to the fridge.

"Um, a bottle of water?" She asked quietly.

"Sure, sure." I nodded grabbing her a water, and stealing one of Ian's beers for myself. He wouldn't notice anyway.

When I handed her the water she took it nervously, and studied the beer in my hand.

"It's a little early to be drinking, isn't it?" She asked timidly.

I cracked the can open, and the sound seemed to echo off the walls of the apartment.

"Nope." I said, popping the 'p' at the end of the word, and smirking at her as I took a sip.

She just frowned at me, and twisted the cap off of her water.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, or are you just going to get shitfaced?" She asked, shocking the hell out of me with her forwardness.

I choked on my sip, sputtering.

"Okay, okay." I said while wiping the excess beer from my lips.

She sat up attentively, trying to look patient, and failing miserably.

"You're sure you want to know?" I asked raising an eyebrow at her.

She nodded so hard, I thought her head might fucking roll off her neck- and that fucking neck was causing so many crazy thoughts to run through my mind. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Shit.

I had to shake my head to clear it before begining.

I didn't know where to start, so I just dove right the fuck in. "I'm a murderer."

Now it was her time to choke on her drink. "Excuse me?" She coughed, looking confused.

"I killed my father." I stated numbly, trying to keep the emotion inside of me, tucked deeply away.

"You're lying." She said shaking her head.

"No, I'm not." I said shaking my head back at her. "I fucking killed him, Ella."

Then she surprised me for the second time today, reacting completely opposite of how I thought she would. "What did he do to you? Tell me everything." She whispered.

"You don't want to leave, to run away from me? I fucking killed someone." I spoke harshly, but she didn't even flinch.

"No, I know you're a good person." She was staring at her water, and picking at the label on the bottle.

"Good people, don't kill other people Ella." I rubbed my hand over my face roughly.

"What did he do to you?" She asked, looking really sad now.

I just fucking cracked then.

"He used to beat on me. Every fucking day I would go home, and have to deal with that alcoholic bastard." I could feel myself giving in to the memory, my eyes tearing.

She just sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. Giving me the time I needed to gather myself before continuing.

"I had been out drinking with my friends the night it happened." I paused holding up my beer and laughing humorlessly.

"Maybe if I had been home, he would have attacked me instead of her, but no, I had to sneak out and be a little shit, I should have been home." I was just trying to keep my breathing steady at this point.

"He fucking killed my mom, right in front of me Ella, I just fucking lost it and lunged at him." I felt myself falling into the memory. "When the cops got there, they pulled me off of him. He had long been dead, but I was still stabbing him." I knew I was completely unhinging, bordering on hysterical. "So much blood." I whispered.

She moved to comfort me, but I pushed her away, and fought off my emotions. "Don't you see? It's all my fault." I picked up the can of beer with a shaky hand, and took a long sip.

"And now, Ian has to fucking deal with me, after both of our parents are dead because of me." I felt my heart growing impossibly tight with guilt, like it would just give out at any moment.

"You can't blame yourself." She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"I wish he had killed me instead of her." I said the words out loud for the first time, feeling as my protective shell fell back into place.

She shook her head slowly, tears falling down her cheeks. "Don't say that." She whispered, her voice hitching.

"Everyone would be better off." I shrugged, as the last of my hysteria faded. "He would be in jail, my mom would be alive, and Ian and Norah would be happy alone together."

"I wouldn't be." She mumbled, looking down as if she were embarassed, and using her sleeve to wipe the last of the tears from her face.

"What are you talking about? I'm a fucking asshole to you half of the time." I shook my head dissapprovingly at her.

"I don't care." She shrugged.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked rudely. "You like being treated like shit or something?"

"No, I just know that it's not the real you when you act like that." She looked me in the eye, a challenge.

"You're right." I nodded. "The real me is much nicer, and cuddlier than that. A fucking murderer."

"Just stop it." She yelled, causing me to jump, because she hardly ever raised her voice. "You can't make me not l- like you, okay?"

"I can try." I grunted, just as the apartment door opened.

Chapter Eleven

Ella


My heart was pounding so hard against my ribs, that I was certain they would fracture under the pressure. I was anxious, yes, but this was a completely different type of anxiety. After the kiss I hadn't been able to bring my heart back down to a normal speed. It was now last period and I was still all worked up over it. Everytime Jace so much as shifted his weight in the desk next to mine, I felt my heart try to leap from my chest in crazy unhealthy jolts. I was really kind of confused by my intense reaction to him, you would think that I wouldn't want anything to do with another guy after what happened with Brad, and I hadn't.

Until Jace.

I looked over at him, any girl could see that he was the most beautiful guy at this school hands down (Even though Ryan Weber would beg to differ), but that wasn't it. There was just something about Jace Parker that effected me in a way that no other guy ever had.

At first sight, you would think trouble. He just looks the part of the troubled teen boy, a badass if you will, but there was something pushed so deep inside of him, that came out at the strangest moments. It was like you could catch a glimpse of the real Jace, if you just got past all the swearing and the hard exterior. I thought back to when he had first seen my cuts, the look on his face, it was more than just shock or horror, and then it was gone. I wanted to know who that person was deep inside of him, the one he worked so hard to keep buried. I wanted to know what had made him how he was now.

I had to know.

"Pst." Jace signaled, looking at me from the corner of his eye, I leaned forward expectantly. He gestured toward the front of the room with the hand that had just been covering his mouth. What the hell? Was he telling me to pay attention? I was fighting the urge to snort at him when-

"Ms. Smith?" I jumped at the sound of my name and turned to face Mrs. Peterson, our english teacher. Every eyeball in the class was glued to me, well except for Jace's. He was just shaking his head seemingly amused by me.

"Yes, Mrs. Peterson?" I asked timidly, my voice cracking from either embarassment or lack of use.

"Please try to focus your attention up here." She said pointedly, while glancing over at Jace.

I wish everyone would stop looking at me.

"Sorry." I whispered, flushing insanely as I pushed myself even lower in my seat, gripping at my desk until my knuckles turned white.

After what seemed like an eternity the class had come to an end. As everyone got up around me I stayed slouched in my seat, exhausted by the events of the day. I was chewing on a particularly painful hang nail and letting my thoughts run rampid when I realized that Jace was staring at me from the doorway, waiting for me to get up.

Oh crap.

For some reason I found myself ridiculously nervous to approach him. I pulled myself out of my seat reluctantly, grabbing my backpack off the floor. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked slowly over to him, dragging my feet and chewing on my lip the whole way.

"What the hell was that about?" He asked.

I wasn't sure if he meant my slow approach, or the fact that I had been caught staring at him for half the class. I was pretty sure it was the latter though. I balled my hands into tight fists inside my pockets. If I hadn't picked up the habbit of biting my nails down to tiny stubs, I was sure my palms would have had little crescent shaped marks in them.

"Hey." He said, tugging on one of my sleeves as if to make me release my hands and answer him.

We were still standing in the doorway of the classroom, people pushing past us. "I want you to tell me something about yourself." I blurted out dumbly.

He looked at me quizically and shook his head as if to clear it. "What?"

I let my eyes dart around, and when I decided no one was paying attention I started. "It's just that you know everything about me, and I don't know the first thing about you."

He clenched his jaw. "You know everything you need to."

"What- nothing?" I said feeling a little angry now. He really knew some of the deepest darkest secrets I had, and I knew nothing about him. Well, except that he drank and swore like a sailor, and that he lived with his brother.

"Look Ella." He said my name with so much venom, it reminded me of the way he had acted the first day I met him. "I don't know if you realize this, but we are not in a relationship. I owe nothing to you, and quite frankly I don't give a fuck that you find it unfair that I know about all of your shit. That's your own damn fault." He lashed out at me, his voice full of anger.

I felt my eyes starting to sting, and I clenched my hands even tighter to will them away. "Fine." I said numbly, shrugging him off.

"Good." He snapped back. If I wasn't so upset, it would have been kind of comical, but instead of laughing I turned and ran away from him.

***



I locked myself up in my room as soon as I got home, telling my dad that I had a ton of homework. I had so many conflicting emotions. Mostly I wanted to cry, and scream, but I also found myself wanting to laugh. I couldn't believe how stupid I was for thinking that Jace and I could have any type of relationship, I obviously wasn't stable enough to even be friends. I could feel myself building up to a certain level of hysteria, and I decided one thing. I was never going to let another guy into my life again.

I don't need anyone. I though to myself as I dug frantically through my backpack for my weapon of choice.

***



After I made my first cut, it was like I couldn't stop, nothing else mattered at that point. I made fluid quick swipes with the blade of the scissors across my right arm. I usually never cut this arm, considering I was right handed and I found myself to be sloppy and unprecise when I used my left hand to cut. I didn't care at that moment, I was too far gone.

I don't know how much time had gone by when I finally felt what I was looking for, but I stared down at my arm where there were a variety of different sized wounds. Some were just welted angry scratches, while others were actually bleeding slices.

I smiled in satisfaction.







