I was so fucking pissed that she had done it again. I mean, I knew she was going to but- God damn it- but nothing! I was being a fucking idiot, I couldn't let this girl get to me like this. She was driving me completely insane.
We were sitting in our last period english class when I finally acknowledged her existence. It was the first time since lunch that I looked at her, and she just seemed so fucking hopeful and excited that I was going to speak to her.
I started scribbling something on a piece of notebook paper, and ripped it out with more force than completely necessary. I crumpled it into a ball as if it were trash and let it fall to the floor between us. She looked at me in confusion, and I answered her silent question with a nod of my head. Yes pick up the paper.
She picked it up with about the stealth of a blind and deaf ninja, Mrs. Peterson pounced right on that shit snatching it from Ella's small and fragile hand.
"No note passing." She chided us, and reserved most of her frowning for me. Fuck her.
"Sorry." Ella's timid voice shook as she slouched in her seat. Why did she always have to looks so vulnerable?
Mrs. Peterson smiled warmly at Ella. "Since it's a first offense for both of you, I will let it slide." Then she frowned at me disapprovingly before continuing with her lesson.
I sat in my seat clenching the desktop, feeling pretty fucking frustrated, and wishing I had a drink. For the remainder of the period I could feel Ella's eyes fixed on the side of my face, but I just ignored her, clenching and unclenching my jaw. She was probably scared that I had written something about her fucking secret, well fuck her.
I didn't write anything about the cutting, the only thing I had written on that piece of paper was I want out. I was basically giving her permission to brutally mutilate herself while I turned the other cheek. I didn't want to worry about her constantly, I wanted to be freed of this now before it got worse. I wanted out before she killed herself with her horrible habbit, or I killed myself trying to save her, because my heart couldn't break anymore ways, I wouldn't survive.
When the bell finally sounded I got up and just fucking ran out of the room. I knew I was acting like a douche, but I had to get the fuck away from this girl. I didn't even look behind me to see the shocked look that I knew she was wearing on her face.
When I got outside I could see Ella's father's truck. He was parked in his normal spot but today he was standing beside the old hunk of metal instead of sitting in it. I tried to walk by him with out acknowledging his presence, hoping maybe, just maybe he would think I didn't see him.
Nope, try again.
"Hey Jace." I heard him calling to me, I stopped abruptly and turned to him.
"Hey Mr. Smith." I mumbled and did the queerest fucking wave in the history of waves. God I was such a fucking douche today. He signaled for me to come over to him, and when I got close enough to hear him he started speaking immeadiately.
"Now listen to me, I don't know what you want with my daughter but she is not someone to just mess around with." I wanted to say something to stop him but he just kept going. "She is just getting over an extremely difficult time in her life, and she doesn't need some asshole coming and screwing that up for her."
Ok, I wanted to say Mr. Smith if your daughter is getting over it so well, then why the fuck is she ripping her skin off in the safety of your own home? But instead I just nodded accepting that I would never be fucking good enough for his daughter.
"Dad?" Ella's small voice interrupted our very much one sided conversation.
"Hey sweetheart, let's get going." He smiled at her, but she ignored him just focusing her attention on me.
"Jace, can I call you when I get home?" She asked shyly staring down at her sneakers now.
"That's probably not such a good idea." I said quietly while just fucking glaring at her dad.
She looked up at me now with pain in her eyes and nodded once in reponse before climbing into the truck. Her dad got in right after her. They drove off quickly leaving me standing in the empty parking lot feeling more alone then ever.
I walked into the apartment already in a pissy mood, and when I saw a shit ton of boxes everywhere I was feeling a little less than thrilled.
"Ian?" I asked feeling a little panicked at the sight of all the cardboard.
"What's up?!" Norah's little voice answered me instead.
"What the fuck is all this?" I gestured to the mountain of shit.
"Um, Ian said you would be alright with it." She looked panicked now.
"Alright with what exactly?" I asked while storming past her to my brother's bedroom. "Ian!" I yelled again.
