The nightmare was always the same.
I was at my boyfriend Brad's house and we were supposed to enjoy a nice dinner together. He was making a lasagna for us, and the smells of the sauce and cheese filled the air making my mouth water. We were sitting on the couch in his living room when he leaned towards me slowly and started kissing me. I remembered thinking how much I loved him, and I remembered thinking that he had loved me too, but I was wrong.
I jolted out of bed with a start sweating and shaking. I was so worked up and I couldn't shake the last images of the nightmare from my mind. I darted my eyes around my bedroom anxiously, and even after I convinced myself that nothing was out of sorts I still couldn't slow my heart rate. I felt like I was going to lose it, and I needed a release.
I paced around my bedroom anxiously before my frantic search ended at the sight of the scissors on my vanity. I went over and picked them up with shaky hands remembering last summer when I had tried to cut my own bangs with them.
Last summer my life had been normal. I thought this and pictured his face as I brought the scissors to my wrist and dug the sharp edge into my skin.
I watched as the blood welled up and felt the calming effects the slice had solicited. I returned to my bed and sat a moment, waiting for my breathing to even out before giving in to my exhaustion.
The next morning I awoke grudgingly. Today was going to be particularly horrible seeing as not only was I starting at a new school, but my anxiety was acting up. I couldn't believe I had another panic attack, that was the third one this week.
I sighed throwing the blankets off of me and made my way over to my closet. I paused looking down at my pajamas, which only caused me to sigh again. I must have slept on my arm, my shirt had dried blood on it.
I studied the damage I had inflicted the night before feeling disgusted. There were three cuts total marring the pale skin of my forearm, one for each episode this week. I still don't know what made me pick up the scissors that first night, I think I was just sick of feeling like I couldn't release the pressure inside of me. Something had to give, but now it seemed each time I had an attack I wanted to cut myself again.
"Long sleeves it is." I growled frustrated with myself.
I attempted a look in the mirror after getting dressed further souring my mood. I may have been some what attractive at one point. Now dark circles had permanently taken up residence on my pale face giving my hazel eyes a haunted look, and my long brown hair had lost all of its style just hanging to my waist limply. I looked lifeless, which was pretty much how I felt.
"Ella!" My dad's voice echoed up the stairs breaking my staring match with my reflection. "You're gonna be late, lets go kiddo!"
My dad dropped me off at the main entrance of the school trying to smile reassuringly at me, I forced a smile back before slamming his truck door and watched as he drove away. I sighed pulling my arms around my torso protectively before walking slowly with my head down.
Here goes nothing I thought just before colliding with something, or rather someone solid. I looked up and was met with the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen.
"Sorry." A rather disheveled and extremely handsome boy grumbled at me.
I shoved my shaking hands into my pockets and nodded at him not able to find my voice, but it didn't matter because he was already pushing past me to get inside. I followed a few feet behind him and watched as the crowd seemed to part to let him pass. It was as if he were a leper, nobody would even make eye-contact with him yet alone get near him. I gaped after him for a minute before turning my attention to the main office.
I walked into the little office and immediately felt as if I were suffocating. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look up at me, I guess moving to a small town meant everyone knew that you were new. Great.
"Hi dear!" A woman who looked like she was trying a little too hard to fit in with the students smiled widely at me from her desk. Her hair looked like it had a whole can of aqua-net in it, and she had a shirt on that was far too tight for her. I cringed away involuntarily at her nasally voice.
"Um, hi." I started and then paused to clear my throat embarrassingly because my voice was hoarse from lack of use.
"You're a newbie huh?" She asked sounding far more excited than necessary, I just nodded and stared down at my sneakers.
She smiled at me some more. "Okay sweetie, let me get your schedule for you."
"Thank you." I answered softly with a nod.
"I just need your name." She looked up from her computer.
"Ella Smith." I replied and watched as her hands paused over the keyboard before she resumed typing swiftly, but it was there. The look of knowing was there, she must have saw my name in the newspapers after what happened with him. No matter how far I moved away from it, I couldn't escape my past.
"Well here you are, let me just print this up okay Ella?" She asked looking up at me with sympathy. She knew what had happened to me. I squeezed my hands into tight balls to try to keep tears from filling my eyes.
"Here you go." She tried to force a smile at me as I snatched the paper from her hand roughly, and ran out of the office not caring how crazy or rude I was acting.
I ran down the hall feeling every bit the nut I was until I found a bathroom. I flung the door open and found that it was thankfully empty. Locking myself in the last stall, I tried to breathe nice deep calming breaths but it was no use. No matter where I went I was reminded of him. He ruined my life that night, he ruined me.
"Just breathe." I demanded myself, but I had already made my decision. I started digging in my bag for my secret weapon, my drug, and there they were in all their glory. I pulled the scissors out and made another slice right below the one from last night. I let all the air out of my lungs in a whooshing sound and felt myself becoming calmer by the second.
