What the hell was wrong with me? I found myself sitting in the girls bathroom, once again, with my knees curled up to my chest. Why did I say that to him? I let my head fall back against the wall of the stall I was occupying.
Stupid, stupid girl.
I looked down at my exposed arm sighing, I couldn't keep putting these marks on myself I was going to have to wear longsleeves forever.
Or find a new place to feed my disgusting habbit-
I pulled my scissors out of my backpack and pulled up the hem of my shirt. My stomach was pale and unmarred, an empty canvas if you will. I closed my eyes and let the sharp edge of the scissors glide across the skin there.
I kept my head resting against the most likely STD infested wall of the bathroom, and closed my eyes welcoming the pain. I should have just done this last night when I had felt the panic setting in, it would have saved my father, and me a lot of trouble. He was always worried about me, not that I could blame him.
Last night I had let myself get too emotional, I had given in to the horrible memory. I had to learn to control myself, whenever I started remembering that night I tended to get carried away- traveling back in time. It had all seemed too real and present last night, but it wasn't.
My screams were though.
My dad had raced in to my room, with a look of complete and utter concern. He had tried to comfort me, but I had cringed away from his touch completely curling in to myself.
"Have you been taking your anxiety meds El?" He had asked me gently, he had looked so grief stricken by my distraught and frantic appearance.
I was so stupid. Of course he would ask me about that, the truth was I didn't like taking the meds because I hated how they made me feel -but apparently mutilating my flesh felt just fine. I was quite the ironic one eh?
Anyways, he had ended up making me take my medication, which had resulted in my comatose state this morning. Even though I had taken the little white pill last night, the zombie-like state had carried over into my first period class.
I thought back to sitting at the table in chemistry, but it all felt kind of fuzzy. In fact my brain still felt kind of sluggish even thought the meds were pretty much out of my system. I did remember that Jace kid trying to talk to me, he probably thought I was literally insane. Oh well, it was probably better for him to want to keep his distance from me.
I decided it was time for me to go to class, and picked myself up off the disgusting floor brushing the back of my jeans off.
When I got to my next class I rushed in excusing myself. The teacher obviously was satisfied enough with my excuse of getting lost, considering I was new. I ducked my head in apology and shuffled to the empty desk in the front of the room.
"Hey." A female voice from behind me whispered over my shoulder.
I turned my head slightly acknowledging her, it was one of the girls from the bathroom yesterday.
"Whats with you and Jace Parker?" She asked sounding a little annoyed.
Now she had my attention. "What?" I asked wondering what the hell she was talking about.
"I saw him talking to you." She offered with a shrug.
"So-" I said feeling a little annoyed with this girl.
"So, he doesn't talk to anyone." She paused and stared at me frustrated. "Ever."
I turned and faced the front of the room again.
I could feel a weird stirring in the pit of my stomach, I worked my fingers over the spot where I had cut just moments earlier, letting the jolt of pain rip the feeling of butterflies out, replacing it with the comforting numb I was used to. Thankfully I had a black shirt on today, so you couldn't see any blood staining the fabric of my shirt where it was sticking to me.
The day had been pretty uneventful after second period. I ate alone in the cafeteria feeling the curious stares of my classmates. I didn't even attempt to sit with anyone, which clearly was out of the norm to them. Who would want to sit alone right? But I welcomed the silence as I took tiny bites off my sandwhich.
Who was I kidding- I wasn't going to eat it.
I got up and threw away my trash spotting Jace sitting alone near a window, he was writing something in a beat up looking notebook. He had earphones in and one of his legs was bouncing up and down to the beat of a song only he could hear. I watched him as he wrote for a moment longer and then finally tore my gaze away, feeling as though I was imposing on his privacy.
"Hellllll-oh!" The girl from second period, I had taken to calling her bathroom whore number one, was standing there when I turned around. "Earth to freakish new girl." She smirked at me putting her hand on my shoulder and shaking me.
I hated when people touched me with out my permission, especially in a dominating manor like this. I didn't know what was happening, but it was like I was blacking out, all I could see was red, and just when I thought I was going to haul back and punch her a large hand clamped down on her's removing it from my shoulder.
I looked up and saw Jace standing there gripping the girl's hand in his. I inhaled sharply noticing his eye for the first time today, it looked horrible, all black and blue. I forgot that he had left school with a black-eye yesterday, and I had been too out of it this morning to notice. Now I couldn't help but wonder how he had received it.
"Don't." He warned the girl dropping her hand roughly.
"Oh, hi Jace!" She whined trying to sound sexy, and failing miserably.
"Get the fuck out of here Rachel." He growled at her causing her to cringe.
He really had quite the mouth on him, why did I find it strangely hot?
Stop it. I chided myself before I could continue with that thought.
I went to open my mouth to say something to him, but he just shrugged at me and walked away, his backpack slung over his shoulder.
