I was laying across my bed and thinking about Ella.
During last period she had kept throwing me worried glances. How the fuck could she be worried about me? I wondered if she had heard Ryan's crude remarks about her. I didn't know whether I should be thankful, or bummed that she had showed up when she had, I was just about to beat the living shit out of him. That kid was such a fucking prick, and he needed a good ass kicking.
Anyway, Ryan Weber was the least of my problems. What was I going to do about Ella? It was just so fucking like me to get involved in something like this.
"Just fucking great." I groaned rubbing my hands over my face in frustration.
"Jace!" Ian called for me from somewhere in the apartment.
I groaned again and picked myself up off the bed, what the fuck did he want? I opened my bedroom door a crack and poked my head out. "What's up?" I yelled out.
"Phone's for you." He yelled over the sound of the TV. How had I not heard the phone ringing? I must have been pretty fucking out of it.
I practically sprinted down the hallway to the living room. I wondered if it was Ella, I had given her my number and told her to call me if she felt the urge to fucking rip her skin off. Needless to say, because I was a messed up fucker, I kind of hoped it was her, not that I wanted her to want to rip her skin off or anything- In fact I didn't know why I was so fucking hopeful it was her.
When I reached Ian he had this stupid sly grin on his face. "It's a girl." He said excitedly, I pretty much expected him to start giggling like a little fucking school girl at this point.
I snatched the phone out of his hand and shot him a look that said fuck off before walking back to my room. I waited until I was safely behind my closed door before answering.
"Hey." Her voice sounded so small and far away.
"What's up?" I asked like the tool that I am. This wasn't going to be a shoot the shit type of conversation.
I could hear her breathing, it was coming out in fast choking sounds.
"Ella?" I was panicking now.
"I don't know what to do Jace." She was sobbing, and the sound was just fucking heartbreaking. I was in way over my head.
"Just try to talk to me." I said trying to remain calm. I didn't want her to know how much of an effect she was having on me, or was it more that I didn't want to admit how much of an effect she was having on me? Fucking idiot I chided myself.
"I- I-" She stuttered before making this frustrated growling sound.
"Just fucking relax, take a deep breath."
"I have to go to court, I just got the letter with a date today." She said out of fucking no where. Well, well, well- maybe this girl had more in common with me than I thought.
"Uh, okay." I said lamely while looking around my room. I felt so fucking stupid right now. She was just doing the weird breathing thing again.
"Listen, Ella you really gotta try to fucking breathe." I looked down at my free hand now and studied it. "It's not like you're the first person to go to court." I grunted thinking back to just a few months ago when I had stood in front of a judge.
"Or to be raped." She said bitterly, just startling the shit out of me. That's what she would be going to court for, duh! Sometimes I was such a dumb fucker.
I don't know why but I had never expected her to actually say anything about the whole rape thing out loud. I mean, even though it seemed like pretty much the whole fucking school knew I figured she wasn't going to confirm all the rumors, and really it just made my heart sink.
Since when had I turned so damn soft?
Then she just fucking hung up, after dropping a bomb like that, she fucking hung up on me.
I walked out of my room feeling more than a little shitty, and when I hung up the phone Ian was right there just fucking staring at me.
"What?" I snapped at him angrily, my mood more than a little sour.
"Who's the girl?" He asked a little too eagerly.
"Wrong number." I shrugged.
"Jace, she asked for you specifically." He was glaring at me through narrowed eyes. I glared right back daring him to start with me.
Most people would be intimidated by Ian. He was tall and stong as fuck. We had the same dark blue eyes and dissheveled hair, but he was a lot taller and bulkier than I was. Still, I knew he was like a fucking teddy bear, rather than the grizzly bear he looked like.
"Fine, but I'll be watching you." He said in a warning tone.
What-fucking-ever. "Drama queen." I mumbled under my breath before we were interrupted by a knock at the door.
I watched as Ian's scowl turned into a smile, and I knew with out asking that it was Norah at our front door. I watched as he let her in, and found myself feeling jealous again. What the hell was happening to me?
"Hey babe." Norah said while walking into the apartment, and returning Ian's goofy ass smile. I watched as he pulled her into a giant hug and kissed her.
Well, usually I would say that two people laying it on this thick were fucking corny as hell, but these two were the real deal, and for some reason I found myself hating them for it.
"Well, I'll be in my room." I said to no one in particular, considering the only other people in the room were totally consumed by each other. "You know, lighting things on fire." I joked, knowing full well they weren't listening. "Maybe snorting some lines." I added while backing away from them
"Alright Jace." Ian said absently.
Later that night while laying in bed, I found myself thinking about the last night I had seen my parents. Usually I didn't allow myself to think about that, and the only time I did was through the unwelcome nightmares I had, but here I was just fucking openly remembering it...
I had snuck out to hang with a couple of the guys from my school. Even before I had been a troubled fucker. My dad was an alcoholic and abusive, and my mom was barely ever home because of her job. Needless to say it was always me and my asshole father in the house, and he liked to physically show me just how much I pissed him off all the time.
Anyway, I was sneaking back in to my bedroom window after a night of drinking (like father like son I guess). My mother was home by now, and I could hear them just fucking screaming at each other. I was pretty intoxicated and they were irritating the shit out of me.
"You think you can just leave me?" My dad's drunken voice slurred.
"You don't contribute anything to this family!" My mother's voice was shaky and coming out in sobs.
That was the last thing I ever heard my mother say, and then the screaming started. I tried to get out of my bedroom and into the living room, but I was buzzed and clumsy as fuck, I wasn't fast enough. My dad had already decided to use a steak knife on my mother.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" I screamed at him as I watched in horror. There was so much blood.