Jace

I sat at the counter that seperated the kitchen from the living room with my head in my hands. I had been sitting like that, with the phone laying on the counter top in between my elbows, just waiting since I had gotten home. I was hoping she would call, the weak part of me was anyway, the smaller stronger part of me was saying that this was for the best. I couldn't- no- I wouldn't let this girl get close enough to know me. I was not capable, or worthy of someone else's affection. Not to mention that this girl was so fragile, and I could barely keep myself from breaking. It didn't matter anyway, if she found out the truth about me then she would probably just write me off anyway. I was a murderer, and a horribly twisted person, but for some reason I just didn't want her to think so low of me.

"FUCK." I yelled slamming my fists on the table. Too bad Norah wasn't here to hear that one. Ian and her had gone out to dinner and a movie, so I had the house to myself.

Fucking lucky bastards.

I snatched the phone from the counter, and made my way down the hallway to my room. I went right for the new bottle of liquour, I had obtained it through a rather miserable man. I always knew how to find the people that would be happy enough for some extra cash, to buy alcohol for a minor. I pulled the full glass bottle from under my bed, this time I had gotten myself a nice bottle of Jack. I opened it and took a swig, feeling the burn as the firey liquid made its way down my throat and settled in my chest. With a slight smile on my face I walked over to my computer and brought up a playlist. Rage Against The Machine "Killing in the name" blared through the speakers, matching my mood perfecly.

***



I had already made a pretty good dent in the bottle of Jack, and I was feeling pretty fucking lousy about myself. I couldn't stop thinking about Ella, and how much of a fucking asshole I had been to her. She had been right to a point, I knew everything about her, and offered nothing about myself in return. Not to mention I kept fucking up, telling her I just wanted to be friends one minute, and kissing her the next.

I was sitting in the shitty chair that matched my shitty desk, and leaning back with my feet propped up on said desk. I had one arm over my face, while my other arm held the bottle of liquor in my lap. I thought about how nice it would be to just fucking hear her voice, and dropped my feet on the floor. The wheels of the chair protested, they were all wobbly and fucking retarded as I propelled myself closer to the desk clumsily, sloshing whiskey everywhere.

"Oops." I shrugged sucking some of the liquour off of my hand, and reaching for the phone.

I stared at the phone hesitantly, and then figured why the fuck not? I punched in her number and waited for her voice, and waited, and-

"Hello?" A man's voice answered me instead, her fucking dad.

"Wrong number." I grunted before hanging up.

I was such a fucking moron, what was I going to say if she had answered anyway? I let my head fall down on the desk rather roughly, I felt as though my thoughts were whirring around in my skull, the feeling was sickening. I was so drunk, and so fucking tired, I just needed to close my eyes.

***



I awoke screaming and thrashing. Why the fuck was I on the floor? The remnants of the dream still lingering on the edges of my mind, I had to force myself to remember that I was safe, that I was in Ian's apartment. I looked around me, shaking like a God damn leaf, and pulled myself up off the ground. Even though I knew I was fine, I still couldn't shake the image of my dad's bloody face from my mind. Sometimes I swore it was his way of coming back to fucking haunt me. I wondered if Ian and Norah were home yet, and just how fucking loud I was screaming, when Ian's voice rang out answering both of my questions.

"Woah, woah, what the hell's going on?" he flung my door open taking in the sight of me with a look of shock. I probably looked like a raging lunatic.

"Nightmare." I shrugged. Ian knew I sometimes had nightmares about that night.

"I thought they were getting better." He said in a quiet and pained voice, the thing about Ian is he was always putting people's feelings before his own. I mean the fact that he had taken me in after our parents died was nice enough in itself, especially when he had wanted Norah to move in so they could start their life together- as in alone. Add to that the fact that I was the monster that killed our father, he was just completely selfless. I mean, it's not like Ian was ever very fond of our father either, but he never despised him as much as I did. You see good ol' dad had always had a special place in his heart for me, beating on me day after day. Ian never knew how bad it had really been for me, because he had gotten the fuck out of there as soon as he could.

"Guess not." I shrugged trying to remain indifferent, but the truth was I was still pretty fucking shaken up.

"Have you been taking your meds?" He asked, sounding a little uncomfortable with the whole situation.

I just shrugged again hoping he would just fucking drop it. He stared at me a long time before saying anything, and when he finally spoke he surprised the shit out of me. "You're the only one who blames you, you have to forgive yourself." and then he patted me on the shoulder and left me sitting there alone, feeling even shittier than before.

Fucking Ian, always so damn selfless.

Chapter Ten

Ella


I awoke to the dreadful sound of my alarm clock, Monday morning had come too soon. I lay in bed and thought about the weekend, I had spent most of Saturday with Jace, and even though we had agreed to just be friends I felt my heart warm at the thought of him. Sunday on the other hand, was not quite as warm and fuzzy to recall, and all because my mother had called to 'check on me'. I hadn't heard from her since I moved, so it should have been nice to hear from her, but instead her call just solicited a horrible attack on my nerves.

She had kept asking me about what I was going to say at the hearing. I told her I didn't know yet, and this obviously was not the answer she was looking for. She then proceeded to tell me that Brad was telling everyone that I had made up everything about that night, her words causing me to tailspin out of control. In fact I had spiraled into such a panicked frenzy at this point that my dad actually took the phone from my hands, asking my mom not to call again unless she had something sensible to say. Needless to say, I had spent the rest of Sunday in a medicated fog.

"El?" My dad's voice came from outside my bedroom door, wiping away the last thoughts of my mother.

"Don't worry, I'm up." I answered throwing the blankets off of me and walking to the door. When I opened it I was greeted with his worried face.

"How are you feeling?" He asked uneasily, and I automatically felt guilty.

Yesterday when he had tried to get me to take my medication I had tweaked out. I had screamed at him like a nut case until I finally succumbed, snatching the bottle from his hand. I had taken the white pill, refusing the water he offered me to swallow it down, chewing on it viciously instead.

"I'm okay." I shrugged timidly, keeping my head down.

"Hey, chin up kiddo." He said pushing my chin up with his hand. "You're gonna get through this." He was staring at me with such confidence that I almost believed him. Almost.

I forced a smile and nodded once.

"Alright, hurry up and get ready." He looked at me sternly before adding. "We don't need you being late for school, especially where you left early Friday."

***



It felt damp in the cab of my dad's truck, damp and cold like my lingering mood. I stared down at my lap as he drove along. I found myself thinking about Jace, and I couldn't help the sudden pang of excitement I felt because I would be able to see him in just a few moments. Then I felt nervous, remembering how yesterday I had been too sedated to even call him, I had promised Saturday before leaving him that I would. I wondered if he was worried or angry with me.

When my dad finally came to a stop, parking in front of the school, I flung my door open hastily and jumped out. I spotted Jace immeadiately, he was leaning against the building with his eyes glued to the ground, I had to force myself not to call out to him. As I picked my backpack up off the floor of the truck, I caught my dad staring at me quizically.

"Don't want to be late." I laughed nervously, the sound of it was thin and crazed even to my ears. I flung my backpack over my shoulder and smiled at him shutting the door and waving goodbye. I forced myself to stay rooted in my spot until he was out of sight.

"Did you forget how to use a phone?" His voice cause me to jump, I hadn't heard him approaching, and he was now right behind me.

"Sorry." I said biting my lip. "I had a rough day yesterday." I shuddered involuntarily, and forced myself to look up at him.

"You had a rough day?" He asked sarcastically. "I paced around my room wondering if you fucking severed an artery or something." His harsh words caused me to cringe, his face automatically softened. "You're alright then?" He asked looking genuinely relieved.

"In a sense, yes." I said before thinking.

"What happened?" He asked reaching out for my arm, and dropping his hand before he even touched me.

"Nothing really, my mom called." I shrugged, hoping he would just let me leave it at that. I really didn't feel like relaying the information my mom gave me about Brad to him, nor did I think I could with out falling apart again.

He just nodded as if this explained everything, and then he was frowning. "You didn't-" He stopped and looked around before looking back at me with a pained expression.

"No, I didn't do anything." I said staring down at my sneakers, and feeling embarassed that my habbit was becoming a normal thing for us to discuss, as if we were speaking about the weather.

"Good." He said offering me one of his amazing smiles, he was absolutely gorgeous, I felt my chest pang with a ridiculous amount of want.

"Lets get to class." I tried to keep my voice steady, and void of any of emotion that would portray the want I was experiencing. "My dad will have my head if I'm late." I added.

He just snorted at that.

As we walked through the halls that led to chemistry class everyone stared and whispered. I felt myself starting to tremble, I moved closer to Jace and then he surprised me by putting his arm over my shoulders protectively. He also glared at our audience as he did this, but that didn't surprise me in the least.

"Don't mind them Ella." He squeezed me closer before continuing, the warmth of his body against mine causing me to almost moan out loud. "They're ignorant, they can't help but fucking stare." He was speaking loudly, as if announcing it to everyone instead of just speaking to me. I didn't care what he was saying, or who he was saying it to, because all that existed right now was the weight of his arm as it rested across my shoulders.

When we reached the chemistry lab he removed his arm, causing me to whimper embarassingly when he pulled away. He stared down at me then, and raised one eyebrow. I tried to smile at him and then walked in to the classroom.

***







Jace

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, putting my arm around her like that. Now there was a dull aching in my chest as she sat beside me, I felt a wanting so strong that it hurt. I could still smell the lingering scent of her on my sweatshirt, she smelled like fall, all apples and cinnamon.