After a grueling afternoon it was finally last period, I entered english class warily. I was nervous, and unadmittedly excited to sit next to Jace for the next forty-five minutes. I let my eyes scan the room quickly and felt my shoulders drop when I realized he wasn't there. I dragged my feet as I made my way to the desk I had sat in yesterday.
I had taken out my english text and started doodling on a piece of loose paper inside. I kept staring at the vacant desk next to me from the corner of my eye. The bell had just rang, signaling that class was to begin when I saw him finally walk through the door, I felt my chest lighten as I watched him glare at the teacher daring her to say something to him for being late.
He took his seat in the desk next to mine and I felt as every molecule in my body buzzed with energy. I wanted to look at him but I knew I shouldn't.
I could feel her looking at me as I sat in my chair trying to ignore the urge to turn toward her. She probably wanted to know why I had come to her rescue in the cafeteria, or why I had talked to her this morning, but the truth was even I didn't know the answer to those fucking questions.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I continued glaring at the blackboard in frustration when I heard her sigh beside me. I turned to look at her against my own will, fuck.
She looked at me and tried to smile, it looked like it hurt or some shit.
And then she just surprised the fuck out of me. "What happened to your eye?" She asked staring at my face sadly.
"Mind your business." I snapped feeling like a complete tool.
"Ok." She bit her lip and looked down at her text book before whispering she was sorry or some shit, as if she were the one that had punched me.
I sat anxiously stealing peeks at her out of the corner of my eye, she had her leg bouncing up and down again. I cocked my head to the side, seriously what was with this girl?
The final bell sounded too quickly, releasing us from the hell hole school. This was the first time the bell had come unwelcome, and I didn't like the reason why I wanted to stay. I rubbed my hands over my face with more force than necessary forgetting all about the bruised side of it.
"Shit." I mumbled before stretching.
All of a sudden I realized I wasn't alone, I turned to look at who was still gracing me with their presence.
"Um- I- I- uh wanted to thank you for stepping in today in the cafeteria." She looked so small and fragile and I found myself thinking of how nice it would be to just fucking wrap my arms around her. I was fucked, why was this girl doing this to me?
"Well fuck, I guess you're welcome." I shrugged hoping my foul mouth would cause her to turn away from me, but she just offered me a small smile and nodded.
"See you around?" She said, but it sounded more like a question.
I automatically realized this question meant more than it seemed, it was her way of sneakily asking if we were ok. As if I could be this girl's friend, she would be my fucking undoing. So I did what I had to and just threw my stuff in my backpack before pushing past her.
I left her standing in the class room looking wounded.
Too fucking bad, it was for her own good anyway.
"Quit sulking and help me with dinner." Ian snapped at me.
I rolled my eyes at him from my stool at the counter.
Everything about my brother was pissing me off tonight, the fact that he could be happy, and that he always tried to cheer me up. Also the fact that his girlfriend Norah was coming over tonight didn't help my mood either. Don't get me wrong Norah was fucking awesome, and she was perfect for Ian, but that was just the point.
I stayed in my seat watching Ian scramble around the kitchen, he was trying to make dinner for his girl. I couldn't stand it any longer, I slammed my hands down on the counter making a loud thwacking noise as I propelled myself up from the island that seperated the kitchen and living room.
"What the hell man!" Ian yelled as I stomped over to the couch and plopped my ass down.
"What?" I asked feigning innocence as I reached for the remote.
"What was that for?" He asked holding a pot in one hand, I couldn't help but laugh at him and this new domestic side.
"What ever do you mean?" And the I paused allowing him to get good and pissy before adding "Betty fucking Crocker."
He scowled at me and returned to preparing his meal.
I watched TV for a half an hour before there was a knock at the door, and that was my cue to move my sorry ass to my lonely bedroom.
I didn't care that I was alone. I never felt this resentment toward Ian and Norah before, what the hell was wrong with me? I paced the floor of my bedroom raking my hands through my hair roughly. I had to get a grip on this shit and quick, this was getting out of control. I didn't even know this chick, and yet she had consumed my every thought since I got home this afternoon. Even Ian picked up on my mopiness, calling me out on my sulky ass mood, not that I was ever a happy fucker but this was ridiculous, and borderline emo. Gay.
"Fuck." I growled throwing myself down on my bed in frustruation.
That night I dreamt of my mother and father. I could practically hear my mother's screams of agony, and feel my father's blood on my hands.
I woke up in a cold sweat panting as the last of the images cleared.
I got my ass out of bed, it was three in the morning. I walked out of my bedroom as quietly as possible and darted into the bathroom. I was shaking frantically as I ripped the mirrored cabinet over the sink open. With trembling hands I reached for the pill bottle with my name on it, I swallowed two with out water and shuffled back to my bed.
I lay in the dark waiting for the medication to work its magic, and then I was out.