"Why must you yell Jace?" He looked so fucking calm and happy sitting on the floor and pulling apart his bedframe, the matress laying against the wall.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" I felt the panic from earlier threatening to bubble completely out of control. "I'm not fucking moving, I'm not starting at a new school again!" I paced back and forth gripping my hair in my hands while Norah stood in the doorway looking really nervous.
"We aren't moving, Norah is." Ian said happily.
"Wha-" Thats when I noticed the new larger matress leaning outside the doorway of the bedroom.
"If it's okay with you." She added quickly.
"Oh." I stated simply.
"Norah, can Jace and I talk alone?" Ian asked looking at her apologetically.
"Of course." She nodded pursing her lips.
Once she left us he put down the last piece of the old bed frame, and sat studying his hands with more interest than ever, as if his hands held the fucking secret to world peace. I just glared at him, waiting for him to start talking.
"Listen, I know it's going to be a little crowded but I needed to make this next step." He looked at me pleadingly. "Just say the word and I'll tell her it's not going to work."
"It's fine." I shrugged, but to be quite fucking honest I was a little pissed that he hadn't talked to me before moving all her shit in.
"Thanks bro." He smiled at me, and he just looked so genuinely happy that I had to leave the room before I became physically ill.
It was about eleven o'clock that evening when the phone rang shrilly, breaking the silence of the apartment. Ian and Norah were already in bed, and I was silently hoping they wouldn't get up to check who was calling.
I dodged around all the boxes, and shit in the living room, stubbing my toe and cursing along the way. I knew it was her before I even answered, and even though I knew I shouldn't do it I picked up the phone hastily.
"Hello." I said trying to keep my voice void of emotion.
"Hey." She replied back trying to mimick my tone.
"What do you want Ella?" I snapped, taking my frustration out on her.
"What did the note say Jace?" She sounded pretty fucking snappy herself.
"It said I want fucking out." I snarled. "I don't want to play this fucking game at all, it was fun for a day but I'm bored now."
"Fine." She said, her voice not revealing anything.
"Is that it?" I asked in the most asshole-ish voice I could conjure.
"No." She stated simply.
"Well, what the fuck else can I help you with?" I was being such a dick, but hopefully I could just make her fucking hate me. I couldn't let myself get involved with her. Her dad would get pissed, she would most likely get hurt, and I would just break and shatter completely.
Better to just stay alone.
"What did my dad say to you?" Fuck she definitely was quick, didn't miss a damn thing this girl.
"He just told me to stay the fuck away from you." I offered trying to sound bored.
"I don't believe you." She said accusingly.
"Well he did, and you can fucking ask him yourself."
"No, I mean I don't believe you." She spat. "You're going to just walk away from me now? I was- " She stopped herself and groaned.
"I have to go." I said dryly before hanging up on her.
After a moment of staring down at the phone, and feeling extremely detached from the rest of the world, I pulled the almost full bottle of liquour from under my bed. Good ol' Vodka, that should do the trick...
"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." I screamed with all my might into the silencing plushness of my pillow. Keeping my face buried I let my tears stream into the soft fabric, soaking it completely. Why was I letting him have this effect on me?
I lay there thinking of the conversation until I couldn't stand it anymore. I flung the blankets off of me and stormed over to where my backpack was laying. I dug through it with shaky hands until I found what I was looking for.
The next morning my dad drove me to school as usual, accept this time I couldn't find it in me to feign happiness. I sat in a stony silence watching the scenery outside my window rush by.
At least it was Friday...
"What's wrong El?" My dad's voice cut through my last thought and woke up the part of me that still cared.
"Nothing dad." I smiled but it felt all wrong, in fact I felt all wrong.
Last night I had cut more than I ever had at one time, I just kept hitting my forearm with the sharp edge of the scissors waiting to feel it, the release finally came after six slices. I instinctively put my hand over my arm, even though I had on a long-sleeved shirt and a hoodie, I felt like what I did was so horrible surely everyone could see it. I looked down and let out a sigh of relief when I realized everything was fine, that I was in fact covered up.
"Are you listening to me?" My dad's worried voice snapped me out of it again.