Fuck.

I looked over at her but she was just staring at her hands where they rested on the table, and bouncing her leg up and down like she did so often during class. I studied her for a bit, taking in her features, because fuck was she beautiful. The fullness of her lips, the shape of her jaw, her delicate neck, the pale creamy skin that stretched softly across her collar bones, against the stark contrast of her black shirt.

"Fuck." I said out loud this time before I could stop myself.

She jumped and looked at me. "What is it?"

"Nothing." I said lamely, and stared at Mr. Plant waiting for him to start today's lesson. Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking loathed chemistry?

***



I was just fucking glaring at the clock. Fucking move I urged the second hand. There were exactly thirty seconds until lunch,  until I could see Ella again. God, I was fucking pathetic counting down the seconds like this, but I hadn't seen her since first period this morning, not even a peek in the halls. I looked around impatiently, bouncing my leg up and down in anticipation.

-Fifteen seconds.

Chemistry had been a lot of silent groaning and stolen glances on my part. I watched as Ella wrote down notes, noticing how she would bite the end of her pen while she waited for the next bit of important information to be dispersed. It was as if she knew just how to drive me fucking crazy.

-Riiiiiing

Thank fucking God! I was up and out of my seat so fast, I was sure that everyone in the class thought I was completely out of my mind. Either that or really fucking hungry, but I'm betting on the prior assesment. I continued weaving quickly around people in the hall with only one thing on my mind. That's when I crashed into something, or shall I say someone solid.

Fucking Ryan Weber.

Will this douche never fail to fucking piss me off? I grunted from the impact and clenched my jaw as I pushed past him, not really in the mood for a conflict today. Ryan, of course didn't feel the same.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" He asked in a taunting voice. I decided to just fucking ignore him and keep walking, having no such luck as he continued talking. "Did you hear your crazy lunatic bitch had a mental breakdown today in the bathroom?" His words stopped me in my tracks, I swear even my heart stopped.

"What the fuck are you talking about Weber?" I choked on my words trying to remain calm, how could he possibly know that? Better yet, what would cause her to break down? She had told me that her mom called her yesterday, but she seemed okay this morning. I watched as Rachel Reynolds stepped forward, putting her arm around Ryan's waist and sneering at me.

"Rachel said she went into the bathroom after first period, and there that freaky little bitch was, completely throwing a fit." The way Ryan was talking about this so casually made something inside of me snap. I tried to stay calm, really I did, but I just fucking lost it.

"You're gonna keep your fucking mouth shut where Ella is concerned." I hissed grabbing him by the collar of his pansy-ass shirt, slamming him hard against the lockers, and soliciting a startled cry from Rachel. "Both of you." I warned, shooting them each a menacing look

"What Parker? You don't want the whole school to know about your crazy-ass girlfriend?" He paused just to look at me. "News flash, everyone notices something isn't right with her!" He was laughing now, he was lucky I was too worried about Ella at that moment to do anything else but find her.

"I'll deal with you later." I paused to let the words fully sink in. "And that's a fucking promise." I snarled, letting go of his shirt roughly. I took off down the hall in an even more frantic search for Ella than before.

When I got to the cafeteria, I scanned the crowd hastily, until my eyes landed on her. She was sitting at the table I usually occupied, with her head slumped down. I felt as if my heart were being crushed, I walked over to her quickly. She just stared down at the table top for a long time before looking at me.

"What happened?" I asked gently, taking the seat next to her.

"I don't want to talk about it." She was talking so softly that I had to strain to hear her.

"Come on, we're going for a walk." I said, and when she didn't respond immeadiately I held my hand out to her. She looked at my hand as if mulling something over, and then clasped it.

We walked on with me leading the way, I knew exactly where we could go to get away from all the drama. There was a spot outside where I sometimes spent lunch period, especially when I wanted to be alone. I kept walking dragging her along with me, until we were behind a small shed like structure beside the school.

"What is this place?" Ella asked, curiosity getting the best of her, making her sound a bit less distraught.

"I'm guessing it was a custodian shed of some sort." I shrugged. "Nobody ever uses it now."

She nodded biting at her lip and pulling her arms around herself.

"Now, what happened this morning?" I asked, feeling really nervous that I may have caused this breakdown with the whole arm around the shoulders bit. What the fuck was I thinking? I had just told her Saturday that we couldn't be more than friends, but I couldn't control myself when all those people were staring us down. I felt like I had to protect her.

"It's nothing." She shrugged.

"Listen, I need to know if it-" I stopped, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Fuck, I just need to know that I didn't upset you."

"What?" She asked, her eyes widening. "No, its nothing you did Jace." She shook her head looking more upset now.

"What's going on with you then? Tell me, I want to help you Ella." I felt like I would go absolutely crazy if she didn't tell me what had gotten her so upset. I found myself hating her mom again, because I knew it was something she had said to her. Ella had said this morning that she had a rough day because her mom called.

"It's Brad." She blurted and tears formed in her eyes. Wait, now I was confused. Who the fuck was Brad, and why did I feel something that could only be described as jealousy?

"He's denying the whole thing." She sobbed, bringing me back to my senses.

Of course, Brad was her ex-boyfriend. Now the jealousy was gone, and replaced with complete rage. I often thought about finding her ex and beating the shit out of him, now I had a name to go with this little day-dream of mine. I watched as Ella sobbed painfully, I couldn't refrain any longer. I pulled her to me, crushing her against me, and letting her sob into my shirt until she let it all out and fell silent.

She sniffled a few times and then looked up at me. "Sorry." She squeaked.

I stared down at her then, and something happened. It was like I had no fucking control of my body. I leaned forward slowly smelling her cinnamon breath as it hit my face in warm bursts, and feeling her chest rise and fall against mine, I brushed my lips lightly against hers. She whimpered, and I pulled away immeadiately because this was so fucked up, I shouldn't be fucking kissing her.

"Sorry." I grunted, because it was my turn to be apologizing.

"No, I liked it." She looked at me blushing now.

I felt myself starting to smile, but I got a hold of that shit quick. What the fuck is wrong with you Jace? I was screaming at myself mentally, but physically I just wanted to say 'fuck it' , and continue on kissing her.

"It won't be happening again." I said firmly, more to myself than her.

I couldn't risk fucking her up more than she already was, and I knew if I kept this up I would somehow. I knew I could never have a relationship, I wasn't stable or even worthy of such a thing, I was so fucking stupid for kissing her.

She looked down at the ground and kicked at a rock disappointedly.

"We better go, you're going to be late." I said ending the discussion of kissing completely.

Chapter Nine

Ella


The next morning I awoke with the sun, and even though it was really early I decided to hop in the shower. I figured I would just get ready right away and maybe do some of my homework before I met up with Jace.

I stepped out of the shower looking down at my naked form and sighing. I studied the marred skin of my arm, letting my eyes travel down to the vicious scab that was forming on my stomach, and then finally taking in the gash on my calf. There was only one word that came to mind -hideous.

I was disgusting.

I sighed and wrapped myself in a towel, gathering my discarded pajamas and walking into my bedroom with tears in my eyes. Why did I start doing this again? Would I ever be able to stop? No, I didn't think I would be able to, because right now I was seriously contimplating grabbing my scissors to erase the pain of it all. Quite the contradiction.

I hated myself.

After ten more minutes of self-loathing I scraped myself up off the ground and moved to my closet to pick out something to wear. I settled for my usual outfit of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

Once I was dressed I dragged myself over to my mirror and stared at the haunted girl who had become a complete stranger to me. I combed my hair and decided to just let it dry naturally like I always did, and I didn't even own makeup anymore, so basically I looked like my usual glum self, and definitely not good enough to be with Jace Parker.

"Gross." I whispered staring down my reflection with disgust.

***



I made breakfast for my dad and me, and after we finished eating I did the dishes. I wanted to make sure he was extra happy with me this morning, just in case he was having second thoughts about me going into town. Once the dishes were done, and my dad was sitting comfortably in front of the TV, I got started on the gratuitous amount of homework I had. It was about eleven thirty when I finally finished up.

I walked over to where my dad was lounging, and stepped in front of the television blocking his view and stealing his attention. "So, you don't mind me going to the center right?- and I can use your truck?" I asked timidly, praying that he hadn't changed his mind about me going.

"No, not at all." He smiled. "Will you be home for dinner?" He asked looking concerned for some reason.

"Um, I don't know- I could call you." I added the last bit about calling because he looked so worried.

"Just make sure you feed yourself Ella!" I went to say something but before I could get a word out he stopped me. "You barely ate breakfast, and it's almost lunch time" He said sternly and then his voice softened. "You're worrying me, you really can't afford to lose anymore weight."

I just nodded because I really didn't know what to say, and he was right. It's not that I wanted to lose weight, in fact I thought I was starting to look like a walking corpse, but a lot of times I couldn't even stomach the thought of food.

"Here." He got up and pulled his wallet out. "Take this, get yourself some lunch." He said handing me a twenty.

"Dad, I don't need that!" I argued, but he just raised a brow at me. "Well, twenty is way too much, I'm not going to spend this much on lunch." I said crossing my arms.

"Well use the extra for dinner if you're still out doing your- uh- shopping." He shrugged and plopped back down in his spot on the sofa.