Too much blood.
"Go back to bed boy." He warned me with a look of malice. He was fucking insane.
Then I completely lost it. I just fucking lunged at him.
I could feel the sharp edge of his knife, stabbing and slicing at various parts of my body as he tried to fight back, but I was stronger than him.
After all those years of getting beat on, I finally delivered the beating.
I killed him.
I fell back into present day painfully. I gripped at the blankets on my bed and gritted my teeth, I could feel as the hot tears streamed from the corners of my eyes. Shit, I was going to pay for that little stroll down memory lane. I figured it was time for another chemically induced calm, so I got up and headed straight for the bathroom.
I stared at my alarm clock in frustration. It was already way past time to get up, and I had not slept nearly enough the night before. I just layed in bed replaying what I had said to Jace on the phone. What was it about him that gave me diarrhea of the mouth? In fact why had I even called him?
"El, you gotta get up!" My dad shouted from the hallway causing me to pull the pillow over my face.
"I'm not going." I mumbled into my pillow case.
I heard him slowly turning the knob to my bedroom door, and realized I was in a short-sleeved shirt. Shit! How had I been so careless? I was usually always mindful of stuff like this.
"Alright, I'm getting up!" I said with far more enthusiasm than necessary.
I watched as the knob ceased turning. "You have ten minutes, or you're gonna be late." He said, pausing a moment before I could heard his footsteps retreating.
I rushed around throwing on a pair of jeans and a plain white long-sleeved shirt. I didn't even pause to look in the mirror as I grabbed a hoodie from the closet, and threw on a pair of black chucks.
I brushed my teeth rapidly and thoroughly before running out of my room. "Done!" I yelled while stomping down the stairs.
When we finally arrived at the school we did our whole awkward goodbye thing, where he tried to give me words of support to help me make it through the day, and I tried to fake a smile to assure him I was fine.
Today however was a little different because as I was forming my 'smile', Jace ran up to the truck wearing a smile of his own. OH SHIT.
"Hello Mr. Smith." He said with a nod before turning and adressing me. "Ella."
I just narrowed my eyes at him in response.
My dad stared at me first and then at Jace. "Hello." He grumbled and then said something about running late before taking off.
Great, now I was going to have to come up with an explanation as to why Jace Parker came to say hi to him, especially because I had specifically told my dad I would stay away from him. I just kept staring at Jace waiting for an explanation, with a look on my face that I'm sure read something along the lines of What the fuck?
He just smirked at me and crossed his arms. "I told you that you were stuck with me now."
"Yeah, but my dad doesn't exactly like the idea of me hanging with the town deviant." I hissed before thinking. I watched as his face contorted quickly from a smirk, to a look of hurt, and then back to the smirk again. Jace Parker may act like a badass, but he had feelings too.
"Shit, I'm sorry." I mumbled biting my lip and looking around the parking lot. "It's just, I guess you don't have the best record, and my dad is just really protective of me now." I sighed before continuing. "He probably doesn't think you're a safe person for me to hang around. " I looked up at him now feeling horrible.
"And you?" He asked staring into my eyes.
"Ha, ha ." I snarked. "I get it I'm not stable-"
"No." He interrupted me. "I mean, do you think I'm safe to be- I mean hang with?"
I looked at him, studying his face for a moment before answering. "Yes." I said, and right away I knew it was true, because for some reason that I couldn't understand I trusted him. Maybe it was because he was keeping my secret, well so far at least.
At this he just smiled at me, and it was probably the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
During all of first period I could feel Jace's presence as if we were actually touching, I had to chew on my pen, and bounce my leg up and down to distract myself from the fluttering feeling of the bat-sized butterflies that had taken up residence in my stomach.
"Would you fucking stop." He snapped at me quietly.
"What?" I asked worried that I had been saying my thoughts out loud.
"You're driving me insane with that bouncing." He gestured to my leg.
"Oh, sorry." I slowed my leg and sank into my seat.
"Hey." He nudged me looking concerned now. "What's bugging you?"
But before I could answer, Mr. Plant, our chemistry teacher called on me to answer some question that I hadn't even heard.
"Uh- um-" I stuttered feeling myself turning crimson with embarassment. I hated having attention brought to me, especially when I was making a fool of myself.
"Please pay attention Ms. Smith." He scolded frowning in Jace's direction.
I didn't talk to Jace for the rest of the period, even though I could feel him staring at me.
Lunch was going good until Jace asked me to pull up the sleeve of my shirt, and show him my arm.
"Excuse me?" I shrieked staring at him in disbelief.
"I told you I was going to make sure you weren't doing that shit anymore." He stared at me pointedly.
"Its really none of your business whats under my clothes." I said, glaring at him.
"I'm not asking for you to fucking flash your tits at me, just show me your god damn arm." He said roughly before looking horrified.
"I'm sorry, I didn't think before I said that." He apologized immeadiately, but the sad thing was it hadn't even upset me. If it had been any other guy I'm sure it would have... What was it about him?
"I can't show you in the middle of the cafeteria." I frowned, pulling on my sleeves self-consciously
"Just tell me." He stared at me long and hard. "Did you do it again?"
I looked at him sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, and chewing on it. He stared at my mouth for a moment before looking back into my eyes.
"Yes." I whispered breathlessly, knowing I had let him down.
He just looked at me and then looked away, jaw clenched and hands gripping the lunch table.
Damn it. Things were so much easier when I didn't have to worry about hurting some one else. Now I just felt guilty, and guilt made me want to cut, and cutting would hurt him- it was a vicious cycle. So I just swallowed the guilt right there, trying to ignore it.
We sat in silence for the rest of lunch.