"Huh? Oh yeah- sorry dad I didn't sleep much last night." I offered feeling horrible for not being completely honest with him.
"Well, we're here- Try to have a nice day." He offered his signature smile. I just lifted my lips half-heartedly forming more of a pained grimace than a smile, and exited the truck slowly.
I walked into chemistry, and automatically decided to go back to ignoring Jace completely. It would be much like it was in the begining of the week, the way it should have stayed. I didn't even bother to peek at him to see how he looked today, I just dragged myself unwillingly to our table and plopped down.
I was getting really frustrated, all my energy was being wasted. I wanted to prove to him I didn't care that he didn't want to talk to me by avoiding him, but he wasn't even the slightest bit interested by my presence in the first place. In fact I don't think he even realized I was sitting next to him, he just sat there and stared at his textbook contently.
I snuck a peek at him from the corner of my eye, and watched as he yawned openly, he looked so relaxed today. Then I smelled it, his yawn could have disinfected the air surrounding us, it reaked of alcohol. Now I was battling with a bunch of different emotions, and I couldn't keep myself from turning toward him now.
He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow in a 'what the fuck do you want?' type of gesture, of course that's exactly how Jace would say it too. I scowled at him and started scribbling stuff down in my notebook. I slid it toward him and waited for him to read it. He did, and then he just glared at me before scrawling something hastily and shoving the notebook back at me.
I had written Have you been drinking?
Under that in his messy script it read simply Fuck Off.
I studied the note, letting the image of his written words burn into my retinas before ripping out the paper and crumpling it. I don't know what came over me then, but I just picked up all of my stuff and started to leave during the middle of class. Mr. Plant tried to stop me, but I just whispered something about feeling ill before slipping out the door.
I flung myself into the girls bathroom hastily and almost collided with someone. I coughed, immeaditely choking on the smell of a sickly sweet perfume as I looked into the eyes of none other than Rachel Reynolds.
"Well, well, well." She towered over me and was practically in my face.
"Um, excuse me." I whispered trying to move away from her, but she grabbed my bad arm roughly holding me in place.
"What's the matter lover girl? You don't look so happy." She was speaking to me in a mock concerned voice. "Did Jace use you up and toss you aside like your last boyfriend?" She was sneering at me now.
"Fuck you." I spat out surprising myself with my harshness.
She slapped me then, a loud thwacking noise echoing through the empty bathroom. I grabbed my cheek and staggered back a few steps.
"Listen, a guy like Jace Parker is way out of your league. You probably can't even please him because you're too fucked up anyway." She hissed and then walked away from me, when she reached the door to exit she turned to look at me again. "Stay out of my way." She warned before leaving me alone.
I let myself cry then, I felt so weak and ridiculous as I locked myself in my usual stall and sat on the floor. I pulled my knees to my chin and let the tears fall, once I was done having a little sob fest for myself I just felt angry. I got up off the floor and started pacing back and forth in the stall, finally I snapped and pulled my scissors out.
I wasn't going to be able to cut my arm for a while, it already looked like I got in a fight with a blender, so I took my time choosing a place on my leg. I decided on the lower half of my leg and cut vertically up the side of my calf, watching as the blood bubbled up trailing quickly behind the dragging blade of my scissors.
I sighed contently and waited while the feeling of heaviness lifted off my chest. Once I felt in control of my emotions again I cleaned and bandaged up my cut. Since Jace had discovered my arm two days ago I had started carrying more supplies, like gauze, medical tape, bandages, and even a small bottle of peroxide. I didn't want to ever have to explain a bloody tissue falling out of my sleeve to anyone else.
I felt slightly better after finishing with my leg, and just in time for second period.
When I walked into the classroom Rachel was already seated in the desk behind mine. I stifled the urge to groan and walked with my eyes fixed on the floor until I got to my seat.
"What happened to your face?" Her annoyingly over sweet voice asked innocently.
"Some jealous bitch hit me." I whispered before sitting.
Before she could react the teacher waltzed in and started addressing the class. "Alright guys pull out your text books, and turn to page one hundred twenty four."