"Thank you dad." I said and headed out the door quickly before he could see the tears in my eyes. He was always looking out for me, and I was always worrying him with all of my problems.

***



I pulled up in front of the bookstore that I had gone to with Jace yesterday, and parked the truck with a new kind of anxiety brewing inside of me. I had a feeling what (or should I say who) was causing this excitement in me, but I pushed it far into the back of my mind where I kept all the thoughts and feelings I wasn't allowed to have.

I stepped out of the truck, it was absolutely beautiful out. I wished I could roll up my sleeves and feel the cool breeze on my skin, but that was obviously not an option. I walked with my head down and my arms around my waist protectively as I weaved around people. It was extremely crowded here today, nothing like yesterday's empty sidewalk. I had to force myself to remain calm as I felt the stares from the people around me.

Sometimes when I was in a large crowd I would let my thoughts run rampid, and I would start to wonder where Brad was at that very moment. I would wonder if he would ever try to find me, and then I would get all flighty and paranoid, looking over my shoulder every five seconds and quickening my pace as if he were right behind me. I really didn't want to do the whole crazy paranoid girl routine today, so I tried to force all thoughts of Brad from my mind, and kept my pace gruelingly slow. I couldn't let him get to me like this anymore, he already screwed me up beyond repair, I had to stop letting him effect my every move.

I could feel my hands starting to tremble as I thought about the hearing, I would have to face him again soon enough. I pulled my hands instinctively up to my face and leaned against the wall of the bookstore. "I can't do this." I mumbled into my fingertips.

"Can't do what?" The familiar husky voice I had become so fond of interrupted my mini episode.

I don't know what came over me then, but as soon as I made eye-contact with him I threw my arms around him. He froze immeadiately, and I pulled back quickly as if the contact had burned me, shrinking back against the wall feeling more than a little weirded out. What the hell was I doing? I had a feeling I broke some unwritten rule between us, like we weren't supposed to touch- ever, well accept maybe when he was inspecting my wounds.

"Uh, so I figured we could get some lunch or something." He said scratching the back of his neck.

I just stared at him, my face still warm from the embarassment of throwing myself at him.

"Are you hungry?" He asked staring at me in a strange way, I think I really messed up hugging him like that, because he seemed freaked out.

"Um, not really." I whispered looking around us at all the people walking by.

"Fuck Ella." I jumped at his words, crap he was not happy with me.

"Look, I'm sorry I hugged you like that I don't know what came over me." I spoke quickly, my face flaming at this point.

"What?" He asked sounding annoyed at first, and then he chuckled lowly. "No, It's just- why am I not surprised that you're not hungry?" He asked looking unnecessarily upset.

"Oh." I said dumbly, and pulled my arms tightly around my torso.

"You're destroying yourself." He said, his eyes burning into mine with such intensity that I couldn't help but shiver.

"Like you can talk." I whispered still holding his gaze.

He snorted at me, causing me to frown.

"You drank yourself stupid for the past couple of days." I reminded him, as I recalled the sound of smashing glass through the phone last night. "Did you miss the day in health class when they taught everyone about alcoholism? You're destroying yours-"

"DON'T." He snarled causing me to wince.

"I- I'm- " I wanted to apologize immeadiately, and I didn't know why. I just knew that for some reason what I said had offended him horribly.

"It's fine." He cut me off, his jaw clenching as if to contradict that statement.

I bit my lip nervously and stared at my sneakers, I hadn't known that I was going to cry, until I saw my shoelaces as if I were looking at them through a glass of water.

***







Jace

Shit. I watched as a tear ran down her face slowly, and plopped to the ground. "Don't cry, it's fine." I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but I still wasn't quite sure how she would react. I had been so surprised by the physical contact earlier, but I wasn't taking my chances and upsetting her further. Not to mention that just a simple hug from this girl had me hard. I was such a fuck up.

She looked up at me "What happened to you Jace?" She asked quietly.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I just drank a little too much lastnight." I shrugged and smirked at her like the ass I was. I wasn't fucking ready to talk about any of my shit with her, and I didn't know if I would ever really be able to share that piece of my life with anyone.

"No, I mean what happened to you in the past." She corrected timidly.

Damn it. "I knew what you fucking meant." I grunted and looked away from her quickly.

"I'm sorry, I'm just doing everything wrong today." She whispered.

I looked up at her now, and studied her face. She was staring at her damn sneakers again. I hated when she averted her gaze like that, so I figured- fuck it- and grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. "You're not doing anything wrong, I'm the one who's all fucked up today."

She let out a small shaky breath, it smelled like cinnamon when it hit my face. "Fuck." I cursed under my breath keeping my eyes locked on hers. "Ella?" I asked softly.

"Yeah?" She answered breathily, staring at me through half opened eyes.

I moved in closer, hoping that she was okay with what I was about to do. I was mere centimeters from her face when- "Jace?"

"Norah." I groaned pulling away from Ella reluctantly, I swear to God I found myself wanting more and more to just tell Norah to fuck off.

"What are you doing here-" She asked and then turned her attention to Ella, who was blushing like fucking crazy now.

"I have to do some shopping." I said, but the way I said it sounded more like 'mind your own fucking business'

"Oh." She answered lamely and continued just fucking staring at Ella, what the fuck was her problem? Couldn't she see how uncomfortable she was making her? Finally she snapped out of her fucking trance and looked at me pointedly. I knew what she was trying to say with that look -'I thought you weren't involved with the new girl'

Well fuck her, it was none of her fucking business how I spent my free time.

"Well don't be rude Jace." Norah spoke out startling me, I wondered if I had been saying my thoughts out loud, considering the filter between my brain and mouth didn't always work so well, it was definitely possible. She rolled her eyes at my obvious confusion and let out a sigh. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"

I looked over at Ella, who was now staring at me and chewing on her lip to the point I was sure she would draw blood. Norah was standing in front of us with her arms crossed, just smirking at me smugly.

"Norah, this is Ella." I said gesturing to Ella. "And Ella, this is Norah."

"Hi!" Norah chirped perkily, causing Ella to pull her arms tighter around herself. I couldn't help but be a little fucking annoyed with how uncomfortable Norah was making her.

"Yeah, yeah- hi- well, we gotta go." I said cutting her off before she could terrorize Ella any further with her overly cheery demeanor. I mean don't get me fucking wrong, Norah was usually cool, but I had to get the fuck out of there.

"Alright, I'll see you later-" Then she paused as if in thought. "Hey! Why don't you have Ella come over for dinner tonight?"

"Uh-" I didn't know what the fuck to do, for some reason I didn't think this was a good idea. I looked over at Ella for help, but what I saw there was a look of hurt.

"I gotta go." Ella said with out warning. "It was great meeting you." She nodded to Norah and started to walk down the sidewalk.

What the fuck was happening? "What the Fuck?" I hissed, causing Norah to cringe involuntarily.

"Let me ask you something Einstein" She said in a smartass voice that seemed to be reserved for only talking me.

"What?" I snapped not in the mood for her shit right now, I was already losing sight of Ella in the crowd.

"Did you tell Ella I was Ian's girlfriend?" She asked confusing the shit out of me.

"I really don't think she gives a shit that you're Ian's girlfriend." I growled.

"Oh really?" She asked crossing her arms matter of factly.

I glared at her, my patience wearing thin.

"Yeah you're probably right." She nodded before tapping me on the head. "But I bet she cares whether or not I'm your girlfriend."

FUCK.

I didn't even wait to say anything to Norah, I took off down the sidewalk like a mad man. I slammed through people left and right, receiving quite a few dirty looks. One guy in a business suit even stopped as if to say something to me, but when he took in my crazed expression he thought better of it. I finally saw her long brown hair, and I just fucking sprinted to her side grabbing her arm to stop her.

"Get off." She sobbed jumping a mile.

"Sorry-" I leaned forward, resting my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. "Norah- Norah-" I was fucking weezing like an eighty year old chain smoking man. She just squinted her eyes at me and shook her head.

She turned around quickly and started to walk away from me again.

"She's Ian's girlfriend." I finally blurted.

I watched as she slowed her step, coming to a complete stop. I stared at the back of her head, and found my eyes traveling down her back and down to her- Fuck, I had to get a grip on my thoughts.

"I'm not an asshole." I said, breathing a bit easier now that she seemed to be listening. "Well, not a complete asshole anyway." I laughed with out humor, she turned and looked at me quizically. "Okay, okay. I'm a complete asshole!" I shrugged, praying that she wouldn't walk away. Why did I care so much about what this girl fucking thought, or how she felt? I was afraid to answer my own questions.

She spoke after what seemed like forever. "She's your brother's girlfriend?"

I nodded slowly, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"I think we need to talk." She said abruptly, causing me to feel just a little fucking nervous.

"Uh- okay." I shrugged, but I was definitely weirded out. We weren't even in a relationship and she was saying the words 'we need to talk'

"Jace, I- I- " She stuttered before staring at me. "I like you." She said, and before I could interrupt her she continued. "Like, I really like you."

I stared at her then and knew that I was screwed. "I like you too." I whispered.

She smiled so brightly that I wanted to keep it at that. She looked so fucking beautiful when she smiled like that, it was a rare sight, but I couldn't let her believe we could actually go anywhere with this.