Just as I was exiting my stall the bathroom door flew open, and two girls entered chattering away. I pulled down the sleeve of my hoodie quickly and tried to remain invisible.
"I heard that Jace kid got into trouble with the cops, and that he might even be insane!" One of the girls said to the other while flinging her hair over her shoulder.
"Yeah, and its such a shame because he is absolutely gorgeous!" The other girl whined checking herself out in the mirror.
"What a waste." The first girl nodded in agreement.
I pulled my arms around my waist while walking by them as if I could fold into myself and completely disappear.
"Hey!" The girl closest to me exclaimed drawing attention to me.
"Uh, hi." I tried to keep walking but the other girl stopped me.
"You're new here, I've never seen you around before." She said pointing out the obvious.
I just nodded and squeezed my arms impossibly tighter around myself.
"What class do you have first?" One of them asked.
I shrugged and stared at the door longingly. I just wanted to get away from them.
"Okay then." The girl blocking the door snickered and stepped out of my way. I could hear them laughing at me as I walked out.
It was absolutely excruciating to be at school. It was only my second week in this hell hole and I already despised every motherfucker here. I was even sort of glad that all the rumors from my last school had traveled here with me because nobody messed with me. The guys all seemed to sniff me out the first day, only to decide that there was something wrong with me and to back the fuck off.
The girls were another story, I thought back to how Rachel Reynolds had thrown herself at me my first day only to be rejected immediately. Most the girls had stopped trying to catch my attention by now, deciding that I was a complete and utter asshole. Good I thought smirking to myself.
I was staring down at my hands resting on my desk and thinking that I could really use a drink, preferably something alcoholic, when the classroom door opened. I looked up and watched as the girl that I had collided with this morning walked in. She looked really anxious, her eyes darting around the room as she walked up to the teacher's desk and handed him a slip of paper.
"Ella Smith." Mr. Plant read her name out loud from the slip. I watched as she cringed and looked down at her sneakers.
"You can sit over there." Mr. Plant pointed to the empty seat next to mine. "Next to Jace."
She looked up from her sneakers and when her eyes met with mine she blushed lightly. I looked down again feeling quite frankly bored with the whole situation, and still desperately in need of a drink.
Through the whole class she sat rod straight and bounced her leg up and down on the rung of her chair. I wanted to tell her to cut that shit out because she was making me extremely anxious, but I just kept my mouth shut and tried to look interested in Mr. Plant's lesson. I hated chemistry.
Halfway through the day I was already hearing rumors about the new girl. Supposedly she had moved here to live with her father because of some shit that happened with an ex-boyfriend. I heard Rachel Reynolds saying something about her not being normal, as if someone so whorish should be the judge of normalcy.
I was walking to lunch when I saw her coming out of the girls bathroom looking as if she were stoned out of her mind, lucky bitch. She was fumbling with her backpack and didn't notice me walking less than a foot beside her. She was just about to collide with me for the second time today when I put my hands out to stop her. She jumped a mile and brought her hand up to her chest. She looked up at me apologetically with her big hazel eyes and started to offer me a small smile, but I squashed that shit right there.
"Watch where you're going!" I spat at her.
Her eyes grew wide and she pulled her arms around her torso looking miserable, but I just pushed past her like I did earlier. I was not about to ruin all my hard work to keep everyone away from me by being nice to some random girl. I don't know why but when she had looked up at me I felt something inside of me awaken, and I didn't like it one bit. I felt like a normal teenage boy at that moment, and that was just not acceptable because I was not normal.
The day was dragging, but it was finally last period. I walked into my english class and had to stifle the urge to groan. The new girl was in this class too, and she was seated in the desk next to mine, figures. I walked to my desk and threw my english text down with more force than necessary while stealing a glance at her from the corner of my eye, she didn't even flinch. I sat down with an audible sigh and rubbed my hand over my face roughly. She turned to me slightly and darted her eyes around the room nervously.
"I'm sorry I walked into you." She whispered causing me to sigh again.
"Whatever." I said keeping my voice void of any emotion.
She didn't talk to me again the rest of the period, and I found myself looking over in her direction more times than I would like to admit. Her dark hair was acting as a curtain blocking her face from view. She was sitting perfectly straight and bouncing her leg up and down again. What was with this chick?
"Jace?" Mrs. Peterson's voice cut through my thoughts and she sounded annoyed.
"What?" I hissed feeling pretty fucking annoyed myself.
"I called you three times, please pay attention." She looked at me pointedly.
I shrugged at her glaring at every fucker that was staring at me now, and then I looked over at Ella. She was still looking down, her hair shielding her face, and I noticed that her leg wasn't bouncing anymore. I studied her for a second more and noticed her hands in her lap, they were bunched into small fists that were turning her knuckles white. I found myself wanting to comfort her, and again I squashed that shit and turned my attention back to my english text.