"And that's precisely why we can't be anything more than friends." I watched as her smile dimmed slowly and then completely burned out.

Then she tried to force the smile back on her face, forming more of a grimace. "Fine, friends then." She nodded.

"Alright." I said nodding in return, but kicking myself mentally.

We spent the rest of the day going into all the little shops on the strip, and then we stopped to get a late lunch. Ella mostly picked at her food while I ate, and we didn't mention anything more about our conversation from earlier, or our weird encounter before Norah had interrupted us. I watched as she moved her food around the plate with her fork.

God, she was fucking gorgeous.

When exactly had this gone from me being stuck with her problem, to me wanting to be with her? What the fuck was I going to do? Because at the rate things were going I was falling too hard and too fast, and that just wasn't good, for either of us.

Chapter Eight

Jace

"Shit." I looked down at Ella and tried to quickly come up with a plan. "Alright, don't panic."

She just stared at me with her huge hazel eyes and chewed on her bottom lip nervously. Fuck, that was distracting. I tore my gaze from her mouth and tried to assemble my thoughts.

"Well, you might as well say it, I'm screwed." She said finally, looking defeated.

"What's the worst that could happen?" I asked lightly trying to make it seem like no big deal.

She wore a look of sheer terror on her face. "He could send me back to live with my mom."

Shit, I couldn't let that happen, for some fucking reason that wasn't even clear to me, I just couldn't.

"I need to be on my best behavior, that was the deal for me to come live with him." She seemed on the verge of full blown panic. "If I act out, or don't seem to be getting better then I will end up back with my mom, and she will probably just stick me in another group home because she doesn't know how to handle my anxiety." She looked lost in a memory for a moment before snapping out of it.

Wait, another group home? -and why the fuck did her mom think she had to handle Ella's anxiety? It was something Ella had to deal with, not her. It seemed like maybe her mom just didn't want to be bothered by any of it, as if Ella's problems were a burden she could pass off to someone else. I automatically disliked the bitch.

I waited until she stopped darting her eyes around and focused on me before talking again. "Well what if I distract him by talking to him, and you sneak around and make it look like you came from the school." It was a long shot, but maybe by some act of faith it would fucking work. She just stared at me doubtfully, still chewing on her plump soft lip- FUCK. I needed to get a hold of myself, I was losing it.

"I don't know Jace, maybe I'll just tell him I left school by myself. I mean, how could he know I was with you?" She looked at me apologetically, and now I understood her aguish. It wasn't the skipping school part her dad would be mad about so much, it would be because she was with me.

"Oh." I said feeling like a dumbass.

"You can't blame him for worrying, especially with what happened with the last guy I was alone with. He  just doesn't want me to get hurt, and he's probably thinking that he will just be stuck picking up the pieces when I completely break." She took a shaky breath and continued. "Plus, you don't have the best reputation, you know?"

"Well, I guess I'll see you around then." I regraded her icly as I backed away nodding, because call me weak but that shit pissed me off more than a little. Her dad didn't know me from any other kid out there, and even though I was a messed up fucker I was still probably better for his daughter than any other douche bag at our school. He just made his assumption because he knew I had a record, hell the whole fucking town knew I had a record, but nobody knew the real story accept for me and Ian.

"Can I call you at all over the weekend?" She asked shyly.

I just nodded in reply and watched as she turned to leave, then something just fucking came over me "Wait!" I shouted startling her.

"Yeah?" She asked looking puzzled because I was just fucking staring at her like a complete moron now.

"Maybe you could make up something you can tell your dad you have to do tomorrow, and we could meet here and just hang out or some shit." I shrugged hoping she wouldn't see just how fucking hopeful I was that she would want to hang out with me.

Her face broke into a smile as she nodded, and then her smile quickly faded. "If I'm not grounded that is."

I frowned too and kicked at the ground for a second.

"Well I should really go." She said sourly.

"Hey do me a favor?" I asked. She cocked her head to the side waiting for me to continue. "Just don't fucking rip your skin off okay?"

She bit her lip and looked around nervously to see if anyone was close enough to hear me. "I can't promise anything." She whispered.

"So, just fucking call me if you feel like you're going to." I offered shoving my hands in my pockets to keep from pulling her bottom lip from between her teeth, I constantly found myself wanting to fucking touch her. I wondered what she would do if I just pulled her to me and kissed her, but I quickly extinguished that thought because there was no way I was going to fuck this all up by attacking her like a horny teenaged bastard.

Ella had been raped, and I was sure she would be pretty damn uncomfortable with a move that bold, I would have to start slow- fuck what was I talking about? I couldn't have a relationship with this girl, or any other girl for that matter. I wasn't a normal teenage boy, I was a murderer, and I'm pretty fucking sure murderers don't get to think about kissing girls and other normal teenage shit.

"Have a good weekend Ella." I said through clenched teeth and turned away from her. I just walked away then, leaving her standing there alone, and most likely confused by my mood swing.

***



"God you're always so damn mopey." Ian taunted me as he sat beside me on the couch eating some sort of healthy rice shit that Norah had made.

"Fuck off." I grumbled and continued flicking through the channels ignoring him. There was never anything good on, five hundred million channels, and not a God damn thing to watch.

"Woah, whats eating you?" He asked while raising an eyebrow at me and shoveling the weird ass rice into his mouth.

The front door flew open to a very bright and cheery Norah. "Hey guys!" She greeted us as she walked in tossing her car keys on the kitchen counter

"Will you tell your man to find a fucking hobby or something, because he has been sitting and staring at me for the past hour." Norah flinched at my use of the word 'fucking', she hated swearing, Ian shot me a warning glare. "Sorry." I mumbled moving my ass off the couch and heading to my bedroom, I hoped I had some Vodka left.

"Hey, Jace wait!" She called me back.

"What's up?" I asked skeptically, she had said she wouldn't tell Ian about my little afternoon adventure. Let's hope she wasn't fucking lying.

"You know Mr. Smith, the electrician? Well he came in to install a new light fixture for the book store today." I stared at her waiting for her to continue, and not finding this the least bit fucking cute. Was she hinting at something? Seeming to sense my discomfort she went on "Well, anyways to make a long story short I guess his daughter just started at your school. Ella Smith." She said raising her eyebrows at me and wearing a smug smile. What the fuck was she getting at?

"So?" I asked feeling a little nervous.

"So, have you met her?" She asked knowing damn fucking well that I had met her, because I had been at the book store with her just hours ago. Sometimes I could be a little fucking paranoid though, maybe she didn't know that it was Ella I was with.

"Yeah." I answered and then clenched my jaw, I could see Ian from the corner of my eye. He looked confused by the smaller private conversation Norah and I seemed to be having with in the big conversation.

"I heard she went crazy after being raped, and that her mom didn't know how to deal with her so she had to move in with her dad." He said from his spot on the couch scraping up the last of the rice concoction, he shoveled it in his mouth hastily and then stared at me. "What?" He asked looking confused, I bet I looked like I wanted to punch him in the face, but really I wanted to fucking drop kick him.

Why did it always have to come down to violence with me?

Norah just stood there staring at me wide-eyed, she had wanted me to give away what I was doing with the new girl, and boy did my reaction say a lot. Now she knew that something was going on between us, even if I wasn't even quite sure what that was.

"Shut the fuck up Ian, you don't know shit." I spat and stormed off.

"What the fuck is his problem?" Ian asked loudly.

"Stop cussing!" Norah hissed at him, and then I could feel her hot on my heels.

***



Norah sat next to me on the edge of my bed, apparently I was right and she did know that it was Ella with me in the bookstore today. She had lived in this small shitty town way longer than Ian and I had, and she knew everyone here. That's the thing about small towns, everyone knows about everbody else's shit, and if you're new you stick out like a sore fucking thumb, especially if you had a reputation worth talking about. I would know because I have been the new kid as well. I only got here a week before Ella arrived, and I had seemed to be the choice topic of discussion for that first week..

Anyway, Norah asked me what I knew about the girl that everybody seemed to be talking about, and I really just wanted to tell her to fuck off. Seeing as that would just upset Ian more, and I was already on some pretty thin fucking ice, I just took a deep breath and lied instead.

"I don't really know much about her, she just offered to skip with me." I shrugged feigning indifference.

"Oh." She said and then frowned at me. "Well just be careful with her, she has a dark past."

I just snorted because I'm sure she knew about some of my shit from talking to Ian. Who the fuck did she think she was, talking to me about a dark past?

"I'm serious Jace, she even had to spend some time hospitalized."

I had to force myself to swallow because my esophagus was constricting and threatening to choke me.

"I just don't want either of you to get hurt." She said pointedly and then ruffled my hair before walking away.

"We just skipped school, no one's going to get hurt." I said as she was stepping out of my room. I said it like Ella meant nothing to me, when in reality I couldn't stop fucking thinking about her.

***







Ella

My dad had been waiting for me, and he saw me coming from the opposite direction of the school. When he asked me about where I was, and found out I hadn't gone to my afternoon classes he didn't seem too happy. He let it go when I told him I had a rough week and just needed to get away from everybody. He still scolded me, and said that this was not to become a habbit, but for the most part I got off scotch free. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I had received the letter for the hearing this week, he probably knew I was stressed out so he let it slide.

Now we were sitting at the dinner table. We had been trying painfully to make conversation, but really neither of us were that into it so we settled for a comfortable silence. I was moving most of my meal around my plate instead of eating it, and then I just decided to take the dive and ask him about tomorrow.

"Hey dad, I wanted to go to the bookstore in the center of town tomorrow, and maybe do some shopping on the strip." I said, excluding the part about meeting Jace but telling the truth otherwise.

"Oh." He said and then looked as if he were remembering something. "Uh, did you want me to go with you?" He asked sounding wary.

"Nah, I'll probably just be shopping and other boring girly stuff." I shrugged praying that he would decide that this was reason enough to just let me go alone.

"Oh okay." He nodded looking relieved. I had to stifle the urge to laugh at his obvious discomfort at the thoughts of shopping.

I just hoped Jace would still want to see me. For some reason I felt almost like a normal girl when I was with him, well accept for when he was yelling at me about cutting, because that was so far from normal its not even funny. I was staring into my plate of spaghetti and frowning at that last thought when my dad's voice startled me back to reality.

"You hardly eat anymore." He said frowning now too.

"What are you talking about? Sure I do!" I said defensively, even though he was right. I barely had an appetite anymore, and the looseness of my pants could prove it.

"El, how have you been feeling since receiving the court summons?" He asked gently.

"Great." I forced myself to smile so hard that it hurt.

He was staring at me hard now. "No more panic-attacks?"

"Dad, I said I'm fine." I snapped shoving a mouthful of spaghetti into my mouth just to prove it.

"Alright, but I'm here if you need me kiddo." He said softly picking up his plate and bringing it to the sink. Now I felt like a bitch for snapping at him.

"Thanks dad." I said emptying the rest of my plate in the trash, because in reality there was no way I could eat all of it, I felt sick to my stomach already.

***



Once I was alone in my room I dialed Jace's number and then hung up quickly before anyone could answer. Maybe I was being stupid, nothing good could come of this. I needed to just go back to keeping to myself, and maybe he could just forget he ever saw anything and let me have my clutch. Just me and my scissors, that's all I needed. He had even said that he wanted out, that he didn't want to deal with this. I licked my dry lips hastily and eyeballed my backpack. I could totally handle this, I was fine.

I don't need to do it right now. I told myself

I dressed in my pajamas and hopped into bed. It was only nine o'clock, but I was so tired I gave into my exhaustion falling into sleep quick and hard, only to awaken two hours later with my heart pounding in my chest. I sat up quickly and tried to catch my breath, but it was no use I just couldn't breathe. I tried to pull the covers off me with shaky hands and felt like I was still stuck in some sort of dreaming state.

I finally got myself out of the bed and was even contimplating waking my dad. I really felt like I was either going completely insane, or having some sort of heart attack. I settled for crouching on the floor and gasping for air until it passed.

I wasn't sure how long it went on for, but once I could breathe with out feeling like my heart was failing I got up and reached for the phone. Hands shaking and my body covered in a sheen sweat, I dialed Jace's number for the second time tonight.

"Hello?" He answered sounding concerned.

"Hey- I- I." I wanted to say I need you, but that sounded a little too intense so I settled for "I need your help."

"Whats going on?" He asked, he sounded weird.

"I just, I get really bad panic attacks since-" I stopped midsentence knowing he would get what I was trying to say.

I could hear him fumbling with something through the phone, and then he mumbled something that sounded like "Fuck." which was very possible, considering it was Jace.

"What are you doing?" I asked, curiousity getting the better of me.

"Nothing- so you had a panic attack?" He deflected.

"Yes." I shivered violently, the remnants of the attack still causing me to tremble.

"What are you doing now?" He asked.

"I asked you first." I pointed out.

"Ella just tell me what the fuck you're doing." He snapped causing me to wince, and then I realized why he sounded so angry. He thought I was cutting myself, or that I had already.

"I'm just sitting here talking to you." I answered softly and then with out thinking I said "For some reason you distract me. You make me feel normal- even though I'm obviously crazy."

There was another sound like he was struggling with something, and then glass smashing. "Shit!" He hissed.

"What was that?" I asked nervously.

"Fuck." He spat.

"Jace?" I had an idea what caused the sound.

"Look, meet me tomorrow at noon by the bookstore." He said, his words slurring a bit confirming my suspicion about what the smashing sound was. "I gotta go." He mumbled and then hung up.

Chapter Seven

Jace


So maybe I had taken it a little too fucking far this morning with the whole note thing. I remembered how upset she looked before fleeing the classroom, damn it I sucked. I really was just trying to do what was best for her, and for me. She might think she's damaged, but she had no fucking clue how beyond repair I was.

I continued on with my self-loathing thoughts as I took a swig off my "water" bottle, I had replaced the water with Vodka this morning. After a night of drinking and refusing to sleep it had seemed like a fucking brilliant idea. Except now, now I found myself slouched against the wall by the cafeteria feeling pretty fucking lonely, and even with this buzz I felt like shit. I couldn't go in and deal with all the ignorant ridiculous people, and I definitely couldn't see Ella. It was bad enough I was going to have to share last period with her, and I wasn't even going to have enough liquor to keep this buzz going.

Fuck.

I unscrewed the cap, giving up I poured the last of its contents down my throat, and enjoyed the burn as it passed through my esophagus and into my chest. I shivered and threw the empty water bottle back into my bag.

"Hey Jace!"

I jumped at the sound of the female voice, and realized before even turning to look that it wasn't Ella's voice. It was too high-pitched and forced to be her, plus she probably fucking despised me by now.

Good.

I turned and was greeted by a smiling Rachel Reynolds, her excessive amounts of perfume and cleavage right in my face. She smelled as if a fucking perfume factory had exploded, it was overpowering, and quite frankly it was giving me a fucking headache. She must have mistaken my staring as a good sign because she reached out and touched my arm giggling.

"Don't." I barked pulling my arm away from her, just as Ella was walking by.

"Hey Ella." Rachel said in a taunting voice, causing her to look at first Rachel and then me. I've never wanted to punch a girl as much as I wanted to punch Rachel right then.

I looked over at Ella to try to put into my facial expression what I couldn't put into words, that I wasn't interested in this fucking whorebag. Thats when I noticed the red mark on her face.

"What the fuck." I growled and stomped, well more like I stumbled over to her because to be quite fucking honest I may have overdone it with the Vodka. "What the fuck happened to your face?" I asked reaching for her cheek slowly as she slapped my hand away.

"Don't touch me." She said firmly.

I pulled my hand back as if she had bitten me, and watched as she turned away from me and disappeared into the sea of faces in the lunch room. I was feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself by now. I stared down at my shoes and watched as they seemed to whirl from side to side underneath me.

Fuck.

"Hey, I can make you feel better." Rachel's whiney voice cut through my hazey thoughts bringing me back to earth. Jesus, why the fuck was this girl still here? Couldn't she take a fucking hint?

"Somehow, I really doubt that." I said as coldly as I could and left her standing there. Honestly I think if I stayed another minute I was going to have more than words with Rachel Reynolds, because for some reason I knew she was responsible for the red mark on Ella's face.

I continued stumbling down the hall until I found a spot that seemed like a good place to rest, and then I was out.

***



I awoke to someone pulling on my arm, and shaking me roughly. "Jace, damn it- get up!"

"Fuck off Ian." I mumbled before realizing where I was.

A small snort came from above me. "Usually you don't call me Ian, but the fuck off part sounds about right." She snarked.

I looked up into the most amazing fucking hazel eyes and felt so relieved that she was speaking to me. God, I was one indecisive bastard. This situation was just all sorts of fucked up.

"I should have just left you here passed out, what are you thinking drinking at school?" She hissed looking around her nervously.

I raised an eyebrow at her now. "Oh, but your way of coping is okay to do at school?"

"I give up!" She yelled throwing her hands in the air, and startling the shit out of me.

"What, what!?" I looked around feeling really anxious, now that she was talking to me I didn't want her to stop. "Relax, I was just joking. We're both seriously fucked up okay?"

"You're not fucked up, you just play the whole "bad boy" act." She said while making air quotations.

Now she had me fucking fuming. How dare she form opinions about me? She didn't know a damn thing about me, and so I told her so. "You don't know a damn thing about me."

"Well who's fault is that?" She spat at me.

God she was a mind fuck. What the hell were we even fucking arguing about? "WHAT?" I asked while shaking my head as if I could clear the jumbled thoughts inside.

"I said who's fault is that? You expected me to tell you everything about me because you accidently got involved in my stuff, but you never offered anything in return." She was blushing a little now, and I was just really fucking confused.

"Why do you care Ella?" I asked gently, because I was genuinely curious.

"I don't know." She looked completely and utterly exasperated, kind of how I've been feeling since she showed up here this week. "I don't know." She repeated looking frustrated. Then she just turned that shit around on me. "Why did you care so much about my problem?"

"You're hurting yourself." I said slowly, but I couldn't come up with a reason as to why I couldn't seem to get her out of my head. "And I still do care- about your problem" I added glumly.

"Why does it matter?" She asked carefully.

Boy was that a loaded question. "I don't know." I answered honestly.

"Okay." She said simply, pursing her lips and looking anywhere but at me.







Ella

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Why was I blabbering on like a moron exposing myself again?Finding him passed out after lunch period had scared me, so I broke down and woke him up. I had vowed not to talk to him, and now instead of ignoring him I just basically informed him that I had an interest in him. Damn it! I mean, who wouldn't have an interest in him? He must know that he is amazingly good looking, and girls always tend to fall for the whole rebellious and mysterious thing right?

I couldn't believe I was turning into one of those stupid girls, especially after last summer. But I wasn't shallow like Rachel, there was something hiding under his exterior that drew me to him. When I looked into Jace Parker's eyes I saw the same pain I often felt reflecting back at me, and sometimes I even watched him turn it off and go numb like I do as well.

"I better get my stuff for class." I blurted and turned away from him shakily, but he grabbed my arm stopping me.

"Wait." He whispered while gripping my shirt-sleeve lightly, I exhaled sharply as he pulled it up and stared at the damage I had done lastnight. He shook his head slowly and frowned at my arm. "Why?" He asked in a tone that sounded more hurt than necessary.

"I don't know." I shrugged pulling my sleeve down, thankful that he didn't know about my leg.

"These ones were because of me, because of last night." He said looking really upset now. "Or even this morning- this morning when you left chemistry." He was pacing now and pulling on his hair like a mad man. I was actually kind of concerned he was going to rip it out.

"None of them are anyone's fault but my own." I said honestly.

"Fuck." He swore loudly, causing people in the now full corridor to turn and stare at us, which only caused him to swear more. "What the fuck are you looking at?" He snarled at a group of nervous looking kids.

"Stop." I said grabbing his arm, and forcing him to look at me. "It's not your fault, I would have done it anyways."

"And what did that Rachel bitch do to your face?" He asked sounding impossibly more livid. "And don't try to feed me some bullshit story either." He warned glaring at me.

I glared back and crossed my arms. "It's nothing."

"Ella." He growled.

"Fine, I told her to fuck off." I said shrugging.

He made a sound between choking and laughing and looked at me. "You said 'fuck off'?" He sounded so humored by this, I didn't get why when he swore practically every other word..

"Yeah, and then she slapped me and told me to stay out of her way." I left out the whole part that the small feud had been somewhat about him. He was still chuckling a little until I mentioned the slap, then he was back to scowling.

"You know, you look so much nicer when you smile." I blurted, I was definitely going to call up the makers of Pepto-bismol and ask them if they had a formula for diarrhea of the mouth.

He smiled crookedly at me now, and I just nodded in response.

Then he surprised me further by stepping closer to me. "Skip the rest of the day with me?" He asked looking like he would give anything to just get out of here.

"Uh, I don't know Jace." I bit my bottom lip nervously.

"Right, I forgot." He said simply.

"Forgot what?" I asked feeling more nervous than necessary.

"You don't like being alone with guys." He whispered and I could feel his breath on my face he was so close. To be completely honest I hadn't even been worrying about the being alone part, I was too busy worrying what would happen if my dad found out that I had skipped, and with Jace on top of it.

I could still smell traces of alcohol on his breath, and then I remembered that he was probably still a little buzzed. "Jace." I whispered as he got even closer to me.

"Yeah?" He whispered in return, coming closer still.

"Excuse me." A short and chubby female teacher that I never saw before broke through the spell that seemed to be entwining us.

"What." Jace snapped looking really aggravated by the interruption.

"You two better get to class, you're lucky I don't give you detention."

"Okay." I shrugged and grabbed Jace's arm pulling him behind me before he could argue with the lady.

Once we rounded the corner I stopped and looked up at him. "Okay." I said.

"Huh?" He stared down at me obviously perplexed.

"I'll skip with you." I whispered anxiously as his face broke out into the most glorious smile.

***



We walked to a small ice-cream shop in the center of town, since neither of us had a car we figured this was the best place we could hang out that was close. Plus this way I could get back to the school before the last bell so my dad hopefully wouldn't notice the difference.

When we ordered Jace got a chocolate ice-cream cone, which I found hilarious to watch him eat, and I got a chocolate frappe. We walked down the small strip that made up the center of town and stopped at a small bookstore. When we went inside the girl behind the desk smiled and waved at Jace enthusiastically. To be honest I wasn't expecting this, especially where he had ice-cream dripping everywhere.

"Hey Norah!" He said through a mouthful of his waffle cone.

"Hey Jace." She looked over at me and smiled at him pointedly, looking a little too curious about me for my liking.

"I've got a whole stack of books waiting for you over there, and we just got a new shipment of journals in." The girl named Norah said before busying herself with what appeared to be paper work.

"Thanks!" He replied enthusiastically. He seemed so familiar with her that I felt like I shouldn't even be there, like I was imposing, and for some reason I found myself feeling unreasonably jealous.

The girl wasn't much older than us, and she was gorgeous. She had olive skin, and big brown eyes, her jet black hair was cut just above her shoulders and it fell in shaggy layers around her beautiful face. She also had a colorful tattoo of vines and flowers traveling up her right arm. Compared to this girl I was painfully plain. I found myself feeling ridiculously deflated, because this is the type of girl I could picture Jace Parker with.

After Jace made a few selections, and asked me several times if I was going to get anything, we made our way to the cash register. The annoyingly beautiful Norah rang us out and gave her opinion on each of his selections. They seemed to know so much about each other, and it was really frustrating me because Jace was still a mystery to me, an enigma of sorts. I guess I had figured he never let anyone into his little world.

She finally finished ringing him out, and as we were walking out the door she yelled out to him. "See you tonight!" Then she laughed a small and dainty laugh before adding. "And don't worry I won't tell Ian you skipped."

"Come on, I'll walk you back to the school." Jace offered as we stepped onto the pretty much deserted sidewalk.

"Who's Ian?" I asked remembering when I woke him up after lunch how he had called me by that name.

"Ian's my older brother." He said looking like the subject would be coming to an end soon.

"So like what? Does he tell on you a lot?" I asked trying to figure out why Norah would keep the fact that Jace had skipped from his own brother.

"No, Ian's my guardian." He said through gritted teeth, and I knew that the subject was now officialy closed.

"Oh." I said lamely, because that's all I could really come up with. Then I chewed on my lip trying to build up the courage to ask about Norah, but that question would have to wait because my dad was driving by us toward the school now. "Shit!" I hissed.

"What?" Jace looked at me shocked.

"That was just my dad's truck." I said feeling myself panic.

Chapter Six

Jace

I was so fucking pissed that she had done it again. I mean, I knew she was going to but- God damn it- but nothing! I was being a fucking idiot, I couldn't let this girl get to me like this. She was driving me completely insane.

We were sitting in our last period english class when I finally acknowledged her existence. It was the first time since lunch that I looked at her, and she just seemed so fucking hopeful and excited that I was going to speak to her.

Fuck.

I started scribbling something on a piece of notebook paper, and ripped it out with more force than completely necessary. I crumpled it into a ball as if it were trash and let it fall to the floor between us. She looked at me in confusion, and I answered her silent question with a nod of my head. Yes pick up the paper.

She picked it up with about the stealth of a blind and deaf ninja, Mrs. Peterson pounced right on that shit snatching it from Ella's small and fragile hand.

"No note passing." She chided us, and reserved most of her frowning for me. Fuck her.

"Sorry." Ella's timid voice shook as she slouched in her seat. Why did she always have to looks so vulnerable?

Mrs. Peterson smiled warmly at Ella. "Since it's a first offense for both of you, I will let it slide." Then she frowned at me disapprovingly before continuing with her lesson.

I sat in my seat clenching the desktop, feeling pretty fucking frustrated, and wishing I had a drink. For the remainder of the period I could feel Ella's eyes fixed on the side of my face, but I just ignored her, clenching and unclenching my jaw. She was probably scared that I had written something about her fucking secret, well fuck her.

I didn't write anything about the cutting, the only thing I had written on that piece of paper was I want out. I was basically giving her permission to brutally mutilate herself while I turned the other cheek. I didn't want to worry about her constantly, I wanted to be freed of this now before it got worse. I wanted out before she killed herself with her horrible habbit, or I killed myself trying to save her, because my heart couldn't break anymore ways, I wouldn't survive.

When the bell finally sounded I got up and just fucking ran out of the room. I knew I was acting like a douche, but I had to get the fuck away from this girl. I didn't even look behind me to see the shocked look that I knew she was wearing on her face.

When I got outside I could see Ella's father's truck. He was parked in his normal spot but today he was standing beside the old hunk of metal instead of sitting in it. I tried to walk by him with out acknowledging his presence, hoping maybe, just maybe he would think I didn't see him.

Nope, try again.

"Hey Jace." I heard him calling to me, I stopped abruptly and turned to him.

"Hey Mr. Smith." I mumbled and did the queerest fucking wave in the history of waves. God I was such a fucking douche today. He signaled for me to come over to him, and when I got close enough to hear him he started speaking immeadiately.

"Now listen to me, I don't know what you want with my daughter but she is not someone to just mess around with." I wanted to say something to stop him but he just kept going. "She is just getting over an extremely difficult time in her life, and she doesn't need some asshole coming and screwing that up for her."

Ok, I wanted to say Mr. Smith if your daughter is getting over it so well, then why the fuck is she ripping her skin off in the safety of your own home? But instead I just nodded accepting that I would never be fucking good enough for his daughter.

"Dad?" Ella's small voice interrupted our very much one sided conversation.

"Hey sweetheart, let's get going." He smiled at her, but she ignored him just focusing her attention on me.

"Jace, can I call you when I get home?" She asked shyly staring down at her sneakers now.

"That's probably not such a good idea." I said quietly while just fucking glaring at her dad.

She looked up at me now with pain in her eyes and nodded once in reponse before climbing into the truck. Her dad got in right after her. They drove off quickly leaving me standing in the empty parking lot feeling more alone then ever.

Fuck me.

***


I walked into the apartment already in a pissy mood, and when I saw a shit ton of boxes everywhere I was feeling a little less than thrilled.

"Ian?" I asked feeling a little panicked at the sight of all the cardboard.

"What's up?!" Norah's little voice answered me instead.

"What the fuck is all this?" I gestured to the mountain of shit.

"Um, Ian said you would be alright with it." She looked panicked now.

"Alright with what exactly?" I asked while storming past her to my brother's bedroom. "Ian!" I yelled again.

"Why must you yell Jace?" He looked so fucking calm and happy sitting on the floor and pulling apart his bedframe, the matress laying against the wall.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" I felt the panic from earlier threatening to bubble completely out of control. "I'm not fucking moving, I'm not starting at a new school again!" I paced back and forth gripping my hair in my hands while Norah stood in the doorway looking really nervous.

"We aren't moving, Norah is." Ian said happily.

"Wha-" Thats when I noticed the new larger matress leaning outside the doorway of the bedroom.

"If it's okay with you." She added quickly.

"Oh." I stated simply.

"Norah, can Jace and I talk alone?" Ian asked looking at her apologetically.

"Of course." She nodded pursing her lips.

Once she left us he put down the last piece of the old bed frame, and sat studying his hands with more interest than ever, as if his hands held the fucking secret to world peace. I just glared at him, waiting for him to start talking.

"Listen, I know it's going to be a little crowded but I needed to make this next step." He looked at me pleadingly. "Just say the word and I'll tell her it's not going to work."

"It's fine." I shrugged, but to be quite fucking honest I was a little pissed that he hadn't talked to me before moving all her shit in.

"Thanks bro." He smiled at me, and he just looked so genuinely happy that I had to leave the room before I became physically ill.

***


It was about eleven o'clock that evening when the phone rang shrilly, breaking the silence of the apartment. Ian and Norah were already in bed, and I was silently hoping they wouldn't get up to check who was calling.

I dodged around all the boxes, and shit in the living room, stubbing my toe and cursing along the way. I knew it was her before I even answered, and even though I knew I shouldn't do it I picked up the phone hastily.

"Hello." I said trying to keep my voice void of emotion.

"Hey." She replied back trying to mimick my tone.

"What do you want Ella?" I snapped, taking my frustration out on her.

"What did the note say Jace?" She sounded pretty fucking snappy herself.

"It said I want fucking out." I snarled. "I don't want to play this fucking game at all, it was fun for a day but I'm bored now."

"Fine." She said, her voice not revealing anything.

"Is that it?" I asked in the most asshole-ish voice I could conjure.

"No." She stated simply.

"Well, what the fuck else can I help you with?" I was being such a dick, but hopefully I could just make her fucking hate me. I couldn't let myself get involved with her. Her dad would get pissed, she would most likely get hurt, and I would just break and shatter completely.

Better to just stay alone.

"What did my dad say to you?" Fuck she definitely was quick, didn't miss a damn thing this girl.

"He just told me to stay the fuck away from you." I offered trying to sound bored.

"I don't believe you." She said accusingly.

"Well he did, and you can fucking ask him yourself."

"No, I mean I don't believe you." She spat. "You're going to just walk away from me now? I was- " She stopped herself and groaned.

"I have to go." I said dryly before hanging up on her.

After a moment of staring down at the phone, and feeling extremely detached from the rest of the world, I pulled the almost full bottle of liquour from under my bed. Good ol' Vodka, that should do the trick...

***





Ella

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." I screamed with all my might into the silencing plushness of my pillow. Keeping my face buried I let my tears stream into the soft fabric, soaking it completely. Why was I letting him have this effect on me?

I lay there thinking of the conversation until I couldn't stand it anymore. I flung the blankets off of me and stormed over to where my backpack was laying. I dug through it with shaky hands until I found what I was looking for.

***


The next morning my dad drove me to school as usual, accept this time I couldn't find it in me to feign happiness. I sat in a stony silence watching the scenery outside my window rush by.

At least it was Friday...

"What's wrong El?" My dad's voice cut through my last thought and woke up the part of me that still cared.

"Nothing dad." I smiled but it felt all wrong, in fact I felt all wrong.

Last night I had cut more than I ever had at one time, I just kept hitting my forearm with the sharp edge of the scissors waiting to feel it, the release finally came after six slices. I instinctively put my hand over my arm, even though I had on a long-sleeved shirt and a hoodie, I felt like what I did was so horrible surely everyone could see it. I looked down and let out a sigh of relief when I realized everything was fine, that I was in fact covered up.

"Are you listening to me?" My dad's worried voice snapped me out of it again.

"Huh? Oh yeah- sorry dad I didn't sleep much last night." I offered feeling horrible for not being completely honest with him.

"Well, we're here- Try to have a nice day." He offered his signature smile. I just lifted my lips half-heartedly forming more of a pained grimace than a smile, and exited the truck slowly.

***


I walked into chemistry, and automatically decided to go back to ignoring Jace completely. It would be much like it was in the begining of the week, the way it should have stayed. I didn't even bother to peek at him to see how he looked today, I just dragged myself unwillingly to our table and plopped down.

I was getting really frustrated, all my energy was being wasted. I wanted to prove to him I didn't care that he didn't want to talk to me by avoiding him, but he wasn't even the slightest bit interested by my presence in the first place. In fact I don't think he even realized I was sitting next to him, he just sat there and stared at his textbook contently.

I snuck a peek at him from the corner of my eye, and watched as he yawned openly, he looked so relaxed today. Then I smelled it, his yawn could have disinfected the air surrounding us, it reaked of alcohol. Now I was battling with a bunch of different emotions, and I couldn't keep myself from turning toward him now.

He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow in a 'what the fuck do you want?' type of gesture, of course that's exactly how Jace would say it too. I scowled at him and started scribbling stuff down in my notebook. I slid it toward him and waited for him to read it. He did, and then he just glared at me before scrawling something hastily and shoving the notebook back at me.

I had written Have you been drinking?

Under that in his messy script it read simply Fuck Off.

I studied the note, letting the image of his written words burn into my retinas before ripping out the paper and crumpling it. I don't know what came over me then, but I just picked up all of my stuff and started to leave during the middle of class. Mr. Plant tried to stop me, but I just whispered something about feeling ill before slipping out the door.

***


I flung myself into the girls bathroom hastily and almost collided with someone. I coughed, immeaditely choking on the smell of a sickly sweet perfume as I looked into the eyes of none other than Rachel Reynolds.

"Well, well, well." She towered over me and was practically in my face.

"Um, excuse me." I whispered trying to move away from her, but she grabbed my bad arm roughly holding me in place.

"What's the matter lover girl? You don't look so happy." She was speaking to me in a mock concerned voice. "Did Jace use you up and toss you aside like your last boyfriend?" She was sneering at me now.

"Fuck you." I spat out surprising myself with my harshness.

She slapped me then, a loud thwacking noise echoing through the empty bathroom. I grabbed my cheek and staggered back a few steps.

"Listen, a guy like Jace Parker is way out of your league. You probably can't even please him because you're too fucked up anyway." She hissed and then walked away from me, when she reached the door to exit she turned to look at me again. "Stay out of my way." She warned before leaving me alone.

I let myself cry then, I felt so weak and ridiculous as I locked myself in my usual stall and sat on the floor. I pulled my knees to my chin and let the tears fall, once I was done having a little sob fest for myself I just felt angry. I got up off the floor and started pacing back and forth in the stall, finally I snapped and pulled my scissors out.

I wasn't going to be able to cut my arm for a while, it already looked like I got in a fight with a blender, so I took my time choosing a place on my leg. I decided on the lower half of my leg and cut vertically up the side of my calf, watching as the blood bubbled up trailing quickly behind the dragging blade of my scissors.

Relief.

I sighed contently and waited while the feeling of heaviness lifted off my chest. Once I felt in control of my emotions again I cleaned and bandaged up my cut. Since Jace had discovered my arm two days ago I had started carrying more supplies, like gauze, medical tape, bandages, and even a small bottle of peroxide. I didn't want to ever have to explain a bloody tissue falling out of my sleeve to anyone else.

I felt slightly better after finishing with my leg, and just in time for second period.

Oh joy.

***


When I walked into the classroom Rachel was already seated in the desk behind mine. I stifled the urge to groan and walked with my eyes fixed on the floor until I got to my seat.

"What happened to your face?" Her annoyingly over sweet voice asked innocently.

"Some jealous bitch hit me." I whispered before sitting.

Before she could react the teacher waltzed in and started addressing the class. "Alright guys pull out your text books, and turn to page one hundred twenty four."